Return of the Janus

I haven't vanished yet.

2010-08-30T00:00:00.001-05:00

I realize it's been a day or two and didn't want people to think I vanished again.

Tonight I went through the purple folder, which has got all my scattered notes and stuff that I take from other notebooks, scratchbooks, print outs, written on envelopes, and cocktail napkins that have my unfinished projects.

Based on me, I have a lot of unfinished projects. Some of them will be burned and hopefully never see the light of day. Others, might grace the public (if grace is the word for it.)

Considering I have about 400 pages of random notes my little hour a night of working on these things might take a while to organize. Nothing I could find that was short and useful here, and I am getting tired. So I think I will turn in.

Purple folder back to file. Time for bed.

Janus in the bronze age

2010-08-24T22:11:00.003-05:00

I remember when I started texting about 10 years after everyone else. My father in law to be would send me texts and if I wanted to communicate back I had to learn how. I still text very slowly and prefer a voicemail usually. My wife has a blackberry and can type tweets, texts, and updates like a rocket. I am hitting the 4 key repeatedly trying to get the letter I want, people get the text in about 2 days if I am lucky.

The sad point of this is I realize I am becoming more obsolete. Example is that now that blogs are becoming extinct I am back and blogging again. Facebook frightens me still, it's got weird stuff on it like real pictures. Twitter is even more frightening, I don't have any exciting updates or thoughts that I want to take the time to type out. "Janus is having coffee and wondering why he is on the computer" is not that exciting.

It's easier to be anonymous here, probably no one out there but me reads this anymore but still comfortably anonymous.

So I am taking a stand and staying here, at least until Blogger kicks me out.
Take that progress! I shake my fist at thee!

Feeling more at home

2010-08-22T03:36:00.002-05:00

Well I always find I have at least one more item of furniture to move...but today after being in the apartment for over a month we were able to get the big furniture here.

We got our basics moved in a while back and it was in a lot of boxes. I felt like I lived in a storage shed because of all the boxes we had and no shelves or places to put it.

"Janus have you seen..."add household item here," and it would be time to search the boxes to find the item we need.

With 4 guys and a few trucks things can work. Dressers, Bookshelves, and the china cabinet. (Took all 4 of us to get that sucker upstairs.) Now instead of having a bunch of cardboard boxes next to my bed I have two bookshelves, a dresser, and a nice lamp. The room felt really peaceful and different. Maybe the surroundings does affect my moods afterall. So much for the "I'm a guy, who cares about the boxes" idea.

So now that the apartment looks like an apartment and I have a dining room table I am beginning to finally feel more at home. Oh, and I don't have to find socks in a garbage bag full of clothes either.

Closed for repairs

2010-08-18T22:40:00.001-05:00

Well, its an announcement anyway.

Trying to kick start my writing again, more to follow I hope

Fun I had forgotten

2010-01-01T23:55:00.002-06:00

As I mentioned before I hate snow.

I posted something a few years back about snow, in which I went out of my to explain how much I hate it.

Today I played in the snow.

I had a great time.

My son and I dressed up in warm clothes and walked to the local sledding field. A few kids were still sledding there with parents. Most parents kind of just mutter and watch the kids. I would be the one that would mutter I would have thought.

I watch J-2 get on the sled that Bella got for him at the store and tear down the hills over and over. Another boy watching him go down the hill in the sled asks if he can try out his sled.

J-2 just says "Go right ahead!"

The other kid lends his sled to him too, and they trade back and forth for a bit. I love how my son will share and just make friends with another kid so quickly.

J-2 has never really been sledding before, in fact before he came to live with Bella and myself he has never seen more than an inch or two of snow at a time and it is always gone the next day. The weather I would normally dream of.

He is so excited and happy when he can play in the snow and when Bella and I can join him. I watch him sled, and show him how to push himself faster.

He says "Do you want to give it a whirl?" Which is something I say to him normally.

We take turns a bit going down in the sled, Sometimes he slides down next to me like an otter on his snow clothes holding on to the sled while I go down and we scream as the sled speeds up.

On the way back to the house we stop and pick up some big icicles from the side of the building. These are new for him too, and he looks at them like a small miracle. He cautiously licks one and smiles and shrugs his shoulders.

I missed so much with him growing up. I missed first words, first steps, and first day of school. I was so happy to be a part of a first with him. Snow is still cold and I hate driving in it, but I can't hate something that he loves so much. I will have to hate it again when he is older.

I had a great day playing outside today.

Names..names...names...

2009-12-28T04:04:00.002-06:00

I am getting the blog ready for the "big" January launch. I guess that means that I am officially not blogging now, even if this seems like it. All part of my clever tricks I guess.

I have been debating starting a new blog with a new name in a new town....ok at least the first two. I don't know what to name myself though. I don't like hiding so much, but at the same time I don't like to embarrass my loved ones by using my real name and photo either.

It's a tough choice.

What to name the blog or do I just keep the same name.

I wonder if any of my blogger friends are still alive, or if facebook killed them off.

I have to go through my links and clean out the dead ones, but again....what name do I get.

New Years

2009-12-27T00:26:00.003-06:00

I realize that things are missing from my life and soul lately and I have had a week of mandatory resting to remember what it is I am.

I want to be a writer again. I don't have to be rich and famous (Note: I don't mind though, really if it happens, at least as far as I can tell, it hasn't happened yet.) I just need to get my ideas out of my head into paper (or a screen more likely) and maybe just maybe I might be able to do something with it.

But why do today what I can put off tomorrow. Let me set January for my start up time. I might also give myself a new name. A name people can pronounce. A name that will not make me sound like a 73 year old Grandma that makes cookies for the kids. ....I probably won't because that would require work, but its a possibility.

Hopefully I still will have readers, and I haven't been declared dead like my High school class believes (More on that some other time.) I am coming back.....hopefully in a few days.

Look out web, here comes Janus Torrell...again.

Janus has a pulse

2009-06-11T09:59:00.003-05:00

Yep, its been over 2 months but I am alive.

I am working days,

Being a Dad at nights

and in general catching up.

More to come, maybe...

Mending fences and behind the scenes

2009-03-26T23:53:00.002-05:00

Yeah I got a bad word on this post today, but I got to report it in the proper context..hope you can forgive it.

A lot of people were hurt years ago, and divided by fears and rumor. In the last two years many of those rumors are coming to light and seen as just that...rumors.

I got an apology today from someone that hated me years ago because he was lied to about me. He was bitter and angry and he realized through time and others that knew me that I was not the man he thought I was. Today I was told he wanted to talk to me and patch things up.

He is a man that finds it hard to apologize, but he said "I owe you an apology for believing those things about you and the way I treated you back then. I didn't realize that it was all a load of shit."

I told him it was water under the bridge and he didn't need to think anything of it.

He insisted though that I accept his apology. So I accepted it, and I said I know what you mean it happened to me too. I thanked him for looking out for my son and his sisters. I know he was duped like I was. A lot of us were hurt by this.

I would be lying if I said that over the years all that has gone on hasn't hurt me. As time goes on I realize that even though these horrible things happen, it is because I was there I was able to help not just my son now...but three very special young ladies that I love like my very own.
I believed in God, I believed in Jesus, and I believed he could do amazing things. I just always believed he did them for "other people." I doubted that God could mend the fences that I broke in the past. I now can see that it wasn't because he wanted me to hurt, but so I could be more than just my son's father. I can be there for 3 special ladies that need a parent. I realize more and more especially this week that it was worth it to be a part in these lives.

He really can turn what is meant for evil for good.

I can really see past myself for once.

This trip has been difficult and emotional and dreaded. It is also one of the most meaningful things I have ever done. My head is spinning trying to sort it all out.

The "why janus doesn't post" post (I better start posting again)

2009-03-26T03:05:00.001-05:00

I feel like I owe you all a bit of an explanation....because well I do.

I have not been off my blog so much because I am just too busy, the truth is I am also a bit lazy. I have neglected my first love which is the quill and ink.

Writing used to be my therapy. When I was in school at times writing helped me through some times, and when I hit a certain wall later in my life I would sometimes sit in the corner of the bar and grill with my glass and belt out pages of material.

Years ago in another place and another time I found out I was going to be a father. Living far from my childhood home and barely keeping the electricity on I turned to my pen. In between interviews and bad paying side jobs I belted out a kids book of 12 chapters in hope of somehow raising the means to support my small little family.

Things went from bad to worse relationship-wise and I ended up coming back home with my tail between my legs and had to leave my son behind since I couldn't fight for myself and didn't have a way to fight for him. I didn't know how but I knew someday I would return.

Writing lost its love for me then. What was once so easy and natural caused me pain and sadness. I could write a little here and there and blogged to keep in practice but it never was the same after that.

I am married now and since then also grew up and found a job that gave me meaning as well as a check.

And today, I know for certain my son is coming home. Living with me after almost 7 years. A piece of me that has been missing for so long is at last back into place.

I can't be certain...but I think I feel my hand drawing for the pen again.

I think I got more than my son back, I think I got my soul again.

Thank you for helping me get here. If I post 1000 times or never did it again, I couldn't have done it without everyone out there that was with me.

the light is back in my life

Snapped

2009-03-14T13:36:00.002-05:00

Last night was rough.

Actually last week was rough and last night just was the straw that snapped the camels back. (thus my not so original title...don't worry this isn't a lifetime network production.)

Last weekend I got in a car accident, my Buick versus a Ford truck. The truck won. What is the point of bumpers really, if every car has them at a different height? My bumper is fine, because his bumper went over it into my trunk. Turning my trunk into a wagon.

I was released to go back to work, but last night was a killer. I am drugging up to go in for the afternoon, my backups are unavailable this afternoon so it is me to fend off the hordes for about 5 hours. At least I will be able to see my friends and do something useful. It beats laying down all day which I did most of the week.

Last night I got the call that my car will more than likely be totaled. I haven't even paid the damn thing off yet, and now I have to try to find another one. I like my little rent-a-car but I can't keep that sucker going much further. So I guess I am going to have to play taps for the car.

Last night I had time to reflect. I try to avoid that, but I can't help it. I have something I need to do...more to come later.

The "I hope they had insurance" award goes to....

2009-02-04T19:59:00.002-06:00

It took Architects, draftsmen, masons, woodworkers, and hundreds of laborers ninety years to build the Church of Corcuetoes in Navarrete Spain .

The day after it was completed in 1625, it collapsed.

Suddenly my job doesn't feel so hopeless eh.

Getting back to normal someday?

2009-02-03T22:21:00.002-06:00

Well I decided that even though I could do something else that I was going to write an update. Preserving my once a month current streak.

For those wondering how I am doing, I am now working a few jobs. Which is a good thing. Workwise I am at my best game for years. I will have to update with more specifics.

I am also no longer suffering from insomnia. The extra work, some of it involving physical lugging of equipment for 3 hours every few nights has helped me rest. I am also taking something by my doctor which curbs my spaz attacks.

I am also worried. Lately I have been very thin-skinned. I am not sure if I am just tired or what. I do feel exhausted all the time but I notice that I am feeling more sarcastic, more tempermental, and in general not myself.

I am going to try upping my sleep and of course trying to keep up with praying and talking with others.

It concerns me that I am not being myself and I am taking on some of my traits from years ago. I didn't sleep much then either, it might explain the moods.

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T16:53:00.001-06:00

Well one of my resolutions is to actually blog more!

More changes to come. Hope you all had a great Christmas and happy new year and I got to go home and feed my wife.

Caio

J.T.

Great gifts for under $30 dollars.

2008-11-20T11:40:00.005-06:00

Yahoo had an article today called Great gifts under 30 dollars. Besides a puzzle and a magic 8 ball they didn't have much beyond makeup and exotic soap which is usually put in a drawer somewhere. As an act of community service I am going to give all of you some gift ideas for the holidays.

Gift Certificates For the movies, for the mall, for a good dining place, or even a taxidermist as far as I know. When in doubt give them something they can spend their own way. Impersonal it may seem, but would you rather have soap shaped like zoo animals?

Money The universal gift certificate. I never hear anybody go...Oh man do I have to have money again? I was hoping for a new party girl clutch. (I thought a clutch was a car part, until yahoo opened my eyes.)

Wine You can get an average drinkable wine for under 30 dollars or far less. If the wine is cheap get a few of them. They might not use them every day but it still beats a soap on a rope and Mr. Potato head.

Games Board games can be fun if they like games. Something that kids and adults can both love.

Do something nice and personal Make a special dinner or 5, make something (good) that you are able to, fix that stupid screen door. Something meaningful that they appreciate. Note. If you are supposed to fix your own screen door and she has been asking you to do that for 3 months, it doesn't count. I am talking about someone elses screen door.

Everyone needs to do a job search once in a while

2008-11-16T22:33:00.004-06:00

Well Monday comes and back to searching for work.

I found this a while back on youtube and it makes me laugh. As a person that loves Star Wars (yeah I will admit it) and a person looking for crappy jobs this is dedicated to all of you.

Oh and never let a Sith lord install your Invisible Doggy Fence.

Working with a fury

2008-11-12T23:19:00.003-06:00

Work is slow. Very slow.

