Janus in the bronze age

I remember when I started texting about 10 years after everyone else. My father in law to be would send me texts and if I wanted to communicate back I had to learn how. I still text very slowly and prefer a voicemail usually. My wife has a blackberry and can type tweets, texts, and updates like a rocket. I am hitting the 4 key repeatedly trying to get the letter I want, people get the text in about 2 days if I am lucky.

The sad point of this is I realize I am becoming more obsolete. Example is that now that blogs are becoming extinct I am back and blogging again. Facebook frightens me still, it's got weird stuff on it like real pictures. Twitter is even more frightening, I don't have any exciting updates or thoughts that I want to take the time to type out. "Janus is having coffee and wondering why he is on the computer" is not that exciting.

It's easier to be anonymous here, probably no one out there but me reads this anymore but still comfortably anonymous.

So I am taking a stand and staying here, at least until Blogger kicks me out.
Take that progress! I shake my fist at thee!

Feeling more at home

Well I always find I have at least one more item of furniture to move...but today after being in the apartment for over a month we were able to get the big furniture here.

We got our basics moved in a while back and it was in a lot of boxes. I felt like I lived in a storage shed because of all the boxes we had and no shelves or places to put it.

"Janus have you seen..."add household item here," and it would be time to search the boxes to find the item we need.

With 4 guys and a few trucks things can work. Dressers, Bookshelves, and the china cabinet. (Took all 4 of us to get that sucker upstairs.) Now instead of having a bunch of cardboard boxes next to my bed I have two bookshelves, a dresser, and a nice lamp. The room felt really peaceful and different. Maybe the surroundings does affect my moods afterall. So much for the "I'm a guy, who cares about the boxes" idea.

So now that the apartment looks like an apartment and I have a dining room table I am beginning to finally feel more at home. Oh, and I don't have to find socks in a garbage bag full of clothes either.

Fun I had forgotten

As I mentioned before I hate snow.

I posted something a few years back about snow, in which I went out of my to explain how much I hate it.

Today I played in the snow.

I had a great time.

My son and I dressed up in warm clothes and walked to the local sledding field. A few kids were still sledding there with parents. Most parents kind of just mutter and watch the kids. I would be the one that would mutter I would have thought.

I watch J-2 get on the sled that Bella got for him at the store and tear down the hills over and over. Another boy watching him go down the hill in the sled asks if he can try out his sled.

J-2 just says "Go right ahead!"

The other kid lends his sled to him too, and they trade back and forth for a bit. I love how my son will share and just make friends with another kid so quickly.

J-2 has never really been sledding before, in fact before he came to live with Bella and myself he has never seen more than an inch or two of snow at a time and it is always gone the next day. The weather I would normally dream of.

He is so excited and happy when he can play in the snow and when Bella and I can join him. I watch him sled, and show him how to push himself faster.

He says "Do you want to give it a whirl?" Which is something I say to him normally.

We take turns a bit going down in the sled, Sometimes he slides down next to me like an otter on his snow clothes holding on to the sled while I go down and we scream as the sled speeds up.

On the way back to the house we stop and pick up some big icicles from the side of the building. These are new for him too, and he looks at them like a small miracle. He cautiously licks one and smiles and shrugs his shoulders.

I missed so much with him growing up. I missed first words, first steps, and first day of school. I was so happy to be a part of a first with him. Snow is still cold and I hate driving in it, but I can't hate something that he loves so much. I will have to hate it again when he is older.

I had a great day playing outside today.

Names..names...names...

I am getting the blog ready for the "big" January launch. I guess that means that I am officially not blogging now, even if this seems like it. All part of my clever tricks I guess.

I have been debating starting a new blog with a new name in a new town....ok at least the first two. I don't know what to name myself though. I don't like hiding so much, but at the same time I don't like to embarrass my loved ones by using my real name and photo either.

It's a tough choice.

What to name the blog or do I just keep the same name.

I wonder if any of my blogger friends are still alive, or if facebook killed them off.

I have to go through my links and clean out the dead ones, but again....what name do I get.

Mending fences and behind the scenes

Yeah I got a bad word on this post today, but I got to report it in the proper context..hope you can forgive it.

A lot of people were hurt years ago, and divided by fears and rumor. In the last two years many of those rumors are coming to light and seen as just that...rumors.

