Loving advice to a teenage niece from Uncle Janus
Dear Elley,
I've heard recently that your parents have become old and stupid and I am really sorry to hear that. It usually happens to people when their kids turn about 12 or 13 years old. I guess the strain of having smarter, better, and younger people around causes their brain to melt.
I am sworn to secrecy but I will risk the other fogeys turning me into school pudding, and tell you our secrets.
Yes, it is true, the school's vanilla pudding is made out of people that dare to tell you kids the truth. That's why all the rest of us old people lie. Because I am your uncle though, I will risk it because I love you. Soon I will be getting old like your parents and will also become a complete idiot, and don't have much time.
It is true, your parents know absolutely nothing. They didn't have boys, acne, drugs, cigarettes, video games, schools, Cosmo Magazine, teen magazines, and curfews when they were your age.
Since I have never been a teenager, but I was around when your mother was for some reason despite her being older than me, it is time that I finally told you the truth.
Your mom never dated a boy in her life. She made up all those things like her going to the prom and going to movies with boys. When your grandpa Janus Sr. met your other grandpa Janus Sr. they thought that your father would be a great match for my sister Caroline. So your grandpa sold your dad to my sister in exchange for three head of cattle and a new blender. The cattle was ate long before you were born, but the blender is still at your grandfather's house.
So since your mom never dated anyone, she doesn't know anything about boys. Since your dad and I were always at least twenty years old, we know nothing at all about teenage boys. You are probably right in assuming that the 8th grader that has had 7 girlfriends since the last semester is definitely husband material. After all he is "cute" and "kinda sweet...sometimes", and that should be the basis for your entire relationship. He was mistaken the other 7 times but this time he is in it for the long haul for sure. I think you picked a real weiner, er, I mean winner here, and be sure to tell your mom I said so.
You're also right about school being stupid and pointless. I think it is awful that your mother wants you to learn such useless things like how to read and math. You will never need that crap in the real world, trust me. You should quit school as soon as you can. College is even more of a waste of time. I stay awake late at night at times regretting not quitting college earlier when I could of spent more time pursuing work in the fast food profession or being a professional blood donor.
So as I said you should find a way to quit while you are still young and know everything. Then you can convince some old geezer that wasted his life finishing high school and maybe even college and convince him that you are dedicated, smart, and perfect for the job- despite not finishing school.
In fact all the most successful people I know these days didn't stay in school. I can introduce you to Mr. Wicke. He is a very nice homeless man that lives near the dumpster at the White Hen. He dropped out of school early to take up the career of begging for people's loose change and collecting bottles of Mad Dog.
Mr. Wicke is about two years younger than me, but he looks about fifty years older because all that knowledge and experience has made him grow faster than his time. He is the happiest man in the world, and if you ask him he will probably deny it. That's because he didn't get successful by sharing this knowledge with just anyone.
Perhaps someday if you have some time after school, I can take you to meet him. We can learn all about his great intern program.
Of course, I may not get the chance to, since the others will turn me into the pudding before long. So if you don't hear for a while, don't eat the pudding.
Your loving uncle,
Screwtape...er Janus.
I've heard recently that your parents have become old and stupid and I am really sorry to hear that. It usually happens to people when their kids turn about 12 or 13 years old. I guess the strain of having smarter, better, and younger people around causes their brain to melt.
I am sworn to secrecy but I will risk the other fogeys turning me into school pudding, and tell you our secrets.
Yes, it is true, the school's vanilla pudding is made out of people that dare to tell you kids the truth. That's why all the rest of us old people lie. Because I am your uncle though, I will risk it because I love you. Soon I will be getting old like your parents and will also become a complete idiot, and don't have much time.
It is true, your parents know absolutely nothing. They didn't have boys, acne, drugs, cigarettes, video games, schools, Cosmo Magazine, teen magazines, and curfews when they were your age.
Since I have never been a teenager, but I was around when your mother was for some reason despite her being older than me, it is time that I finally told you the truth.
Your mom never dated a boy in her life. She made up all those things like her going to the prom and going to movies with boys. When your grandpa Janus Sr. met your other grandpa Janus Sr. they thought that your father would be a great match for my sister Caroline. So your grandpa sold your dad to my sister in exchange for three head of cattle and a new blender. The cattle was ate long before you were born, but the blender is still at your grandfather's house.
So since your mom never dated anyone, she doesn't know anything about boys. Since your dad and I were always at least twenty years old, we know nothing at all about teenage boys. You are probably right in assuming that the 8th grader that has had 7 girlfriends since the last semester is definitely husband material. After all he is "cute" and "kinda sweet...sometimes", and that should be the basis for your entire relationship. He was mistaken the other 7 times but this time he is in it for the long haul for sure. I think you picked a real weiner, er, I mean winner here, and be sure to tell your mom I said so.
You're also right about school being stupid and pointless. I think it is awful that your mother wants you to learn such useless things like how to read and math. You will never need that crap in the real world, trust me. You should quit school as soon as you can. College is even more of a waste of time. I stay awake late at night at times regretting not quitting college earlier when I could of spent more time pursuing work in the fast food profession or being a professional blood donor.
So as I said you should find a way to quit while you are still young and know everything. Then you can convince some old geezer that wasted his life finishing high school and maybe even college and convince him that you are dedicated, smart, and perfect for the job- despite not finishing school.
In fact all the most successful people I know these days didn't stay in school. I can introduce you to Mr. Wicke. He is a very nice homeless man that lives near the dumpster at the White Hen. He dropped out of school early to take up the career of begging for people's loose change and collecting bottles of Mad Dog.
Mr. Wicke is about two years younger than me, but he looks about fifty years older because all that knowledge and experience has made him grow faster than his time. He is the happiest man in the world, and if you ask him he will probably deny it. That's because he didn't get successful by sharing this knowledge with just anyone.
Perhaps someday if you have some time after school, I can take you to meet him. We can learn all about his great intern program.
Of course, I may not get the chance to, since the others will turn me into the pudding before long. So if you don't hear for a while, don't eat the pudding.
Your loving uncle,
Screwtape...er Janus.
posted by Janus Torrell at 11:23 PM
2 Comments:
At first, I wanted to comment about how much I wanted to laugh while reading this much-wanted advice, but custard spoils rapidly in hot weather, so I really want to hurry back to the fridge.
With a teenager if you don't laugh you most likely will cry. I wish I could say "I never did that" but that would be a lie.
How is the custard (if it was Vanilla pudding I would have to ask if it was someone I knew)
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