So I am searching for more. Right now I am in a long drawn out expensive fight for someone else. It matters to me, but matters to him much more.

So got to update my resume.

Got to grind.

Got to try not to panic.

I got my books, I got my brain, and lately I got my rage.

Now if I can only not look really angry while I am grinding out there, and just get things done.

I need to get things done.

Disappointment, Delays, and Insomnia

2008-10-17T03:05:00.002-05:00

Another trip out west, another delay.

I was again at an extreme high tension, and it quickly just ended.

Now it is 1 in the morning, and I am wide awake.

Thought I would say hi at least.

I'll be back again....

Janus sends his regards

2008-10-13T23:07:00.002-05:00

Well Bloggers, I am heading out West again.

I am alternating between excited and terrified as I face the past and future at the same time.

Bella and I leave tomorrow afternoon, and hopefully then I will have my brain back.

Janus trying to write again, and self education.

2008-10-09T23:47:00.007-05:00

So right now I am working on my testimony for Celebrate the Journey, the support and recovery program at The Box.
The biggest problem with the testimony is the same I have with everything. It is either too long or short. I either talk too long about a single detail or I skip 10 years of my life for brevity. Janus Torrell has never written anything for it before, but you should check out the blog if you get a chance.
If I ever actually update and repair my blog that will be one of the links I add.

I am also working on my annual Halloween short story, which used to be a tradition in my yesterdays. I used to be able to write a bit of horror and suspense. I kind of lost that ability the last 5 years (with most of my quality going down the toilet.) So I want to acquire the ability again to write various genres. I still don't give a crap about romance stuff though.

Also I have not forgotten my loyal steadfast friend Frodo and that I owe her a copy of "How to mess up your life royally." Forgive the delay, but you ain't forgotten.

On the Academic front. I am studying "How to write a short story" in hopes of refining some techniques. I am also studying several books on Herbology and I got my old co-worker Jose working with me on experiments. I also got a book on Exodus and the parables of Jesus to slowly chew and study.

So I am trying to make the most of my quarter life crisis.

I am also preparing to leave town again, hopefully with more successful results.

Chiiiiili night!

2008-10-01T23:52:00.002-05:00

Woohoo got to make a big old pot of chili tonight. That may not sound so amazin' but it has been forever.

I have had two long term house guests that cannot eat beans, so I felt bad making chili in front of them if they can't eat it too.

Plus, when it is hot out, Bella hates it when I use the oven since it makes the whole house hotter than a jungle.

So, I got dinner done on time and well, and got to make one of my favorites!

....as you can tell, it has been a slow day.

Self destruction of blog not approved by zoning

2008-09-30T10:45:00.002-05:00

Well, we are still here.

I didn't push the self destruct button. Besides it just asks "Do you really want to delete this blog?" and doesn't even give me a cool count down sequence. No computer voice, no 10..9..8.., no nothing.
Since I am carrying over yesterdays conversation about lightsabers, today I have to rant about self destruct sequences. Do bad guys really worry about the good guys getting a hold of the secret lair that is normally so big you couldn't miss it, or do they all have self destruct sequences so that when they hire the evil contractors union they can shave some money off the estimate.

Dr. Evil: So we got the vats of acid, the missile silo, the escape pods, and the cool table with the trapdoors?

Evil Contractor: Yes, all good to go.

Dr. Evil: If you don't mind me asking, why do I have a giant exhaust door that they can fire a missile into and destroy my whole lair with?

Evil Contractor: Evil building codes require that we have giant exhaust doors for the sake of keeping the reactor cool.

Dr. Evil: Yes but wouldn't it be more logical to have a screen door on that?

Evil Contractor: That would require us getting permission from your evil homeowners association, and we have trouble getting them to call back. They insist that any external changes on your secret lair must be approved and match the exterior design of the other secret lairs in your association.

Dr. Evil: That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Fine. Can I at least get rid of the self destruct feature this time, since my last 4 lairs have been blown up by someone pushing a big red button.

Evil Contractor: Well....we can. It would require us to customize your lair. You ordered factory model volcano lair template 17. We can remove the self destuct but that would require us to customize the design and we would have to call the association..

Dr. Evil: Oh to hell with it, talk to Frau, I need two advils and a beer.

So. Bad jokes aside. I have been here for 313 posts...I might as well stick around a while.
Don't forget me internet land.

Pardon my candor. (Read only if you really like to read peoples complaining)

2008-09-30T00:12:00.005-05:00

This blog was originally designed for me to rant and not worry about people knowing who I am.

I failed in that because I decided to share, so sometimes I am less inclined to be truthful because I am concerned about people knowing when I am really feeling like crap.

Today is one of those days.

So with no apologies I am feeling irritable and grouchy.

Ever regret getting involved and making closer relationships with people? Somedays I do. Friends and family is what makes life worth living, but somedays I wish I didn't bother. You are less disappointed when you are not close to people. You don't have to hear about peoples problems when you don't talk to people. Sometimes getting to know people is just plain useless and depressing. I don't care to go far into that one just yet.

Today the smoke alarm went off, and I didn't see anything remotely similar to a fire. Yet it scared me. I was afraid to leave the pets, I was afraid I would leave and my house would be gone. I am embarrassed to be afraid of fire even though it has been almost a year.

I still have days where I am afraid to come home and the house is gone.

Today I am consumed with frustration, fear, anger, and depression. Too bad that won't make me have a cool red light saber and be able to move things. Instead it is crippling. I want to be well. I want to be as good as other people. I want to feel as inspiring and loving today as I should be.

Now this is not prose and this is not for anyone in particular so I am not going to wrap it up in a nice polished ending.

I am debating obliterating this blog and sparing the world this drama.

I will sleep on it, but then who knows.

I've had it.

Today's exciting headlines.

2008-09-22T23:35:00.004-05:00

Don't have a lot of time so I will have to look at yahoo headlines.

Miley Cyrus is acting up Oh heavens what is the world coming to, if she doesn't settle down I will have to return the Hannah Montana sleeping bag, purse, and flamethrower that I recently got. I can't imagine a Disney "actress" acting up. I hope she settles down like Lindsay Lohan.

Huge Diamond Discovered. No big deal, I can't afford it. Maybe they will make it the official Hannah Montana Diamond and sell it.

NFL Player with a bad rep calls Miami player "Dirty." Well I guess that guy would know. With all the football going on that is the top headline.

America's tastiest chocolate chip cookie. At last a real article. Go cookies!

Where did the real news go?

What gets your attention?

2008-09-08T12:02:00.003-05:00

Warning: personal feelings alert. I might actually talk about what I am thinking today.

What makes me believe in God to the point where I want to get involved in a community I didn't really know about or understand?

Truthfully, I think it is sacrifices.

I have never had a lot of money (compared to my neighbors I should say.) Until I got my Buick I never owned a car that didn't want me to have a tetanus shot. I didn't have the really glamorous job. I have never been famous and even really known outside of my immediate neighborhood.

In short, I have been pretty much playing it safe my entire life.

Then yesterday I heard my friend Tim (his real name) speak. Every story is different and yet the same in one aspect or other. You have someone who is doing very well in the eyes of the earth.
Great job, success, climbing a corporate ladder...the whole package.

Then you hear how meaningless it became and how they left a lot of it behind.

Now I have been told money will not make you happy since day one. I rarely hear about that though from people that had much of it. Kind of like a guy that is afraid of heights telling you that skydiving isn't that big a deal.

I have had the honor of talking and meeting many of my the leaders of the church that I go to. They have one thing in common. They could be great successful executives and probably could make it in fortune 500 companies if they wished. I am not exaggerating that point either. In fact many of the leaders walked away from the ladder less than 10 years ago.

Sales people, plant managers, software engineers, corporate trainers... people that I wanted to be years ago but never had the "personality" to be. Our modern Hercules and Achilles in today's world. People that can attain money and power that are the modern gods of today's world. God knows that's what I wanted to be and what I hoped to be someday.

Over 2000 years ago two pairs of brothers walked away from a profitable fishing business to live a life of danger and sacrifice. If they would have decided to rather just put a little extra in the offering and continue fishing....well the apostle Peter and apostle John among others would probably have faded into obscurity. The original disciples knew what sacrifice was as well. John is the only one of the original disciples to not be killed for the faith.

I often have to ask myself, would these people walk away from all that unless they knew what they wanted and needed was much more?

I haven't left a lot behind. I am occasionally wondering, and it happens more frequently, if I am willing to lose my life to gain it. Am I trying to live a double life?

Dee leeted

2008-09-05T01:06:00.000-05:00

Had something, changing my mind. Deleted old post.

I guess I should say something else in this space to fill it in.

How about Orange Julius

Janus and his wild holiday weekend

2008-09-02T11:19:00.003-05:00

Friday: Vegged. Wish I didn't looking back

Saturday: Went to evening services, ran the camera, went out to eat and watched "The Bank Job" with Bella.

Sunday: Bella and I went to visit my parents and sister's family. Sammy (the dog) went swimming in the lake while I avoided bees for a while. We went out to eat at the slowest service dining experience that I ever went to (Even worse than the Ruby Tuesday incident of '97, which is a story for another day) Which gave us more time to talk. Left my parents at midnight or so, had to fight our way to the door to escape the family.

watched "21" when we got home. I hope if they ever make a movie about me they will find someone that doesn't look anything like me to do the part. Hollywood can make card counting almost interesting.

Monday: Went swimming with our friends at their apartment centers pool. The water was great. Got to hold a newborn a bit and play with a excited 3 year old. Lucas and I got to play with an adult level erector set, one of those BBQ grills you can buy at the store that has about 50 small parts to put on it. The store clerk said it takes a half hour, it took us 2 hours.

Tuesday: Back to reality.

Nonlabor day and Janus gets tasered by the fashion police.

2008-08-30T01:33:00.004-05:00

For the first time in about 8 years I am going to not be working on labor day.

Joining the fine tradition of celebrating working by not working at all.

My hats off though for everyone that actually is working, and I want to let you know that I totally get it. I am sure that I am only getting Monday off because of an accident from my supervisor who didn't ask me to substitute for everyone else and besides my Monday client is still at the hospital.

So I might not update for a few days. Don't worry I'm alive.

I have not yet found the cozy job where I can take off Earth Day and Arbor Day yet. Not that I really do anything on those days. I will just have to see if the caregivers and nursing assistants union loves trees and green things.

Apparently I need to have less stuff in my wallet (less papers and cards...not less money.) My wife and current guest have pointed out that I am just not fashionable having a bulky looking pocket that looks like I am walking around with a Batman belt. I have kept my wallet in my front pocket for years (anti-pickpocket thing I learned in France not to mention I am paranoid of losing my wallet.) So I guess I either have to wear it in the back or get a man bag.

Only when I got married was able to find someone that cared to tell me that I need to make wardrobe adjustments. I don't think Jose and Angie had the heart to tell me. Someday I will tell you about my shopping trips about 12 years ago where my poor coworkers hated helping me.
They eventually gave up in despair.

Personally I don't care though so I will probably continue looking fashionably clueless. At least until they do the intervention.

Janus considers his career plan

2008-08-29T01:07:00.002-05:00

Today is one of them days. Two of my clients had to get medical attention. (Not from anything I did or didn't do...don't worry.) I am often reminded of just how unstable working with the elderly can be.

Two in one day though is a bit of a surprise for me nonetheless.

I need a job where I feel less attached to people. Perhaps I should consider being a probation officer.

Nah.

I need to write a few best sellers and retire in relative obscurity. How's that for a career plan?

I never really did get around to the career plan thing.

Somedays I wish I had.

I can't even isolate myself properly today right.

2008-08-28T00:33:00.003-05:00

I have had this screen up for over an hour. I have to go to bed.

I feel I should write something. Writers are supposed to do stuff like that according to my English teacher.

Today I went over to Lucas's place to fix his computer, I ended staying there most of the night. I guess I am just feeling weird. Normally I hate going anywhere and I feel like going home and shutting off the world for a while. Today I just couldn't do it.

Which is stupid, because how often will I get a chance to do this as things get crazier.

I miss crazy old hermit me.

Tomorrow I am dealing with a patient that is in rapid decline, I am not looking forward to that. No matter how hard I try I can't stop things from falling apart, I can only try to slow it down a bit.

Maybe it is time for a career change. Now is not the time to do anything risky. When is it a time to do something risky though?

Well time for bed.

Riveting Entertainment News.

2008-08-26T10:11:00.004-05:00

I thought this morning I would celebrate my return to the ordinary world by seeing what exciting news happened today.

"Downey Disses the Dark Knight."

Alright I realized entertainment is not really "News" just like Nintendo Wii is not really golf and bowling, but still. Is this the best they can do?

Why would millions of people care about Robert Downey Jr's comic book opinions? I don't think Robert Downey Jr. even cares about his own comic book opinions.

Dancing with the Stars is having a new season. I am very happy to no longer be working at a retirement home during the evening, so I can completely avoid watching this. I do have to see who the "Stars" are since normally I don't know more than a third of them. This gives me hope that someday I might be a "star." Though I don't dance so I am not going on this show, even if I do lose what dignity I have left.