I got an apology today from someone that hated me years ago because he was lied to about me. He was bitter and angry and he realized through time and others that knew me that I was not the man he thought I was. Today I was told he wanted to talk to me and patch things up.

He is a man that finds it hard to apologize, but he said "I owe you an apology for believing those things about you and the way I treated you back then. I didn't realize that it was all a load of shit."

I told him it was water under the bridge and he didn't need to think anything of it.

He insisted though that I accept his apology. So I accepted it, and I said I know what you mean it happened to me too. I thanked him for looking out for my son and his sisters. I know he was duped like I was. A lot of us were hurt by this.

I would be lying if I said that over the years all that has gone on hasn't hurt me. As time goes on I realize that even though these horrible things happen, it is because I was there I was able to help not just my son now...but three very special young ladies that I love like my very own.
I believed in God, I believed in Jesus, and I believed he could do amazing things. I just always believed he did them for "other people." I doubted that God could mend the fences that I broke in the past. I now can see that it wasn't because he wanted me to hurt, but so I could be more than just my son's father. I can be there for 3 special ladies that need a parent. I realize more and more especially this week that it was worth it to be a part in these lives.

He really can turn what is meant for evil for good.

I can really see past myself for once.

This trip has been difficult and emotional and dreaded. It is also one of the most meaningful things I have ever done. My head is spinning trying to sort it all out.

Snapped

Last night was rough.

Actually last week was rough and last night just was the straw that snapped the camels back. (thus my not so original title...don't worry this isn't a lifetime network production.)

Last weekend I got in a car accident, my Buick versus a Ford truck. The truck won. What is the point of bumpers really, if every car has them at a different height? My bumper is fine, because his bumper went over it into my trunk. Turning my trunk into a wagon.

I was released to go back to work, but last night was a killer. I am drugging up to go in for the afternoon, my backups are unavailable this afternoon so it is me to fend off the hordes for about 5 hours. At least I will be able to see my friends and do something useful. It beats laying down all day which I did most of the week.

Last night I got the call that my car will more than likely be totaled. I haven't even paid the damn thing off yet, and now I have to try to find another one. I like my little rent-a-car but I can't keep that sucker going much further. So I guess I am going to have to play taps for the car.

Last night I had time to reflect. I try to avoid that, but I can't help it. I have something I need to do...more to come later.

Getting back to normal someday?

Well I decided that even though I could do something else that I was going to write an update. Preserving my once a month current streak.

For those wondering how I am doing, I am now working a few jobs. Which is a good thing. Workwise I am at my best game for years. I will have to update with more specifics.

I am also no longer suffering from insomnia. The extra work, some of it involving physical lugging of equipment for 3 hours every few nights has helped me rest. I am also taking something by my doctor which curbs my spaz attacks.

I am also worried. Lately I have been very thin-skinned. I am not sure if I am just tired or what. I do feel exhausted all the time but I notice that I am feeling more sarcastic, more tempermental, and in general not myself.

I am going to try upping my sleep and of course trying to keep up with praying and talking with others.

It concerns me that I am not being myself and I am taking on some of my traits from years ago. I didn't sleep much then either, it might explain the moods.

Janus trying to write again, and self education.

So right now I am working on my testimony for Celebrate the Journey, the support and recovery program at The Box.
The biggest problem with the testimony is the same I have with everything. It is either too long or short. I either talk too long about a single detail or I skip 10 years of my life for brevity. Janus Torrell has never written anything for it before, but you should check out the blog if you get a chance.
If I ever actually update and repair my blog that will be one of the links I add.

I am also working on my annual Halloween short story, which used to be a tradition in my yesterdays. I used to be able to write a bit of horror and suspense. I kind of lost that ability the last 5 years (with most of my quality going down the toilet.) So I want to acquire the ability again to write various genres. I still don't give a crap about romance stuff though.

Also I have not forgotten my loyal steadfast friend Frodo and that I owe her a copy of "How to mess up your life royally." Forgive the delay, but you ain't forgotten.


On the Academic front. I am studying "How to write a short story" in hopes of refining some techniques. I am also studying several books on Herbology and I got my old co-worker Jose working with me on experiments. I also got a book on Exodus and the parables of Jesus to slowly chew and study.

So I am trying to make the most of my quarter life crisis.

I am also preparing to leave town again, hopefully with more successful results.