Lance Bass. Ok at least I know that is. I didn't know him when he was a singer, but I get to hear about how he did an interview with people magazine and did some cartoons. When we run out of N'Syncers we might have to tap into that New Kids On The Block members. Hopefully by then the show will be gone.

Toni Braxton. I remember the name. She sang some songs 10 years or more ago and I can't remember any of them but hey its been a while. I can't even remember half the crap I learned in school.

Brooke Burke. Don't know her. Oh, wikipedia says she is a former lingerie model and appeared nude somewhere or other about 5 years ago or so. Must of missed the memo.

Rocco Dispirito. Never heard of him. I guess he's a chef or something. I don't know anything about celebrity chefs unless I have one of their products in my house. Why isn't Chef Boyardee coming out to dance this season. That might be interesting.

Maurice Greene. Hmm no idea. Oh a former Olympic athlete. Thats alright.

Kim Kardashian. I have heard of her, I wish I hadn't, but I know the name. A reality TV (gag) star My knowledge of her comes from watching her get bashed on The Soup. I can understand lingerie models, chefs, and athletes...but Kim Kardashian????

Cloris Leachman. Hmm I feel I should know this one. It is a name that I don't hear every day but how can I forget someone named Cloris? She won a whole bunch of awards for TV acting. I don't watch a lot of TV, so I am clueless.

Cody Linley. Never heard of him. Oh he is on that evil Hannah Montana thing. So he probably has a curling iron and towel with his picture stuck on it somewhere but I have trained myself to run from Hannah Montana stuff before it gets scarred into my memory.

Susan Lucci. Hmm no idea. The most famous face in daytime television and soap opera star. (Yahoo is so kind to let me know that I should know her.) Well I hate daytime TV and soap operas are even worse. So now I know.

Misty May-Treanor. I think I spelled that right, I ain't checking again. Olympic athlete. that says it all. I really need to pay attention to sports more.

Ted McGinley. Alright, know this one. I am actually glad Ted McGinley is on Dancing With the Stars. Usually when Ted shows up on a television show it means it is on the verge of being canceled. He is one of the signs that the show is on the way out. Go Ted go!

Jeffrey Ross. The guy from celebrity roasts. Glad he is able to take time off his busy schedule of trying to make people like Donald Trump and Bob Saget seem amusing. This will give the future roastees something to fight back with.

"Oh yeah...well you were on dancing with the stars....buuuuuuuuuuurn!" Then he sniffles and walks off the camera.

Finally Warren Sapp. Retired famous football player. 'Nuff said.

Well thats enough of that crap, I have to find the real world again now. I should have slept more.

I'm home

2008-08-26T00:59:00.001-05:00

Just like the title says. I'm too tired to talk more. I am back in Chicagoland though.

Whew my bed, my house, my pooch.

feels good to be home.

Emails from the edge (of the world)

2008-08-21T11:30:00.002-05:00

Well my hotel has an internet terminal so I am able to do something from here that I have neglected many times to do at home.

Mainly update my blog.

I came into town not knowing what to expect and prepared for the worst. This of course means that when things actually turned out to be better than I thought that I was utterly blown away by it.

Thanks God, now I can enjoy some quality time.

The hotel is nice other than the bed is so soft that our backs can't handle it. (We are used to firm.) Bella ain't fond of the coffee...since I drink tea I don't know how lousy the coffee is. I take her word for it.

Of course as soon as I go out of town I have trouble at home. The A.C. is leaking coolant and I might have to check with State Farm to find out if the neighbors places are ok. Ughhh. My poor housesitter/friend Lucas had the neighbor let him know last night. Nothing like doing home repair from 2000 miles away. Ain't technology great.

This is my 300th post. Which means in two years I have done pretty good but will have to improve my posting average for next season.

See ya all later.

The doctor is out

2008-08-19T00:33:00.001-05:00

8 days seems so fast. I am stressin but I am glad to be facing things.

I will be back soon. I'll bring ya a T-shirt

Bad photo shop requests, new essay, out of town announcement

2008-08-11T14:17:00.003-05:00

Even He-Man hates driving on Ogden Avenue at 5:00. Robin looks a bit uncomfortable at him yelling obscenities at the construction workers and little old ladies with blue hair.

Well, Despite the desire to make a totally believable photo shop image, I decided that I worked on this already too long and decided that the 3 people looking at it will forgive me for not giving it my full attention. Even the stuff I give my full attention to tends to look cheesy and so those that know me. Well you know me.

8 days til I head out of town and I am biting my fingernails so much that I ate half of my index finger yesterday. (Not really, but I am nervous.)

My quality is dropping on all sides. Though for a special special treat for my loyal readers I am nearly done with my latest and if not greatest at least not to0 mediocre essay called "How to screw up your life royally" and it is available soon on email request. Now don't be frightened if you read it by a different name than Janus Torrell since as you know I use pen names and aliases...so you might get another pen name or wowsah even my own name depending on my mood.

By request He man and the bat mobile

2008-08-10T00:02:00.002-05:00

Don't ever say that I don't take requests. Seriously though, I might have to lay off the pictures for a while. I am feeling rather cheap and lazy with my blogging.

Well now I know why I felt bad last night. Stomach bug strikes again. Don't worry though I am sleeping and I am feeling better already.

In fact I am a little hungry.

Brain Storm Severe Weather Watch

2008-08-09T03:42:00.002-05:00

I need to sleep.

No pictures today, apparently Batman and Skeletor couldn't kick start my blog much.

I had a bunch of ideas of stuff to write, but am too tired.

So I took some notes and now I am heading to bed.

quiet down brain, I need sleep

Happy and Fun post that has nothing happy or fun about it

2008-08-02T16:20:00.003-05:00

Skeletor really has nothing to do with this post, but I figured it needed something colorful. You can't argue that light blue and purple isn't colorful.

I also got rid of the whining post from yesterday.

No one likes to read my whining including me. Let's add a "Happy and Fun" post today.

If I could only think of something happy and fun to write we would be in business.

I tried googling "Happy and Fun" but nothing came up.

Ah well I will come back later.

Janus decides Batman makes the blog look better

2008-08-01T23:50:00.002-05:00

Ok I lied, I am not in bed yet.

I am debating about doing a few things, besides erasing the previous post.

I feel the need to do something different with this blog, to refreshen that old love I used to have to writing. I mean I really have to get back into my first love. It is the best way to cure my rut than anything else I know. It also won't hurt my liver. (At least as far as we have figured out.)

So.

Some of the things I have thought about have been:

1.Change the background colors. People have told me that I have a very boring background. I changed it to this color originally because my black background caused my good friend to lose her eyesight. (Sorry about that.) What color could I do that will be less boring and easy on the eyes. hmm I will get back on that.

2. Update the links. Well I did get rid of the link to Gerald Ford's blog when someone sent me the email to tell me that he died a while back. I have a few friends that have new blogs that the 4 people that still haven't given up hope that I will update again won't find out about if I don't put up the links. Talk about being a bad neighbor.

3. More movie and picture blogs. My wife has pictures on her blog, my friend Eric puts videos up on his. I might try that sometime. In fact I am going to put a random picture of Batman on this post just to make it more interesting...at least for me. (There we go.)

4. maybe I will update my blog more frequently than my car oil change. Yeah it couldn't hurt.

Things to do while your car is having diagnostic tests

2008-07-01T12:06:00.002-05:00

(Yes this was what I almost wrote yesterday)

1) Read golf, boating, and men's fashion magazines. I really don't know why all waiting rooms have these. Either golf and boating is more popular than I realized or these magazines are marketed to waiting rooms.
This afternoon I decided to buy a pontoon boat. I will purchase this boat when I win the lottery which I don't ever buy tickets for. So this might take a while.
I also learned how to "Build the Swing I Want" (in golf, not for the porch.) I used to think golf is pretty meaningless and a waste of time, but then my friend won a $50,000 dollar prize playing golf. Golf is still fairly meaningless and a waste of time to me, but not nearly as much in general I guess.
As for men's fashion, I am too out of touch and broke at the moment. I will worry about being stylish roughly after I win the lottery, get the pontoon boat, and take golf lessons.
Ack so much for this.
Too bad they don't have Highlights magazine here, so I can keep up with important issues like The Timbertoes and finding a pencil hidden in a drawing of a Hippopotamus in a tutu riding on a unicycle.
Ranger Rick has nice photos of lemurs too. Alas, this is a car dealership, and a Buick one at that. I guess they don't think that the average 50+ year old white male that drives Buicks would care about lemurs.

2) They have those puzzles with the triangle peg board and golf teas. You know what I am talking about right? They are like the Rubik's Cubes and the connecting horseshoes trick. I can only get it down to two pegs though.
Two pegs.
Two pegs
Three pegs. Damn it.
Enough of this crap. Stupid puzzle.

3) Soda and Snack machines. I remember when sodas were 50 cents. $1.25 for a can of Coke? I can't drink soda right now anyway. I am talking about prices from years ago. Oh no, I'm turning into my dad! Curse you Buick!

4) Free coffee. Too bad I really don't drink coffee. Besides it's hot and humid outside, so why would I want a steaming 'Cup of Joe?' Why do they call it Joe anyway? I'm going to google that later. I'll just drink some 5) free water instead. Weeeeeeeee!

6) Newspaper. No Comics? Well there goes that. I'm not up for reading the riveting Transportation section.

Wow, I sat back down after finding all the stuff to do here and the chair makes a suspicious sound that had everyone in the waiting room looking at me.

It's the chair....really.

I'm sure they don't believe me.

7) Watch Fox News with the other 50 year old kids. Someone turned on the TV and to the news. Ack, I hate the news. I don't care about Mccain, Obama, or Brittney Spears. Call me a bad citizen if you want, I am more worried about me.

8) I can't believe I wrote this entire list on scratch paper. I better check on my car. I'm getting hungry.

Things to...

2008-07-01T03:33:00.002-05:00

Nevermind, its late and I am tired. I will have to belt this one out tomorrow.

Off to Never Never Land for me

I'm flattered but....no

2008-06-21T11:40:00.002-05:00

The other day I was chatting with my friend in the arts office about the usual stuff. How did the movie look? Did I work the camera like a kangaroo on Starbucks? How's the family? Stuff like that.

I always ask about video shoots because I want to go along on one and see how it's done. Usually all the video shoots are in the early morning or on days when I am working on something. At some point in my recent years I have started being fascinated with film and drama. I'm amazed by it, I love to learn about it, and see it happen.

I was asked if I would like to be an extra in one of the movies. I very quickly said no.
Public appearance stuff is about the only line I am not willing to cross.

I will write something for an audience, but I can't stand up and speak in front of them.

I can use a camera to record someone speaking, but I dodge the lens when I can.

I don't even have yearbook pictures when I was old enough to avoid them, I didn't want to remember what I looked like about 20 years down the road. Denial is good.

I really don't mind doing about anything I am physically capable of doing to help out, but I am scared to death of being in front of people. I didn't use to be so shy, but I don't feel that comfortable in my skin anymore. So part of it is wanting to be behind the scenes and another part is I am terrified to be seen.

You add that to Youtube and that makes me duck or turn around when I see any flashing red lights. I love Youtube, I can listen to my bad 80's music and see some stuff that entertains me, but I don't ever want to be on it.

Besides am I the only one that thinks this....I think I sound pretty nice and don't mind hearing me talk as a general rule. I listen to a recording of me though and I go "WHO IS THAT?!" I sound like a mumbling nasal teenager. Knowing that alone makes me not too eager for recorded medium. I mean I can't even watch my vacation videos without cringing.

So this shoot that is coming up, pray that I stay strong. If a bunch of guys try to talk me into it I have to remember that I will live to regret it. Let's keep as much of Janus as we can off other forms of media.

no no no.

Telly's new place

2008-06-19T19:50:00.003-05:00

I am slowly getting back up from being sick.

Has it been a month?

Does anyone read this anymore?

Why do I ask questions that are pointless?

Today I saw Telly. To fill you in, I used to take care of Telly but he went to "a home" over a month ago. So on the way back from the Box I decided to drop by and see him. It is very difficult to talk to him because he has a problem hearing but also not a lot to say.

When you live in a place and the highlight of the day is waiting an hour for dinner since you want to get there early and get a better table.... It was hard to see him to be perfectly honest, since I didn't know what to talk about.

"How do you like it here?" Good... "How is the food" Good....

It was also hard to see that he is getting older and slowing down even more. It has been about a month and he seems to have aged years since our last meeting. Same shirt, same smile, but something different.

I also saw a room full of people that had the same sad looks. People with gray and white hairs, people that had walkers and wheelchairs, people that had a problem even holding their head up. Quite different from the independent living homes, a nursing home seems more like a gloomy prison. The staff was nice enough, but you can't help but feel the futility.

I know that they have a few other floors for people that have Dementia. I thought the first floor was gloomy enough. I think I will stay away from that floor unless I have to.

I fear getting older. I am scared I will end up in a cafeteria with a bib anxiously awaiting my hot dog for an hour so I can have a chair facing a TV. This reminds me of why I do what I do, to try to bring a little light in that darkness.

He asked when I was coming back, I told him I would drop by next Thursday on the way back from work. Somewhere along the way I got adopted into his family.

When you are still deciding what to be when you grow up.

2008-05-28T23:30:00.002-05:00

It stinks when you don't know what you want to be when you grow up.

It's worse when you are in your 30's.

So tonight I am working on some fine paperwork for tomorrow, getting ready to work in the afternoon, and seriously considering what is next for me.

Even if I do figure it out soon, then my next step is finding out how to get there.

People ask me "Well what do you like to do?"

Nothing that pays, so I have to find something I like, or at least make enough to tolerate it.

Somehow I feel that is not the best way to approach the problem.

Well...will talk soon

Closed for weekend

2008-05-23T23:36:00.002-05:00

Well, I am off for the weekend.

Keep my seat for me

A little better

2008-05-18T23:34:00.001-05:00

Here but not here...come back tomorrow

dramas and addictions

2008-05-17T23:23:00.002-05:00

I am tired.

I am tired of drama.

I miss when I was less...complicated. I am glad that it is pretty much me in blog land here, since I have not been dropping by other blogs yet. So I figure I can shout into the wind here and no one will mind.

I have been ignoring my phone a few hours. I have sunk into addiction patterns. Don't worry I haven't been smoking or tipping the bottle. Its these damn ruffles potato chips and youtube surfing. I was told today to be strong in God and not fall into my depression.

I failed miserably.

I am saying "I" an awful lot.

The funny thing about addiction is that some people have pet addictions and they regard some worse than others. I don't think because I am 170 pounds that eating out of compulsion is any less of a problem than if I was 400 pounds. We tend to focus on the externals. Drinking, drugs, and all that sort fo thing. I feel that me wanting to curl up in a ball and tune out the world is just as bad.

It's not about me though all the time, and I need to work on that. Lately my poor friends and family have had to be witness to my life drama. I am embarrassed to dump this on people. So I am going to dump it here...make some great stir fry...and talk to Bella when she gets home.

Tomorrow will be better.

Getting it off my chest and bad music

2008-05-16T23:18:00.002-05:00

Thing that I would love to say but for legal reasons I would have to say off record.

"I Trust Him/Her about as much as Hannibal Lecter with a bottle of A-1 sauce and a school bus full of kids."

Yeah its immature and not really loving but I had to say it somewhere!

Today I am a bit in the dumps dealing with life's little dramas.

Though if I want to laugh for no reason at all I just have to listen to the Janus Torrell Future Ipod list of songs banned by the Geneva convention.

Der Kommissar featured by After The Fire.
Take on me by Aha
You spin me round (like a record) by Dead or Alive.

These songs make most people change the channel, for some reason I turn them up full blast and watch people cringe.

I am sure I have a few more all I have to do is ask Eric Bramlett for some truly agonizing songs from Jack FM.

Yeah it really was my birthday

2008-05-15T23:17:00.002-05:00

Well no, I'm not dead.

Not yet at least.

I did just have my birthday yesterday, and I am 25 again. I will remain 25 until I have kids in the house, then I will move to 31 or 32 or something.

Alright, bad joke, I am 31. I am not afraid to be 31. What I am afraid of is my Dad telling me that from now on life is going to go really fast. Thanks for the warning Dad.

I am already noticing it in fact, today I went to work...for too long... and then I went to "The Box" to do some errands and answer some calls. I was on the way home when Rob called me up and said "Hey you fancy something for dinner" so I went out for dinner...and somehow it is 11:20 pm now.

Where did the day go? Time flies when you are having fun and all, but work wasn't fun and driving around isn't either. So I guess it is Rob's fault for buying me a delicious dinner for my birthday since I enjoyed that.

He made me age faster...drat.

Anyway I missed you all, I will try to be good and do this blog thing a bit more often and it looks like I will be here for a while.

Hope to talk to you soon, at least not another 2 months...sheesh.

Ffrazzled and recovery. (Aka where I was for a week)

2008-03-22T16:55:00.004-05:00

Well I dealt with someone on Wednesday that I haven't dealt with for 6 years or so, and it was a bit harder than I expected. Praying for peace and words before hand is always a good practice. I really never know what I am doing, good thing for me God does.
Still despite things going "Not so bad" I have had a problem relaxing even worse than usual, I don't how I am going to make it to May. I was going to decompress a bit yesterday but had company until about 9:00.
I love company, but I am that Introvert no matter how hard I try not to be, and I don't really relax with anyone else around that easily. It doesn't mean I don't love and like people, but I am a hermit when I rest.
I talked to James (Something I haven't done for a long time since things have been so crazy) and we did some catching up. James was amazingly patient and understanding...I think he is finally getting old and mellowing out (like I kind of did.)
I had coffee with my friend Allen this morning, and other than the waking up part, It was good. I feel more at peace after having a sounding board, though I feel a bit odd confiding in people still.
Torrell men are not famous for that "Sharing stuff." I am the loudest of course in my family but I always feel like I am a downer or obnoxious so avoid that sharing stuff.
My wife and I went to the Gym today, and yesterday. If I had life insurance I might question if she is trying to kill me since I am not Mr. Activity. I am doing well though and it feels good actually!
Well other than my calve muscles.
It feels like someone was smacking them with a baseball bat.
I had a massage and a chiropractor appointment afterwards which helps.
I am also proud of myself for being able to jog about a 1.8 miles in 18 minutes, which for me is amazing, though probably pretty mediocre for most people. I am the guy that skipped gym class for most of school though so that is about the equivalent of winning a contest for me.
Who knows if I do this long enough I might sleep like a baby.

Winding down

2008-03-09T23:33:00.000-05:00

Well I did my emails and I am doing my dinner and tea.

Wish me luck.

Thanks again to Frodo and Snag for your suggestions, I will let you know if they work for me after I test em.

Restless Janus again

2008-03-08T23:27:00.005-06:00

What else is new...I am not able to sleep lately

I have been getting about 4-5 hours a night pretty much every night this week so I am zonked.

So I am taking a brief break from my exciting moment of browning beef and cleaning the kitchen to blog and ask help from my readers...I think all 5 or 6 of you maybe? (It is hard to tell you guys aren't very loud.) So if you want to try it I am asking for your imput. Because the internet is full of people with experience of some sort.

Let me tell you what I have already tried and what I am trying.

Ambien or Xanax. Yeah I have resorted to doctors. Even the Ambien or Xanax seems to be weaker. I might be immune to it, or it might be that I am too wound up that I can't relax even with modern science. I can't take both together, Bella would revive me from my coma and put me in another one if I did that. Mixing pills and/or drinks are not good. I don't want to relax that much...

Restful exercise. It wakes me up more than it relaxes me

quit caffeine about 4 months ago...no help

I am considering listening to relaxing ocean sounds and sea gulls...hopefully it won't make Bella and I need to use the bathroom instead of relax us.

Now...if any of my friends, family, or random wandering reader wants to give me a suggestion I am all ears. Please don't say "Reduce your stress" if I could do that, I would of done it about 30 years ago.

Thanks

Looking up

2008-03-05T23:39:00.002-06:00

Things are already looking up....though I am slammed getting ready for tomorrow.

Thanks for everyone for checking in

restless night sighs

2008-03-05T01:47:00.003-06:00

It is 2 am and I pace the wooden floors of my house with the click clack sounds of Sammy following behind me.

The sleeping pills may kick in soon. My mind is alive and everywhere at once tonight. My thoughts on the ones I love on the other side of the country, My heart feels for good friends that are facing tough times, my heart thinks of my lovely wife asleep behind me.

I fear the future and uncertainty. Normally I am not long seeing and I am able to go for the ride. To see and anticipate the worst is hell in itself. God is in control. God is in control, I just wish he would fill me in a bit on whats going on.

I spent a lot of time here at 2:30 in the morning once. I never thought I could feel about so much people and feel so helpless. I wish I knew what I could do to make things better. Half my life I was able to do so much good and I didn't, now I wish I could do some good and I am unable to.

I need to do something...anything. Perhaps tomorrow.

Perspective

2008-02-28T23:06:00.002-06:00

I am really charged up from some encouraging news about my situation. I am smiling again and I am feeling more confident these last few days.

My problem still looms ahead, but I had a talk with the expert and I was reassured. I have been surrounded by many friends and family as of late that have let me know that not only am I not alone but I am thought of.

I just wish I was able to help those that are closer to the fire. My heart aches for those that are thrown into this situation but do not feel the support and strength I am feeling right now. I wish I knew how to help them, I can only pray for them.

I wish my old anger and unforgiving part of me would stay away. After years of being scared and feeling powerless I am tempted to want to gloat at my opposition. I need to keep my perspective. This isn't a win or lose battle for my own sake. This is for them.

I will not let this turn into my petty sweet revenge. This is not about me damnit, this is about them. This is for God, this is for them.

This is for him.

God please help me be the right way, God please help me do things for the right reasons.

Let me give him what he deserves. Let me be who I need to be.

Thanks for all the folks that have been praying and keeping me in mind all this time. Despite the long silences. Please keep praying and thinking of me. You are making a difference.

A moment of relfection for NIU

2008-02-14T23:16:00.002-06:00

I was going to write a post about Valentines Day tonight, but out of respect to the victims of the shooting at NIU and their loved ones I am only going to say that my prayers are with you.
My brother went to NIU as did my wife at one point, and I don't know anyone from my home state that is not connected to NIU in some way.

Please take of moment of your time, and pray for the all the poor folks involved. Thank you.

Coming back Muesday

2008-02-02T16:16:00.000-06:00

Working on drafts when I am home this week, and sleeping and recovering when I am not.

Hopefully all will be well after the weekend.

Hopefully I will get more reading and writing done too!

Muesday Night Blues

2008-01-29T00:21:00.000-06:00

Well today I went into the office and I sorted mail. Exciting!? Well probably not, but it actually was relaxing for me. I have been feeling really worthless the last week or so because of this...whatever I have...that is making me unpredictable.

I have a bunch of ideas really to put on this blog, but I am really just too lazy to do them now. Besides Bella is home so I need to log off the computer and be social.

Tomorrow is another day. That last statement comes from my new sponsor "The Mr. Obvious Show."

Talk to you all later.

Janus and public speaking

2008-01-24T00:20:00.000-06:00

Years ago (I never thought I would admit to this) I used to take communications classes and wanted to be a great public speaker.

That might have worked if I actually liked talking to a large group of people. As hard as it may be to believe (cough cough) I am not that outgoing and exciting. I even bore myself at times.
So I have learned a few important things the last few years.

If I speak on stage I need a podium. If I don't have something to hold on to, I tend to pace or do this kind of swaying around thing like a cobra with a beard. In high school I made a few people dizzy and gave a freshman a seizure from watching me give a speech. So I either have to sit down or hold on to something.

I am not always a good listener. I do have a hearing problem at times and sometimes people have repeat themselves and speak louder. This is embarrassing and makes talking a bit challenging, because most people think I am not listening. I am actually trying to listen, I just can't hear and they talk to0 fast to read lips.

I either am too quiet or too loud. Voice modulation, probably because of my bad hearing. I also tend to get hyper and talk too fast as I go. Which makes my voice get even louder.

I get jumbled if I am not prepared. I change my accents around, I say things backwards, pronounce things wrong, or just say the wrong word altogether.

So bottom line I probably shouldn't run for public office or ask for a stage job. People say if I practice I will get better at it, I figure I will practice at home for a few more years before I try it again.

Slightly behind....

2008-01-21T13:28:00.001-06:00

Well I am not making any promises to be back, since they only lead to disappointment. But I am back at least for this quick post.

I am getting over a stomach virus which is not particulary repulsive or gross, but a bit uncomfortable and hopefully I shall feel good in a week or so. It gives me wierd hunger cravings and cramps and a little sick to my stomach...I was concerned that I somehow might be pregnant with an alien baby or something, but the doctor assures me that things will be fine. So if you don't hear from me for a while again that is because the alien burst from my chest like in the movie Alien. Which reminds me I should get more Lysol wipes.

I am slowly getting back to work, which I have been slumping at for the last few months. I am good at my 9-5 job, but not so good at working hard on my time at home. So wish me luck with that.

I am slowly unearthing my mail boxs and blog feeders and are trying to get them all down to the single digits. (922 emails, 400 blogs to read.) So you might get about 10 comments in a row from me. Don't worry I am not selling viagra, its really me. I will try to limit by chatter, just know that I care enough to read old news too.

Now my wife is going on online and I am going to finish my wonton soup and get ready for work tonight.

Thanks for dropping in.

J.T.

Christmas: The after action report

2007-12-29T14:36:00.000-06:00

I did not get fossil fuels in my stocking so that is great.

Like Thanksgiving I had 3 get togethers, and it took me about 2 days later to not feel entirely full. That isn't a complaint, it is really good actually.

I will be honest Christmas really isn't my favorite time of year, in fact I dread the whole month of December, but this year was probably the best I have ever had, at least that I remember. I don't think I was nearly as depressed as I normally am and I actually was social.

I have gotten to know people a bit more since last year and don't feel nearly as much of a stranger in a strange land. I used to be a bit frightened to get to know people or letting people know me. I guess I just figured the less I knew people the less likely I would want to start avoiding them all the time. The last two years I have really been taking more "risk' and actually willing to let people know how insane I am. My wife has also been great for me coming out of my shell and people no longer tell her I am too quiet. (Which I always thought was funny, since I think I am loud and obnoxious.)