Self destruction of blog not approved by zoning

Well, we are still here.

I didn't push the self destruct button. Besides it just asks "Do you really want to delete this blog?" and doesn't even give me a cool count down sequence. No computer voice, no 10..9..8.., no nothing.
Since I am carrying over yesterdays conversation about lightsabers, today I have to rant about self destruct sequences. Do bad guys really worry about the good guys getting a hold of the secret lair that is normally so big you couldn't miss it, or do they all have self destruct sequences so that when they hire the evil contractors union they can shave some money off the estimate.

Dr. Evil: So we got the vats of acid, the missile silo, the escape pods, and the cool table with the trapdoors?

Evil Contractor: Yes, all good to go.

Dr. Evil: If you don't mind me asking, why do I have a giant exhaust door that they can fire a missile into and destroy my whole lair with?

Evil Contractor: Evil building codes require that we have giant exhaust doors for the sake of keeping the reactor cool.

Dr. Evil: Yes but wouldn't it be more logical to have a screen door on that?

Evil Contractor: That would require us getting permission from your evil homeowners association, and we have trouble getting them to call back. They insist that any external changes on your secret lair must be approved and match the exterior design of the other secret lairs in your association.

Dr. Evil: That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Fine. Can I at least get rid of the self destruct feature this time, since my last 4 lairs have been blown up by someone pushing a big red button.

Evil Contractor: Well....we can. It would require us to customize your lair. You ordered factory model volcano lair template 17. We can remove the self destuct but that would require us to customize the design and we would have to call the association..

Dr. Evil: Oh to hell with it, talk to Frau, I need two advils and a beer.

So. Bad jokes aside. I have been here for 313 posts...I might as well stick around a while.
Don't forget me internet land.

Pardon my candor. (Read only if you really like to read peoples complaining)

This blog was originally designed for me to rant and not worry about people knowing who I am.

I failed in that because I decided to share, so sometimes I am less inclined to be truthful because I am concerned about people knowing when I am really feeling like crap.


Today is one of those days.

So with no apologies I am feeling irritable and grouchy.

Ever regret getting involved and making closer relationships with people? Somedays I do. Friends and family is what makes life worth living, but somedays I wish I didn't bother. You are less disappointed when you are not close to people. You don't have to hear about peoples problems when you don't talk to people. Sometimes getting to know people is just plain useless and depressing. I don't care to go far into that one just yet.

Today the smoke alarm went off, and I didn't see anything remotely similar to a fire. Yet it scared me. I was afraid to leave the pets, I was afraid I would leave and my house would be gone. I am embarrassed to be afraid of fire even though it has been almost a year.

I still have days where I am afraid to come home and the house is gone.

Today I am consumed with frustration, fear, anger, and depression. Too bad that won't make me have a cool red light saber and be able to move things. Instead it is crippling. I want to be well. I want to be as good as other people. I want to feel as inspiring and loving today as I should be.

Now this is not prose and this is not for anyone in particular so I am not going to wrap it up in a nice polished ending.

I am debating obliterating this blog and sparing the world this drama.

I will sleep on it, but then who knows.

I've had it.

What gets your attention?

Warning: personal feelings alert. I might actually talk about what I am thinking today.

What makes me believe in God to the point where I want to get involved in a community I didn't really know about or understand?

Truthfully, I think it is sacrifices.

I have never had a lot of money (compared to my neighbors I should say.) Until I got my Buick I never owned a car that didn't want me to have a tetanus shot. I didn't have the really glamorous job. I have never been famous and even really known outside of my immediate neighborhood.

In short, I have been pretty much playing it safe my entire life.

Then yesterday I heard my friend Tim (his real name) speak. Every story is different and yet the same in one aspect or other. You have someone who is doing very well in the eyes of the earth.
Great job, success, climbing a corporate ladder...the whole package.

Then you hear how meaningless it became and how they left a lot of it behind.

Now I have been told money will not make you happy since day one. I rarely hear about that though from people that had much of it. Kind of like a guy that is afraid of heights telling you that skydiving isn't that big a deal.

I have had the honor of talking and meeting many of my the leaders of the church that I go to. They have one thing in common. They could be great successful executives and probably could make it in fortune 500 companies if they wished. I am not exaggerating that point either. In fact many of the leaders walked away from the ladder less than 10 years ago.