Still I am glad that January is coming, I enjoy things being more normal. Also I am glad to stop hearing that Christmas music.

Take care

Thats a wrap, 2 shopping days are left!

2007-12-23T12:33:00.000-06:00

Back when I was a single man I did all my Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. I would go to the shopping mall with four other guys that realized that they have to buy a present or never hear the end of it.

So three of us would get out at the curb, while the fourth person drove in circles trying to find a parking spot.

Inside the mall for the only day out of the year you will find it is pretty much only men. Men with collective looks of guilt on their face would be looking at whatever was left after all the women, children, men that plan ahead, and Mongolian Hordes have left behind (Mostly on the clearance rack.)

Such gems are left for purchase such as a potholder that looks like a giant strawberry that is 90% off, Old spice cologne that smells like really really old spice (a favored gift for Father's Day for any unemployed kid in the world), a tablecloth that a color-blind circus clown with no fashion sense would get. Well you get the idea...

We would buy the stuff that no one wanted, get gift receipts, and let them exchange them back for something with taste and thought.

Now that I am married (and have been dating long enough before that,) I don't do that sort of thing anymore. My main shopping is done for Bella, since Bella does most of the shopping for both of us when it comes to other people. She is more patient and thoughtful than I am and would never get my dad Old Spice.

I no longer wait until Christmas eve and try to get what is left. I do most of the shopping at least a week ahead of time, and today I finish some final touches with my gift shopping (Hey one day earlier than usual!) So today while my wife is doing facebook and reading blogs, I am going to be finishing up.

After that I need to learn how to wrap presents, since mine tend to look more like a crime scene than a cherished gift. Too bad my nieces aren't around so I can pay them to wrap things up pretty for me.

Wish me luck bloggers, and if I don't get back here tomorrow or the next day have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Beer.

Janus Returns to Return of the Janus yet again

2007-12-22T13:54:00.001-06:00

Is this thing turned on? (taps on blog) 1..2..3... testing.

If you have dropped by and been loyally checking for updates I thank you for your patience. I am sorry to not be updating, I am even sorrier (is that a word?) for not reading. The last month has been a bit of a roller coaster and I am trying really hard now to get back into my writing mode.

Then I will have to get into my reading mode after that.

I am doing alright, I am not dead or anything (Which you probably gathered from me writing a blog entry.) I was kinda grouchy and worried for the last month and I was tired about blogging about me being grouchy and worried. I don't like to read lots of depressing stuff, so I tend to try avoid writing it either. It doesn't make your day really, and I would rather write something different.

So now I will tell ya some stuff I have been doin'. I have made a commitment to my wife to work on a writing project for 20 hours a week after Christmas. I am kinda sorta excited about it, since I never really get way way excited about anything that involves working on anything. (I admit sloth is my thing.) So we discussed it last night at Olive Garden and I had tea so I can't even blame it on alcohol, so I must be really wanting to do it. I am hoping that this will get me back into my writing grooves again.

I am still preparing for a stressful life changing family situation that was bothering me over a month ago, and I am taking it well...well for me. I am not sleeping well though and I really don't know how to keep entirely relaxed. The good side of it is I am leaning more on God and other people have been really wonderful to me as well, the bad side of it is ...well the whole stress and insomnia thing and of course waiting.

We got all of our shopping done (Well maybe a little more) and next week we are doing our three house holiday tour.

Thank you for reading, thanks for being patient with me, and I will have to see how many blogs I am totally behind on...so I am preparing to wince. Talk to you soon.

J.T.

Thanksgiving...the day after report

2007-11-23T12:56:00.001-06:00

This time of year (At least in the United States) people generally get together with friends and family and cook up more food than they can possibly eat and have enough left overs that people will never eat turkey again for about a year. That is Thanksgiving.
I won't bore you with the origins of Thanksgiving but I will try to remember the meaning of it.
We generally have so many blessings and good things that we tend to not even think about (Unless one of them is gone.) Thanksgiving is a single day out of 365 other days that we spend with our family and share a meal and hopefully remember all those good things.
So I feel like writing this sappy post and sharing with you somethings I am thankful for.

1. My God (and my relationship with him.) I don't know how I would have survived many of the things the last few years without him. He comforts, provides, cares, and shows his love for me even when I don't see it right away.

2. My wife, Bella. She helps complete me, and she is frequently strong when I feel weak and vice versa. She gives me a reason to come home at a decent hour, listens to me whine all the time, and does more than I can fit on this post really...save it for Valentines day.

3. My Friends and Family A few years ago I didn't think I had so many of you, but now when I look at my email and phone list I realize I just was not paying attention. People have been wonderful to us and have helped keep us strong through the trials. A special mention to Rob who will drive through snow to join me for a talk and a beer at 9:30 at night. He reads this but doesn't say much...so say hi to Rob guys.

4. A roof over my head I would have said a warm home, but I am glad my house isn't a burnt pile of cinders. Having a fire, even a little fire, is great for realizing what you have.

5. My work. I complain and joke about it here, but I am grateful for my job and my other work. It gives me a bit more meaning and purpose throughout my day, and yes getting paid is good as well.

I could make this list more complete or longer, but this is a post not a novel. Thanks for all these things and thanks for you for reading Return of the Janus.

Scary stuff to think about....

2007-11-21T13:41:00.000-06:00

I missed the Halloween boat by about a month due to the other stuff going on, and now it is approaching Thanksgiving. So in true Janus fashion I am going to talk about something completely irrelevant today.
This list could be much longer but I am just going to give you a top 5 things that scares me list. We can't do 10, the writer's strike won't allow it.
1. For every bad tv show or movies out there, at least 10 other ideas were considered and rejected. I don't know if you have been watching a lot of TV, but that scares me to death. Knowing I am watching "The best"makes me really appreciate reading much more. This isn't just ABC and CBS either, people reject shows for Court TV, Bravo, and Animal Planet. Got goosebumps yet?

2. Those creepy geese. I look out my window or drive by a giant field and I just see tons of geese sitting around looking like they are planning something. What if they don't go south, what if they decide to invade instead? You can't even shoot them because of the law against harming migrating birds...that means we are defenseless!

3. We still have people that think reality TV and professional wrestling is real. This week on Hulk Simmons, the Hulkster's son says funny things about his dad and his daughter wants to date someone and hilarity ensues as Hulk and his entire camera crew dress up as giant gorillas and spies on them at their date at the zoo. Get this, Hulk gets caught! I can't believe I just said "Hilarity ensues", blame Bramlett for that.

4. People still watch home videos shows and laugh at spitting up babies and guys that get hit in the crotch with tools. Perhaps if they used the tools a few years ago we could have avoided some of the baby videos.

5. I am in the top 20% of the wealthiest people in the world. I am talking about my job here, not my wife and my combined income here. My job is just skirting minimum wage. Considering that some people in the world make less in a year than I do in an hour is just scary to me.

Janus wants a raise really bad

2007-11-20T08:32:00.000-06:00

Ok the waiting was bad enough, and not getting a full night of sleep is slowing me down pretty bad, and the stress is killing me at the moment. All this I can live with.
However, Dancing With The Stars is about where I draw the line. At the risk at offending some of my readers (maybe one or two?) and incurring the wrath of the most powerful person in this country (Oprah), I will state it here.
I despise Dancing With The Stars
I am not that fond of dancing without the stars either, but make it a contest and I want to drink at work.
Yes, I have it on at work. When you take care of the elderly that happens, you watch what they watch. If they want to watch Court TV because they can't get enough of OJ and missing people, thats what you watch. If they want to watch Maury and his lie detector and paternity tests every day that is what you watch. Dancing with the Stars though...ughh.
You may wonder why I don't just tune it out, that is because my client feels the need to talk to me about what he is watching. Did you see that Janus? They are going to get a "10" I know it! That fast paced stuff...that isn't really dancing..dancing is when a man and a woman are in love and....
Yeah you get the idea.
Baseball season is over so I can stop hearing about how no one can throw a curveball anymore, and we have moved on to the "That isn't really dancing rant..." Unlike baseball I don't give a crap about dancing at all so I can't even pretend to care. But alas my job requires me to do my best.
I really need to go to college again and become a doctor or something. Then I can avoid watching television and if I have to watch it with a patient I am at least making more to do it.

The waiting game.

2007-11-15T08:30:00.001-06:00

It seems like when I want things to hurry up, things slam on the breaks and when I need more time that things tend to floor it like a Nascar race.
I am a patient person for the most part, but not that patient.
Things seem a bit hypocritical when I caution others to be patient and I am just as restless as they are. Perhaps even more so. Fortunately cooler heads are running the show for me for the most part so while I can't totally relax...I can know things are under control.
All I can do is wait and I hate that.
All I can do is trust God to make sure things are under control, and while I don't hate the fact that he has it under control I wish he would send me a letter and tell me what's going on.
I wish I felt like everything would be ok as much as I tell everyone else it will be.
Hurry up and wait....hurry up and wait....ack.

At Home but not settled.

2007-11-13T08:24:00.000-06:00

It took 9 days of being in the hotel before I could go home. That is a lot of fast food, that is a lot of channel surfing out of boredom. It is good to be home.
Tuesday of last week an urgent letter was sent to me. Friday, the day before I went home it was followed up by some phone calls. Things are amiss from my past again.
I have been on an emotional roller coaster since Tuesday and I have been talking to people that I have not heard from in five years and healing some old wounds.
We have had many laughs and we have had some tears. The past few years have had some pain for me, but I heard some news that broke my heart and fired my temper up to the point that I couldn't even talk.
I can't exactly fill in the details here (If you can't tell.) Though it looks like I might have to depart again soon and prepare for a gruelling battle in which the past must be dealt with once and for all.
I wish I could say that I was more assured with myself, though things are already so amazingly different. Keep them prayers and good thoughts coming, I am going to need it.

That's one way to get the clothes really dry.

2007-11-02T17:03:00.000-05:00

Well, I had an interesting trick or treat. My dryer caught on fire. Not that "oh look birthday candles I am going to make a wish" fire but a "call 911" fire.
So much for being at home.
I want to be the first to tell you that smoke detectors are very important. Putting batterys in them are important too. We did this and it probably saved me from inhaling more smoke. Smoke alarms are annoying and really make it hard to cook a crappy pizza in the oven or sneak a cigarette, but they can save your life and your house.
Homeowners insurance is also a great thing and made this disaster a bit bearable.
Once again I am not at home, but thanks to my insurance I am in a hotel. It has internet access but I don't have a laptop and my telepathic powers are a bit rusty. So again I am on vacation against my will. All things considered though everything is ok.
My wife is safe, my pets are safe, I am safe and most of the house is pretty damn safe.
The fire was kind enough to start in a room that we did not remodel. Insurance is having our place cleaned out from smoke and soot. The washer, dryer, floor, sink and anything else damaged by the fire is replaced or fixed good as new. So I am hanging out in the hotel when I am not working or running errands and grateful to be alive.
For those that would be worried, yes I did go to the doctor. I have an enhaler and antibiotics and will be just fine.
So bad news is I am stuck away from home again, I can't read all your blogs...281 and counting from last week or check my email, and I don't think I will want to smoke anytime soon, I just got 20 years worth of smoking a few nights ago in about 7 minutes.

So just hold on out there, I will be back soon I hope.

Janus returns to Return of the Janus again

2007-10-30T08:21:00.000-05:00

I was actually back yesterday but wasn't really freed up to announce it.

I'm home!

First the bad stuff.

They have to fix the hot water on my shower right now (Hey it makes me shower really fast), I have a few boxes to unpack (but not carry), and still waiting for the blinds we ordered so right now I feel like I am slightly in a fishbowl.

I also am sore from carrying all our crap upstairs in one day.

There got all that complaining out, now I can tell you that I am happy to be here and love my newish home. I am settling in and enjoying sleeping on my bed again. (My back missed the bed too.) Sammy and Bella are adjusting well, in fact they are sleeping away while I take my motrin and prepare for the salt mines and talk to you.

I have a facebook for my real name (as opposed to my fake name) I have no idea why anyone would want to see that but just email a request if you are that bored.

I have 281 posts to read from the last month, which shows you guys have all been busy and now I will be buried in that for a while.

Plans to revamp the blog will be coming up, let me get used to being home for a bit.

Nice to see you all again.

The I am sick of even talking about it update.

2007-10-26T08:16:00.001-05:00

House is done being worked on. It looks great, though if you ever notice, when you paint the walls and change the floors your furniture suddenly looks like crap.
I am going to be working on the house and trying to get my own computer up now, and it might take me til Wednesday. Things are good though, just slow.

This weeks silent swearing moment.

2007-10-17T12:57:00.000-05:00

Waiting for the call when things are moving.

I hate seeing the contractor's phone number showing up on the phone or a voice mail.

I like our contractor personally, just like I get along with the painter, and even my mother.

So why do I hate when they call? Because they never call me to say that things are going well.
"Hi Janus, this is your contractor, I just wanted to tell you that everything is great and I wanted to make your whole day wonderful...thanks."

Usually it is... "We came across a problem..." "We ran out of trim." "We need more paint than we thought. " "This wood needs to be replaced." "The plumber has been murdered by a group of Huns riding in on horseback from Mongolia."

Today it is, the plumber broke the part that you and your wife practically sailed across the Atlantic to find on Monday because it is so rare. We had to have the old fixtures in our place that General Lee used in the Civil War by our bad luck (The original builder must of bought them on clearance.) So we had to look all over to find a stupid part, and then it gets broken.

Why does this make me so pissed? Because we left instructions to call the store if they didn't know how to install it and a business card for the shop we got it. The store clerk says they are a bit tricky to install, and if the clerk admits that, you are in deep crap. So I left a message to the contractor to call if they needed help, and I figured if the plumber wasn't sure he would call. Stupid me to think that I could relax and not worry about it.

So if they find another part that isn't in the Museum of the Confederacy in short order I have to pray that they don't break it and that I will get back into my house before New Years.

Excuse me now while I find something to smash with a hammer.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

One week to go....hopefully.

2007-10-15T23:37:00.000-05:00

Well it looks like they are wrapping up on my place and soon I will get out of base camp. I missed blogging, I missed me time, I missed you guys.

So here is whats coming up.

1) Finishing my bathroom
2) Last paint details
3) hanging fixtures and stuff.
4) Got to move all these boxes back
5) Hook up the computer
6) Read the 100 Kajillion posts I missed.

Janus vanishes again...

2007-10-02T12:46:00.001-05:00

I took time out of my busy agenda of slacking off to tell you that I will be gone and slacking off for an indefinite amount of time. My father in law returns tomorrow and might want his computers back (Go figure) and I need to read more anyway. SO that means I might not be here.

Don't be sad, it is not like I am Mr. Update lately.

I am going to be here a bit longer than planned, due to some windows taking another week to arrive and the usual logistics of painting and home renovation. Then I can start moving all those stupid boxes that I brought here back to my home again.

Pray for my sanity please.

In the meanwhile visit my links and think of me and today I am adding a blog of Andrea's to my ever changing and growing blogroll

http://thingsmothersaid.blogspot.com/

When I get back I am going to renovate the blog too, so something to look forward to.

Cultured Janus aka Janus goes to a play.

2007-09-25T08:24:00.000-05:00

Saturday and part of Sunday involved putting the last of our things in a box. Now I can finally relax a bit...well until we have to move all this crap back in. I have been living on love, take out food, and motrin for the last week. The good news is my hand stopped tingling, the bad news is now it just really hurts.
Jose and his wife came out and we decided to see a play at the CCC Yellowbox my church/coffee shop/special events center of things.
The play was called "Our Town" which was a play about the life about folks in a small town through a generation from childhood, marriage, and death. It is much easier to watch than it is for me to describe.
I realized that I had seen this play before back in the city where I used to live near. I realized though that the play I saw at Sunday seemed to be more enjoyable and more well acted. Perhaps it is my faulty memory or perhaps it is because I know some of the actors, but the play was really something special to me and seemed better this time around.
It had a somewhat sad ending and Jose whispered to me "I want to cry, this is really good."
After it was done we had to console ourselves with some all you can eat Mongolian stir fry. I had my usually 30 pounds of meat and a carrot mix, while everyone else ate more healthy. Then we were full and quite consoled or something like that.
I need to go to plays more often, it was great. For a few hours I was able to forget my back and enjoy myself. It was just plain great.

Intimacy with God

2007-09-23T22:13:00.001-05:00

As I said earlier you not only to bond and be close to other people but you need to do the same with God.

This is for the same reason you need intimacy with other people, you were made that way.

Blaise Pascal (a famous French dude) said (paraphrasing here) that we have a God shaped hole in the heart of every person. This is tough for some people people to believe but I have learned through my own experience that it is true.

Everyone tries to find a "god" to fill this hole. Some try the gods (or idols really) of money, fame, power, sex, drugs, material things, and even the god called noble causes. They will find though that no matter what they do or get they never truly satisfied by these things/

Success on your own will never be enough.

Now I am going to use my brother Ed again as an example. Ed is the most successful person I know (materially at least), which is why I use him a lot as an example. He is a hard worker and he earned his success honestly and I am proud of him for that.

Though he is successful though he is always feeling empty and hopes that his next achievement will give him the satisfaction he seeks. He does something even better the next time around..and the next. At the end of the day though he feels no closer than when he started.

So how big is a God shaped hole you ask?

Well God is infinitely larger than we can imagine. So I am going to give you a totally inadequete illustration to try to give you a visual. (Cue imagination music.)

On the top of this post you see a picture of the Grand Canyon. The Grand Canyon is 277 miles long, 4-18 miles across (depending on where you are), and attains a depth of more than a mile. (For my metric readers that is 446 kilometers long, 6.4 to 24 kilometers wide, and 1.6 kilometers deep.) That is a pretty big canyon no matter who you ask.

I have visited this canyon three times in my life. On a business trip, on my honeymoon, and when my mom was 6 months pregnant with me (my view was obscured on that one.) I can tell you from experience that no picture can ever truly show you the Canyon. It is too large to fathom in a photograph.

Now, back to my example of filling a God shaped hole. Let us imagine filling the Grand Canyon with a gallon jug of kitty litter until it is full. Not counting the cost of kitty litter, gasoline, and chiropractor bills it is very much insane to imagine. Now imagine a God that is so huge that the Canyon is no more than a puny puddle on the ground.

Do you think another Mercedes would fill it? That is the futility of trying to fill your own needs.

My wife is wonderful and I have some great friends, but I know God is the only one that can fill that God shaped hole in me. No one else can fill it, and it isn't reasonable to even ask them to try. This is a hole that we all have. So how do you fill it?

You ask him to fill it, but be warned if you mean it he will answer. He is love and he is huge and sometimes that will scare you.

Good news is he loves you anyway so save yourself some time and a lot of kitty litter and ask without fear.

I asked and I can't imagine going back.

Intermission post- This topic is affecting me funny

2007-09-22T12:07:00.001-05:00

I noticed I have said fishy a few times in the last few days, and it is becoming a little scary.

Later on I am going to finish the intimacy thing off, and not a moment too soon. This post is a bit too soft for me not to mention it is hard to laugh at.

I need to change topics before I become the John Tesh Blog or something.

ACK

A few little tidbits to help you get closer to people.

2007-09-22T01:05:00.000-05:00

Well I promised I would talk up some about forming better bonds and connecting and all that the other day so I figured why not. Sure I have no formal education in this field but I figure if I bulge my eyes and talk to you slow and loud that I can pretend to be Dr. Phil or something.
So why not.
First off I want to point out that I hate the words bonds and connecting, it sounds too much like a shrink. So we will just call it "Getting to know non-terrible people better" or something odd like that.
Second of all while I am not writing this from a book, you have probably heard most if not all of these from someone before. Sorry I don't have anything secret and certain to work, if I did I would probably sell it, make money, not go to work anymore and just bang on the drum all day.

Here are the Non-Terrible people get to knower thingees.

To have a friend you must be a friend. Repeat after me. Duh. Everyone has heard this one, I think they have been saying it since as long as people have been around. But it is true, you can't expect someone to embrace your friendship if you aren't putting effort into it. It is work and sometimes very hard work.
Don't just pretend to care about someone, try to actually do it. Easier said than done, but when you really do care I think people can tell. When you are pretending I think they can tell too.
No one can make friends for you but you. People can introduce you to other people, you might get invited to a social activity, your parents might want you to date the nice girl that they met. Ultimately though you have to make the move and you have to feel the chemistry and all that stuff. No one else can do it for you. You can be lead to water but no one can make you drink. Yeah you got it lets move on.

New friendships involve risk. Really anything worthwhile and long term involves some sort of risk and making friends is no exception. It is like asking for a date in someways. What are you doing tomorrow? Would you like to grab a coffee? Yes they can maybe say no or take a raincheck but at least ask if you want to hang out. People don't normally sit around going,"Hey that guy standing around like he wants to ask me something...he might want to go for coffee!" People don't respond to telepathy. Take a chance and talk.

Patience and Time. Great friendships don't happen instantly. You might have a good talk right away and feel like good friends, but lets get real. It takes time for these things to mature. Friendships are made of being a good friend and having someone be a good friend to you and doing that for a while. You have to be consistent and build up that trust and closeness, just have to let things roll. Anything worth a crap isn't normally quick.

Be Honest I don't mean that you have to tell every embarrassing thing you ever did to your friend, in fact I am sure he is better off not knowing about a lot of that stuff. You do have to be honest though since any type of relationship you can have in life tends to go bad for you and the people around you when it is built on a lie. Delusions are not the way to makes friends and it is not good for yourself either. Reality bites but fantasy doesn't even exist. Start out on the right foot, keep it real.

Buy a round once in a while. This refers to paying for activities, not just going to bars. It is ok if someone wants to buy you dinner once in a while but it is important to also contribute and even treat your friend. It keeps things mutual and it keeps you from the temptation of the leech persona. You have to have give or take to make things work, so be sure to pull your weight.

Remember the cardinal rules of compromise. When it comes to a disagreement or difference of opinion (which inevitably will happen) if it is not too important, agree to disagree. If it is important than sit down and work it out. Learn how to tell the difference between important and not important opinions. Be diplomatic.

Be wary of anyone that leads you away from other people. A friend will understand that you have other friends and will not normally get upset about that. Some folks have met the Stalker/Co Dependant type that insists on having your undivided attention. Don't exclude the other friends because you met a new one. If your new friend insists on being the only person in your life it is unhealthy and fishy to say the least. Don't allow anyone to have this much control over your life.

Be Safe I don't need to remind you that we got some crazy people out there and that for a friend like a potential date you just have to be mindful of the risks. Get to know people slowly and keep it to a public place until they have proven to be worthy of trust. Can never be too careful.

Well hope something out of this is of any help to someone. I am off to dreamland.

Janus is tired (and possibly in need of medical attention)

2007-09-20T23:34:00.000-05:00

Need Sleep...up late last night moving boxes. Sick of boxes.

(Sleep murmurs) Making dinner for Bella, then off to sleep.

I have felt numbness in my hands and my finger tips feel like I am falling asleep. Bella has told me that it is probably a pinched nerve and I got an appointment Saturday. I decided to be on the safe side I decided to enter my symptoms onto the search engine

tingling
slight discoloration

the official verdict is "Snake Bite"

Thank you internet, if it wasn't for Google I wouldn't realize that a snake bit me or something and I am slowly dying. I don't know when it bit me, it might of been when I was moving the waffle iron into a packing box. (Copperheads like waffles.) I might of got bit when I was pulling jammed paper out of the copier today since Tray 4 is the favorite hiding spot of the Green Mamba in which case I should be dead alrea...

Get to know who is who around you

2007-09-19T10:44:00.000-05:00

So the other day I said we need intimacy because we are made that way. Later on I will talk how to hopefully grow a bit with that one. I realize that the longer I start writing this the more stuff I think of to say, and since I don't have a podcast or 20 minutes to talk I have been trying to cut pieces here and there.
Today I wanted to introduce you to the types of people. This isn't from any book I know so pardon me while I just kind of make this up. Even if it isn't in any book that I have read there are types of people out there. Before you can look at who is good to be more intimate with and who you should not you need to get to know deeply, examine these types and learn which ones the people around you fit into.

The enemy. I don't think you need me to really explain this one too much. An enemy not only doesn't like you but does what they can to make your life miserable. The difference between the enemy and the others is intention. You hopefully will not have too many of these in your life, but an enemy isn't an accidental case. It is intentional.
So you pray for your enemies, and you love them for being broken human beings. You don't go out of your way to bond or confide in them though for obvious reasons.

The Rival. The rival is a much higher step from enemy really. While the enemy is trying to destroy you just for destroying sake, the rival isn't so personal about things. The rival is only an enemy in a specific area. Like football, a lady (or man), or a different school. More times than not after the event that makes you rivals passes the rival can become a buddy or friend, because you have the same interests (Which is why you are rivals in the first place.)

The Co-dependent/Stalker Co-dependent is not always a stalker and vice versa, but they often come to the same conclusion. Some people out there with low self esteem or who are particularly delusional form this bond with people. This person molds and shapes their life and efforts around you. If you are a leech/opportunist this makes them easy prey for a while and you can really ride the gravy train on this one, if you are a kinder soul you will tend to downplay or ignore this person. Regardless of your approach though, always treat this person with caution.
When the game is over, and eventually it will always get to that point. This person usually feels betrayed or used, and you might not even have done anything to them per say. This person is not based on reality and if they suddenly feel betrayed they can either become suicidal and/or depressed or they can become an enemy. Tread lightly around this one.
Don't encourage this falsehood, but be careful.

The opportunist/leech Most of us have been this to someone at least once in our life. These are ones you avoid like the plague, their kindness and friendliness towards you is for mercenary reasons. Sometimes they don't realize it but usually they do. These are the ones that are wanting to borrow money (and never pay it back) or accept gifts from the stalker/codependant types all knowing that they are taking advantage of the weaknesses of others. In many ways this type is the worst, because with enemies and rivals you normally know where you stand.
Tread lightly around this one as well, because as people wise up to the leech and he or she starts to have people and material benefits withdraw one by one this person can easily shift into an enemy too or become dangerous. You don't enable them but don't turn your back on them either. A desperate leech is the most common type of resident in prisons.
Some careers actually exist based on the leech persona so be careful, the majority of hard sell salesman, strippers, prostitutes and other professions that involve using wiles and trying to get as much as one can with the least amount of effort on their part tend to gravitate to this persona.
Needless to say I don't really recommend you pursue this type of persona. In the long run it is only going to bring you down.