Sales people, plant managers, software engineers, corporate trainers... people that I wanted to be years ago but never had the "personality" to be. Our modern Hercules and Achilles in today's world. People that can attain money and power that are the modern gods of today's world. God knows that's what I wanted to be and what I hoped to be someday.

Over 2000 years ago two pairs of brothers walked away from a profitable fishing business to live a life of danger and sacrifice. If they would have decided to rather just put a little extra in the offering and continue fishing....well the apostle Peter and apostle John among others would probably have faded into obscurity. The original disciples knew what sacrifice was as well. John is the only one of the original disciples to not be killed for the faith.

I often have to ask myself, would these people walk away from all that unless they knew what they wanted and needed was much more?

I haven't left a lot behind. I am occasionally wondering, and it happens more frequently, if I am willing to lose my life to gain it. Am I trying to live a double life?

Janus and his wild holiday weekend

Friday: Vegged. Wish I didn't looking back

Saturday: Went to evening services, ran the camera, went out to eat and watched "The Bank Job" with Bella.

Sunday: Bella and I went to visit my parents and sister's family. Sammy (the dog) went swimming in the lake while I avoided bees for a while. We went out to eat at the slowest service dining experience that I ever went to (Even worse than the Ruby Tuesday incident of '97, which is a story for another day) Which gave us more time to talk. Left my parents at midnight or so, had to fight our way to the door to escape the family.

watched "21" when we got home. I hope if they ever make a movie about me they will find someone that doesn't look anything like me to do the part. Hollywood can make card counting almost interesting.

Monday: Went swimming with our friends at their apartment centers pool. The water was great. Got to hold a newborn a bit and play with a excited 3 year old. Lucas and I got to play with an adult level erector set, one of those BBQ grills you can buy at the store that has about 50 small parts to put on it. The store clerk said it takes a half hour, it took us 2 hours.


Tuesday: Back to reality.

Nonlabor day and Janus gets tasered by the fashion police.

For the first time in about 8 years I am going to not be working on labor day.

Joining the fine tradition of celebrating working by not working at all.

My hats off though for everyone that actually is working, and I want to let you know that I totally get it. I am sure that I am only getting Monday off because of an accident from my supervisor who didn't ask me to substitute for everyone else and besides my Monday client is still at the hospital.

So I might not update for a few days. Don't worry I'm alive.

I have not yet found the cozy job where I can take off Earth Day and Arbor Day yet. Not that I really do anything on those days. I will just have to see if the caregivers and nursing assistants union loves trees and green things.

Apparently I need to have less stuff in my wallet (less papers and cards...not less money.) My wife and current guest have pointed out that I am just not fashionable having a bulky looking pocket that looks like I am walking around with a Batman belt. I have kept my wallet in my front pocket for years (anti-pickpocket thing I learned in France not to mention I am paranoid of losing my wallet.) So I guess I either have to wear it in the back or get a man bag.

Only when I got married was able to find someone that cared to tell me that I need to make wardrobe adjustments. I don't think Jose and Angie had the heart to tell me. Someday I will tell you about my shopping trips about 12 years ago where my poor coworkers hated helping me.
They eventually gave up in despair.

Personally I don't care though so I will probably continue looking fashionably clueless. At least until they do the intervention.

I can't even isolate myself properly today right.

I have had this screen up for over an hour. I have to go to bed.

I feel I should write something. Writers are supposed to do stuff like that according to my English teacher.

Today I went over to Lucas's place to fix his computer, I ended staying there most of the night. I guess I am just feeling weird. Normally I hate going anywhere and I feel like going home and shutting off the world for a while. Today I just couldn't do it.

Which is stupid, because how often will I get a chance to do this as things get crazier.

I miss crazy old hermit me.

Tomorrow I am dealing with a patient that is in rapid decline, I am not looking forward to that. No matter how hard I try I can't stop things from falling apart, I can only try to slow it down a bit.

Maybe it is time for a career change. Now is not the time to do anything risky. When is it a time to do something risky though?

Well time for bed.

Riveting Entertainment News.

I thought this morning I would celebrate my return to the ordinary world by seeing what exciting news happened today.

"Downey Disses the Dark Knight."

Alright I realized entertainment is not really "News" just like Nintendo Wii is not really golf and bowling, but still. Is this the best they can do?