The Acquaintance Simply put these are the majority of the people in the world. They are people you don't really know and you might say hello to. You might even know their name and they might know yours but this does not make you anything more. Eventually if you get to know someone they may remain this way by mutual assent, or they (or you) will gravitate to the other roles. Use good judgment with anyone that you don't know that well.

The buddy This is a person that you get along with that happens to share common interests (or a common direction) with you. We have heard of bar-buddies, drinking buddies, travel buddies, internet buddies, and so on. You may or may not even know the name of your buddy.
a buddy is much like a friend in many ways. You can talk for hours about things (usually your common interests) and you can hang out on occasion. It is a mutual partnership of convenience for someone doing the same activity or going the same direction.
Where the buddy fails to be a friend is in the area of inconvenience. You might be a great guy to hang out with but he isn't going to ask you over for a BBQ for certain. If you have a problem the buddy generally doesn't want to be a part of it and may become uncomfortable or even annoyed with you for trying to involve them. When the going gets tough the buddy usually gets going. Having buddies isn't a bad thing, but know where you stand.

The Friend Finally we have the friend, this is usually a buddy or acquaintance that has earned this distinction through time spent together and forming bonds. The Friend is not always going to be there when you need them either, because they do have their own life. When it comes down to the important stuff and when you really truly are against a wall the friend will do everything they can do to help you deal with it.
A friend remains a friend much like a wedding vow, in sickness and health, richer or poorer...all that sort of thing. A fair-weather friend is actually a buddy. a true friend is all season and even when it is not easy. A friend will also tell you when you are wrong and being stupid.
Sometimes you may prefer a buddy to a friend when you are wanting to do things your own way or live in denial, but a friend is ultimately the only one that can help you past this stage. Ultimately with friends it has to be mutual, give and take. if you are not on the same page, eventually it will fall apart and go to one of the other categories.

Now talking about God a little today, in the bible Jesus says he is your friend. Many people say Jesus is my friend which is true, but how many people can say they are the same for him? Chew on that one for a while. Think deeply about the people in your life and think to yourself. "Self, what is my real relation with these people and what is their real relation with me."
It is scary but ultimately worth it. Next time I will write about some very basic things about how to improve those bonds (that should be improved) and things you can do to grow in your healthy relationships and friendships

Janus on the road again

2007-09-18T13:26:00.000-05:00

Sorry to keep you waiting. I have a lot of moving to do in the next two days so the contractor can work and also have meetings so keep checking I hope to send more updates very soon, but didn't want to leave you in suspense. Somedays I can write at work, somedays I can't these days.

Until then check out my links, they got some interesting stuff going on everywhere but with me.

Also for those on my yahoo messenger that have been w0ndering why I have been so antisocial my father in law's computer doesn't have a messenger on it (at least this one) so emails, phone calls, and notes stuck on my door with a dagger will have to do for now.

See ya sooner or later, hopefully sooner.

An Introduction to the need of intimacy

2007-09-17T15:00:00.000-05:00

Before we go too far here, I just want to give you the definition of the key word in this post "Intimacy." My 40 year old Websters dictionary at work says "The state of being intimate" (I really do hate it when they do that in the dictionary.) and "Sexual relations" is definition two.
It may surprise you though to know that it also means "Innermost, familiar, closely related, close, and closeness."
It is this definition that we are talking about the next few days. It is important for you to know what I mean. When I ask if you are intimate with people, I am referring to closeness and bonding. If your Grandma Edna asks if you are intimate with your new girlfriend...well you better check to see which definition she is using.
As humans we are made for intimacy with other people. We are a package set and not like a fork and knife, more like chopsticks. You can eat without a knife but try just using one chopstick. (In my case try using chopsticks at all, I need the cheater ones.)
In Genesis, God says "It is not good for man to be alone." He is saying this before he saw that I wouldn't eat properly, cut my hair, turn off the Playstation, and shave for days without Bella stopping my madness. He is referring to humans in general. We are really made to be close to others as well as God.
While Hollywood and motivational speakers may tell you that it is wrong to "need" other people this is not true. We are designed that way as social creatures.
Yes it is wrong to be extremely dependent as much as it is to be a crazed loner. We all need times to be ourselves and alone but do not forget that you need time with others and relationships.
People who don't understand the need to connect intimately with others tend to look for intimacy in unhealthy ways. The girl (or guy) that sleeps around because they aren't satisfied being alone and want to feel connected, the teenage girl who wants a baby to have someone love her, the husband (or wife) seeking gratification from another person. They all find pseudo-intimacy and eventually realize that it does not sate or fill any desires but in fact normally leaves someone with more problems than when they started.
We'll talk a little about healthy connections later.
Isolation is not a good thing or the answer. They put people in solitary confinement to punish them, you tend to hear about sociopath loners a good deal more often than loving socially adjusted ax-murderers. If you are away from people long enough you start talking to Wilson the Volleyball.
You get the point.
Connecting with other people isn't an option, it is a requirement. Even if being a loner looks neat in Clint Eastwood movies.

Moving Mania and Running Video

2007-09-16T23:40:00.001-05:00

I hate moving.
I think it is even worse when it is only temporary. That means all these oodles of boxes and crap are going to have to be put right back into our house when it is done.
Second floor is great if you don't want to be flooded but a nightmare when you have to carry stuff down the stairs. I am livin' on Motrin.
You never realize how much crap you have until you have to move it.
It will be better soon, I hope and pray.

Did video for the High School services today, and that went better. The more I do it the easier it seems to be, though I like to keep some pressure so I can be motivated to pay attention. I think I am beginning to figure it out, but still not at the point where I don't frantically make sure that Eric is within shouting distance if I suddenly blow something up. Good thing the teachers are pretty patient, if it was my coworker James he would of swore at everyone and did it himself.

I was fun and some folks came up to me and said "Good job" Which is nice and embarrassing at the same time. I just say Thank you very much and don't say that about anyone with use of their hands could probably do the same or better. Maybe I have something natural that I bring to work that I don't know about, I don't see anything though.

So sorry to not give a more exciting update, but I am sleepy and I have to work a double tomorrow. See ya soon

The year recap/Janus Clip show

2007-09-14T23:43:00.000-05:00

Wow has it been a year? It really has? Over a year in fact and I was so lazy and busy (Sometimes both at the same time) I wasn't even aware that a year has passed. Let us recap a little.
I ranted a lot about nothing
I gave lots of loving advice to my sister's kids
I apparently have mellowed out a bit (a remark from someone reading my older posts)
Rob and I went out for beer a couple times
I explained how to say "Janus Torrell" a few times and gave up trying.
I still occasionally meet someone that thinks my parents are cruel enough to really name me Janus Torrell.
I became wealthy and influential
I got a real job (1 year anniversary in October)
I got engaged and married to Bella
I killed over an acre of trees printing programs on Thursdays
My friends Troy and Janet moved to Kansas City
People I don't even know yet call me by my real name, that is amazing to me still that people actually know who I am.
I got rid of my van, was given a car, lost it.
I got a Buick that makes me look twenty years older.
I went back to school
We are remodeling the house
I met a lot of amazing people online and in person.

To another year folks, thanks for your visiting and support.

Janus at base camp

2007-09-13T01:01:00.000-05:00

Well for those wondering what is going on, I am at my Father in Laws house. My first night we were in a guest bedroom with a bed that looked a lot bigger when you are not in it. Add Bella and add three little dogs that don't want to be alone and you got about as much stretching space as that wooden coffin in Kill Bill Volume 2. (A Janus blog first, one of my long rants citing a Quentin Tarentino film.)
Yesterday morning I woke up feeling like I got beat up by 88 ruthless warriors (Sorry that is Volume 1.) So I went to my 2nd Chiropractor/Massage appointment. I was meaning to tell you about the first one. My Chiropractor is a little Russian lady who is very strong, she is one you want on your side if you got in one of those World Cup riots I read about. She helped me a lot, but I still feel really really sore.
Anyway I got off topic...We are still moving our crap. 8 boxes or so at a time before they start the big remodel job, and I can't wait til it is all done. The animals are a little overwhelmed and the cat is meowing trying to figure out where she is. I can relate.
It was spiffy for my Father in law to offer us use of the house, but I don't quite feel at home really. Since when I say I am at "Home" I don't want to confuse people with my real house and my house for the month I just call it "Base Camp." I miss home, even with my gross carpet that we are tearing out and my totally groovy old blue trim cabinets.
Today I went in to refill my pills with the doctor and she asked me about my anxiety after about 2 minutes she wrote me a perscription for anti-anxiety drugs.... I guess I am feeling a little stressed.
Well I got to go to bed and work in the morning...at least it is at the same place and I don't have to pack boxes.

Can't I just read a book anymore?

2007-09-07T16:17:00.000-05:00

So I went for lunch at Rob's today and we had a good talk and read Mr Lewis.

After that I had a few hours before work so I decided I would go to the library and read some classical literature stuff. Milton's "Paradise Lost." It is not a bad read if you like really long and pious poems...it is creative but I wouldn't base my whole understanding of the history of the universe on it really. This is one of those books that I read in High school and I still don't really like it that much.
Some guy with his three kids came into the library and I couldn't get into the book even if I wanted to. Now I am not the meanest old geezer in the library but if you are going to take your kids into the library at least pretend to pay attention to them. This guy is checking his email while his kids are running around and screaming at each other and one of them even jumped up on the table I was reading on.
The law prohibits me from beating other people's children. The librarians just kept working business as usual.
What happened in the last twenty years? My parents weren't the toughest parents in the world with me and I could be a little loud (still can be,) but really if I did that stuff that those kids did back then- my mom would of dragged me out to the car and later that night my father would spank, yell, and ground the everlovin' crap out of me. Librarians also used to tell you to be quiet and you used to be terrified of the crusty old lady with the wierd hairy thing growing on her nose.
Well with their dad not doing anything and the librarians too busy pretending to be deaf I had enough. I gave the kid my most irritated forehead scrunch and bit my teeth together which I do when I am thinking but everyone assumes I am mad when I do that. Watched him back up and suddenly shut up and run to another section of the library.
I went upstairs then and looked around and saw all the kids books. I wish I grew up in a town like this when I was little because I would have loved to read all of the books. I also want to write a kids book someday (someday...sigh) so I always like to see what's popular. I hadn't even walked into the room when a librarian walked up to me and asked me if I needed help.
"Just looking around, thanks," I said with a smile.
"Adult fiction and reference are downstairs," she said not returning a smile and a tone I did not care for, "The elevator and stairs are back that way."
I realized that I am a 30 year old man with no children with him and that the librarian probably was concerned about that. Apparently I look dangerous or in need of help because she kept staring at me until I backed away from the best seller kids fiction display rack. I didn't say anything or do anything threatening but I was getting irritated with everyone in general in that library today.
So I went to Internet Cafe at the Yellow Box at the church building, where I could have a tea, write a blog to complain about the library, no children were running around while parents ignored the little beasts, and people don't follow me around expecting me to steal something or kidnap children.
Thank goodness for the Ground Level Cafe....iced tea fixes everything.

Janus FAQs Prt 2

2007-09-06T23:39:00.000-05:00

1. Why are you not updating very much? Well doing a lot of doubles again, getting ready to move (for a month), and this Playstation isn't going to play itself

2. Ok what game are you playing when you should be working? Castlevania SOTN, it's a bit addictive.

3. When will you write a real addition to your blog? Probably Friday night or Saturday

4. How is the writing going? Very slowly, but going.

5. What is the story with this remodeling? Bella and I are having the house fixed up a bit for our enjoyment and also to improve the value so we can sell it and move into another house someday. We are 1) Having all the rooms painted, 2) Redoing all the floors, 3) New doors and windows, 4) Getting rid of the old crappy bathroom walls and ceiling and replacing with some tile. It will be like a new house. Next step is cabinets for kitchen, we shall see.

6. Where are you going to be during this remodeling? At my Father in Laws, he is out of town.

Happy Labor day

2007-09-03T11:58:00.001-05:00

Today is Labor Day so I am going to celebrate it by working on packing everything I can in the house. Government workers and labor union folks celebrate the day called Labor day by not doing any, and much of the rest of the land is doing home improvement projects.
We have a lot of people coming according to my last phone call to help us move, which is good because I am hurting alot and all the trips down the stairs is going to hurt. All the help would be great.
From my regulars Jose and his family is coming, Karl and his daughter were coming but his little one is not feeling well. I have no idea who my wife all invited.

Gone for the weekend...

2007-08-31T23:37:00.000-05:00

I will be back on Wednesday Bloggerland, I am doing errands this weekend and having house guests as we get ready for the big remodelling.

Take care and see ya soon.

Janus Question answering update.

2007-08-30T23:48:00.000-05:00

My latest offlines and emails answered here.

1. Did you get your mouth guard? Yes, I haven't been able to breath at night though due to my cold so I need to use it more. I used it for 2 days and bam, got the cold. So I am waiting to stop coughing before I really try it again. I am an air addict.

2. Did Jose move in his new place? Yes, Jose and his wife and baby boy moved into an apartment about 40 minutes away from here. Which is half the distance he used to be. We haven't had time to get together yet because he works about 4 jobs even when I don't have him doing stuff for me.

3. How is Manuel doing? He is actually doing pretty good all things considered. He is working on getting his crap together, and doing well at it. He appreciates the concern for his well being too. (Well he said "Tell them thanks for askin'" He doesn't normally say well being.)

4. How is Karl doing? About the same, keep them prayers coming.

More to come.

The joys of house owning...

2007-08-27T15:52:00.000-05:00

Today I went to the county office and got the final paperwork needed for Ed's company and sent it via Fed Ex. Paperwork stinks, but hey it is what makes the world go around.
Tomorrow I am working the evening, and tomorrow I am doing a double on Tuesday (for the first time in quite a while), Tomorrow afternoon I am going to have lunch with my wife and look at crap for the house remodelling. Partly fun, but I have no attention span at times. Truth is my wife is much better at picking stuff out and I am there more for emotional support. I really know nothing about home furnishings, but I will be happy to help her pick things out if say we were getting a computer or something.
Anyway should be back Wednesday for a bit.

Janus returns yet again

2007-08-26T23:13:00.000-05:00

Today was the first full day where I didn't have the nasty cough. I still have a little cough once in a while but I am back in the saddle again. Hope you all didn't forget about me.
So lemme see, updates updates updates.

Our house is getting remodelled. For people that were wondering about the offhand remodeling remark I made a few days ago. We are ripping out the carpet, having the place painted, bathroom being redone...all that sort of stuff. My father in law is out of the country for a while soon, so we are staying at his place for a month. This will allow us to function without contractors getting in the way of our normal life and we won't be in their way. In a month or so, God willing, things will be back to normal after it starts.
Don't worry I will still be blogging, I am not dying or something.

Today was my third time running video for church, and my first time on my own. Eric was nice enough to set me up so I didn't freak out and mess things up too badly. I don't relax though when I do video, but I figure that is a good thing, it keeps me alert. Er...practice will make better I am sure.

My wife and a few friends have been telling me I need to get a facebook page or something, I am considering it. I can barely keep up with the blog with my busy scheduale of ...um...playing Playstation and sleeping. Besides I am always slow for change, if it wasn't for my friend Andrea, I wouldn't even be blogging yet.

Perhaps I will who knows. Anyway it is good to be back.

Janus health and Sunny

2007-08-22T22:30:00.001-05:00

I am still getting over the Cold, I now officially have more drugs in my daily dosage than my Grandmother did, and considering the pharmacist used to send her a Christmas card each year because he paid for his kids college bills, that is pretty bad.

I have an antibiotic, two types of cough syrup...one for the day, and one for the night with a little knock out to it. (Both of which taste like crap), an enhaler, nose spray plus all my other medicine that I already take. My doctor doesn't believe in killing the cold, he wants to annihilate it.

A good bit of news, Sunny my Father in law's dog is still with us, in fact she rallied and is looking great. Thanks for the prayers and well wishes for Sunny because they worked.

Got work in the morning, so night

Keep your eye on the wheel.

2007-08-22T12:12:00.000-05:00

These are pretty much things that come up once in a while that have been irritating me but something else has always come up that is more important. Well today I am going to rant about the unimportant stuff so I can get it out of my notebooks.

A while back we had that crash with two helicopter flying news reporters who were following a guy running from the police.

I think the deaths were tragic and I don't want to really make it sound like I am making fun of these people but I have to say this.

What the hell were they thinking of doing reporting and trying to fly a helicopter at the same time!? Multitasking is a leading killer in car crashes. Text messaging, yacking on the cell phone, changing your radio station...driving is crazy enough without doing something else that distracts you from the 99 year old mummy in the Buick that pulls out in front of you.

Now lets talk about helicopters. When you hear about people dying in wars on the news the leading cause of death besides ambushes is helicopter crashes. Helicopters may be able to hover and land in smaller spaces, but they have a very low margin of error. If you have problem with your oil pressure you can't just pull the helicopter over on the nearest cloud and call a tow truck.

So back to my original rant. When you fly a helicopter you should be totally focused on flying and what is going on around you. Would it be too unreasonable to have a pilot and a reporter that flies with a cameraman. That way the pilot can navigate, use the flight instruments, avoid power lines and the occasional news helicopter? I know that would mean having to pay someone else to ride in the helicopter, but is that really so much to ask?

You can do this 9 out of 10 times and not have any trouble, but it is the 1 out of 10 that you have to be ready for.

Then to make matters worse, we have people wanting to sue the guy running from the police because these guys were so busy trying to get this chase on the news they crashed into each other. Now even if this guy did steal a car or what not I find that very stupid and unfair.

It is one thing if he rammed them with his car or shot at them, but if we are all going to be sued by people that get in accidents from watching other drivers or rubbernecking at accidents... I just find it a tad petty and where do we draw the line for responsibility. Instead of looking to sue someone we should see what we can do to prevent future crashes.

Keep it real people.

Early Birthday gift to my brother Ed,

2007-08-17T21:54:00.000-05:00

I can't use my voice.
Stupid cold.

Yesterday was sneezing and a little fever. Today I am feeling better other than my throat feeling like I ate some broken glass and I think I coughed my lung up around 3 this afternoon.

Well I can at least type, but I am tired and don't have anything to say. Bella is off this weekend, so I might be back Monday or earlier.

Take care blogland.

Reality Check (Fighting addictions)

2007-08-15T23:14:00.001-05:00

Well the 12 step program and the big idea can go through it better than I can but I will give you a little education on the addictions unit "Hooked." Actually you probably know all this stuff but I will remind you about it, since we all tend to forget this stuff. Usually on purpose.
Change is rough and habits can be terrible. I am sure you knew that already too.
Most of us if not all of us have some sort of addiction. Workaholics, Alcoholics, Chataholics, Videogame addicts (quit looking at me like that), Blogaholics, Caffeine addicts..etc. If this doesn't apply to you, sorry in advance, but if it does I hope this can help.
I know I have a couple.
Some addictions are socially acceptable in many cases like addiction to blogging, and some are a bit harder for people to understand and some are well concealed and cause silent anguish while others are so obvious that even the addict has a problem denying it.
The point is that addiction is a parasite, it takes away from you, while usually giving you a short term fulfillment. After that high is gone, you feel worse and more empty than before. Sometimes they are nice and subtle and you don't realize how deep you are into it until it is silently and sometimes loudly wrecking the world around you.
Karl didn't wake up one day with a hangover and boom he was an alcoholic. It started with a beer...and another beer. It snuck up behind him and he didn't realize what was going on until he was already on the floor and being pinned.
So what is holding you down, what is influencing you more than you ever thought it would and is killing you from the inside.
You may say "Janus I am fine, I don't got any bad habits...it's all under control, I can stop them whenever I want to."
Yeah so can I. Now let me tell you another one. The first thing you have to do is own up to your addiction. Closing your eyes and hiding under the mattress doesn't make the monsters go away, it just deludes you into thinking your safe. I am not calling anyone a liar, but everyone should check into their own heart. Frequent scans and defrags on the soul are good for you, even if you don't like to look at it. Admit the problems.
The next thing to do when you find your addiction is to own up to it with God. Don't worry he still will love you just the same, its not like he falls for the hiding under the mattress thing. This isn't to really let God know about it...(You spent all day watching TV...why Janus I am shocked, I was so busy running the universe I didn't even notice...) This is to clear the air and come clean with God and yourself. In other words this is for you.
Next is find a trusted friend that you can tell this too. I know what you are thinking...Janus you are completely insane. I can't tell anyone about this. If you want it to stop hiding in darkness you have to bring it out. I have done this before and let me tell you it was a tremendous relief to not bury it. You will find that other people are hiding things too and you are not alone and you will also find if you have that trusted person that they will still like you and love you despite your flaws.
You can hear the actual big idea message on this at CCC (See hooked part 1), and it might be a tremendous help. I hope this helps somebody though at least...
Don't hide anymore, the mattress is beginning to stink from the sweat.

Saying goodbye to an old friend. (Again)

2007-08-15T19:37:00.000-05:00

I had something I was working on for today but I have breaking news that I have to write. I might get back to you with the second part tonight.

Sunny my father in law's pooch is dying, her condition is too painful so we are preparing to put her to sleep and end her pain. I have known Sunny since I have known Bella's parents, and we have a special bond. She likes to sit on my lap and snarls at anyone that dares try to remove her. My sister in law Lynn calls her "my girlfriend."

Tonight is my possible last chance to say goodbye to her since I am working doubles the next few days (and Saturday morning.) So I am heading off to see my girlfriend before it gets too late now that the estimates are done for the night.

I tend to bond and love animals more than my siblings and that is a blessing and a curse. I don't let go of loss very well, and I probably should learn to bond with giant sea turtles since they out live me. I am dragging my feet a little out the door, I don't know if I will be in much shape for anything by the time I get back.

When I was a kid my dad would never want to get a dog and I always thought it was because he was grumpy and mean. Only in the last few years did I hear about Barney the Golden Retriever that was his best friend from the age of 6 until just before he married my mom. He was so lost by the dog dying that he never really bonded the same with a dog ever again. Part of me thinks he wanted to spare me from that loss.

When I was about 13, I had a stray mutt that I had taken care of for just over a year. He broke out of the yard and ran out in front of car. The neighbor slammed on her brakes but the dog got hurt beyond a vets care. My dad brought the dog to the back and knew that he was suffering and beyond help. I was inside the house when he told me to stay with my mom and he went to his closet.

a few minutes later I heard the report of a rifle. my mom and I cried and held each other. Dad always knew when to let go and not to prolong suffering. He buried the dog before he came in a while later, I saw the wetness in his eyes as he came in and put the rifle away. He then gave me are reassuring pat on my shoulder and went into his room and closed the door. In the quiet house I heard my dad crying for the dog and for us.

Hearing about Sunny brings these old feelings back. When we love our pets we love them deeply, and it hurts so bad to let go.

If you never say hello...you won't have to say goodbye.

Too late for me though, I have to go now and say goodbye to my friend. Take care bloggers.

a rare photo of Janus

2007-08-14T15:15:00.000-05:00

A few people have asked me when I am ever going to put my photo up, so here it is. The trademark bad hair, half asleep eyes, the beard and 'stache, and even the really ugly shirt that I have had way too long that I should probably incinerate.
Thanks to Lorinda for the link to the Simpson thing, and thanks to my wife for taking the time to do this 2-d thing since really I am way too lazy for that.

Thats one way to try something new.

2007-08-13T11:55:00.000-05:00

I am trying to learn the video power point to help with the song and message cues at church, and I think I'm getting it down (It's just pushing the space bar pretty much once we set it up.) I get a bit more nervous with this despite being in the back of the room which is my preferred place to sit. (Janus doesn't like having people behind me, that paranoia thing.)
I am a little nervous (ok a lot nervous) of messing up something in a large way and ruining it for everyone. Click the space bar at the wrong time, and make a mistake and have about 10 guys run up and throw me out of the building and suspend me for 4 services and maybe a fine. Well I totally made that up, but it makes me nervous that I will make a public mistake and I won't have anyone around to blame it on. It wasn't me that accidentally shut off the video feed, it was the one armed man! Then everyone will say, everything was good except that guy working the video.
Have you ever wanted to do the shadow puppet thing like in Ace Ventura 2? Don't worry, I won't do that. Still it crosses your mind once in a while.
So yesterday I went in to work the video again, and I found out that I was going to help run the sound board instead. If you think the video makes me a little nervous with just a little space bar, the sound board looks like the firing mechanism of a submarine to my technophobic self. Beyond the sliders and the mute button it has a bunch of knobs that I have no idea what they do. Eric asked the man in charge of the sound board to teach me everything he could in the next 30 minutes because I was going to run it solo.
My eyes bulged and mouth hit my kneecaps.
"Just kidding Janus."
Thanks for the heart attack Eric.
When I went to do the video the first time I looked at the sound board and said, "At least I don't have to do that."
Next time I will shut up.

Jose on the move.

2007-08-11T11:20:00.000-05:00

Well a bit of good and unexpected news the other day, Mrs. Jose got a new job which was about double the pay of her old one. The new job is closer to Naperville, in fact he will be half the distance he used to be from here.
So he called and said "Hey neighbor" which made me look to see if he was outside in the parking lot. Usually he says that if he is in town and seeing if I am free to do stuff and go to Mongolian BBQ. (Jose loves all you can eat and stir fry food places.)
He let me know he was looking at places at Dekalb and trying to get near the interstate if he could so he was close to work. I can't tell you how happy I am having my left hand man (not an insult, Karl is the right) moving closer in.
So if anyone finds a great deal for rental property in Dekalb/Sycamore let me know. (They will probably look to buy a place after they are certain about Mrs. Jose getting long term tenure.)