Why would millions of people care about Robert Downey Jr's comic book opinions? I don't think Robert Downey Jr. even cares about his own comic book opinions.

Dancing with the Stars is having a new season. I am very happy to no longer be working at a retirement home during the evening, so I can completely avoid watching this. I do have to see who the "Stars" are since normally I don't know more than a third of them. This gives me hope that someday I might be a "star." Though I don't dance so I am not going on this show, even if I do lose what dignity I have left.

Lance Bass. Ok at least I know that is. I didn't know him when he was a singer, but I get to hear about how he did an interview with people magazine and did some cartoons. When we run out of N'Syncers we might have to tap into that New Kids On The Block members. Hopefully by then the show will be gone.

Toni Braxton. I remember the name. She sang some songs 10 years or more ago and I can't remember any of them but hey its been a while. I can't even remember half the crap I learned in school.

Brooke Burke. Don't know her. Oh, wikipedia says she is a former lingerie model and appeared nude somewhere or other about 5 years ago or so. Must of missed the memo.

Rocco Dispirito. Never heard of him. I guess he's a chef or something. I don't know anything about celebrity chefs unless I have one of their products in my house. Why isn't Chef Boyardee coming out to dance this season. That might be interesting.

Maurice Greene. Hmm no idea. Oh a former Olympic athlete. Thats alright.

Kim Kardashian. I have heard of her, I wish I hadn't, but I know the name. A reality TV (gag) star My knowledge of her comes from watching her get bashed on The Soup. I can understand lingerie models, chefs, and athletes...but Kim Kardashian????

Cloris Leachman. Hmm I feel I should know this one. It is a name that I don't hear every day but how can I forget someone named Cloris? She won a whole bunch of awards for TV acting. I don't watch a lot of TV, so I am clueless.

Cody Linley. Never heard of him. Oh he is on that evil Hannah Montana thing. So he probably has a curling iron and towel with his picture stuck on it somewhere but I have trained myself to run from Hannah Montana stuff before it gets scarred into my memory.

Susan Lucci. Hmm no idea. The most famous face in daytime television and soap opera star. (Yahoo is so kind to let me know that I should know her.) Well I hate daytime TV and soap operas are even worse. So now I know.

Misty May-Treanor. I think I spelled that right, I ain't checking again. Olympic athlete. that says it all. I really need to pay attention to sports more.

Ted McGinley. Alright, know this one. I am actually glad Ted McGinley is on Dancing With the Stars. Usually when Ted shows up on a television show it means it is on the verge of being canceled. He is one of the signs that the show is on the way out. Go Ted go!

Jeffrey Ross. The guy from celebrity roasts. Glad he is able to take time off his busy schedule of trying to make people like Donald Trump and Bob Saget seem amusing. This will give the future roastees something to fight back with.

"Oh yeah...well you were on dancing with the stars....buuuuuuuuuuurn!" Then he sniffles and walks off the camera.

Finally Warren Sapp. Retired famous football player. 'Nuff said.


Well thats enough of that crap, I have to find the real world again now. I should have slept more.

Brain Storm Severe Weather Watch

I need to sleep.

No pictures today, apparently Batman and Skeletor couldn't kick start my blog much.

I had a bunch of ideas of stuff to write, but am too tired.

So I took some notes and now I am heading to bed.

quiet down brain, I need sleep

Things to do while your car is having diagnostic tests

(Yes this was what I almost wrote yesterday)

1) Read golf, boating, and men's fashion magazines. I really don't know why all waiting rooms have these. Either golf and boating is more popular than I realized or these magazines are marketed to waiting rooms.
This afternoon I decided to buy a pontoon boat. I will purchase this boat when I win the lottery which I don't ever buy tickets for. So this might take a while.
I also learned how to "Build the Swing I Want" (in golf, not for the porch.) I used to think golf is pretty meaningless and a waste of time, but then my friend won a $50,000 dollar prize playing golf. Golf is still fairly meaningless and a waste of time to me, but not nearly as much in general I guess.
As for men's fashion, I am too out of touch and broke at the moment. I will worry about being stylish roughly after I win the lottery, get the pontoon boat, and take golf lessons.
Ack so much for this.
Too bad they don't have Highlights magazine here, so I can keep up with important issues like The Timbertoes and finding a pencil hidden in a drawing of a Hippopotamus in a tutu riding on a unicycle.
Ranger Rick has nice photos of lemurs too. Alas, this is a car dealership, and a Buick one at that. I guess they don't think that the average 50+ year old white male that drives Buicks would care about lemurs.

2) They have those puzzles with the triangle peg board and golf teas. You know what I am talking about right? They are like the Rubik's Cubes and the connecting horseshoes trick. I can only get it down to two pegs though.
Two pegs.
Two pegs
Three pegs. Damn it.
Enough of this crap. Stupid puzzle.

3) Soda and Snack machines. I remember when sodas were 50 cents. $1.25 for a can of Coke? I can't drink soda right now anyway. I am talking about prices from years ago. Oh no, I'm turning into my dad! Curse you Buick!

4) Free coffee. Too bad I really don't drink coffee. Besides it's hot and humid outside, so why would I want a steaming 'Cup of Joe?' Why do they call it Joe anyway? I'm going to google that later. I'll just drink some 5) free water instead. Weeeeeeeee!

6) Newspaper. No Comics? Well there goes that. I'm not up for reading the riveting Transportation section.

Wow, I sat back down after finding all the stuff to do here and the chair makes a suspicious sound that had everyone in the waiting room looking at me.

It's the chair....really.

I'm sure they don't believe me.

7) Watch Fox News with the other 50 year old kids. Someone turned on the TV and to the news. Ack, I hate the news. I don't care about Mccain, Obama, or Brittney Spears. Call me a bad citizen if you want, I am more worried about me.

8) I can't believe I wrote this entire list on scratch paper. I better check on my car. I'm getting hungry.

I'm flattered but....no

The other day I was chatting with my friend in the arts office about the usual stuff. How did the movie look? Did I work the camera like a kangaroo on Starbucks? How's the family? Stuff like that.

I always ask about video shoots because I want to go along on one and see how it's done. Usually all the video shoots are in the early morning or on days when I am working on something. At some point in my recent years I have started being fascinated with film and drama. I'm amazed by it, I love to learn about it, and see it happen.

I was asked if I would like to be an extra in one of the movies. I very quickly said no.
Public appearance stuff is about the only line I am not willing to cross.

I will write something for an audience, but I can't stand up and speak in front of them.

I can use a camera to record someone speaking, but I dodge the lens when I can.

I don't even have yearbook pictures when I was old enough to avoid them, I didn't want to remember what I looked like about 20 years down the road. Denial is good.

I really don't mind doing about anything I am physically capable of doing to help out, but I am scared to death of being in front of people. I didn't use to be so shy, but I don't feel that comfortable in my skin anymore. So part of it is wanting to be behind the scenes and another part is I am terrified to be seen.

You add that to Youtube and that makes me duck or turn around when I see any flashing red lights. I love Youtube, I can listen to my bad 80's music and see some stuff that entertains me, but I don't ever want to be on it.

Besides am I the only one that thinks this....I think I sound pretty nice and don't mind hearing me talk as a general rule. I listen to a recording of me though and I go "WHO IS THAT?!" I sound like a mumbling nasal teenager. Knowing that alone makes me not too eager for recorded medium. I mean I can't even watch my vacation videos without cringing.

So this shoot that is coming up, pray that I stay strong. If a bunch of guys try to talk me into it I have to remember that I will live to regret it. Let's keep as much of Janus as we can off other forms of media.

no no no.

Telly's new place

I am slowly getting back up from being sick.

Has it been a month?

Does anyone read this anymore?

Why do I ask questions that are pointless?

Today I saw Telly. To fill you in, I used to take care of Telly but he went to "a home" over a month ago. So on the way back from the Box I decided to drop by and see him. It is very difficult to talk to him because he has a problem hearing but also not a lot to say.

When you live in a place and the highlight of the day is waiting an hour for dinner since you want to get there early and get a better table.... It was hard to see him to be perfectly honest, since I didn't know what to talk about.

"How do you like it here?" Good... "How is the food" Good....

It was also hard to see that he is getting older and slowing down even more. It has been about a month and he seems to have aged years since our last meeting. Same shirt, same smile, but something different.

I also saw a room full of people that had the same sad looks. People with gray and white hairs, people that had walkers and wheelchairs, people that had a problem even holding their head up. Quite different from the independent living homes, a nursing home seems more like a gloomy prison. The staff was nice enough, but you can't help but feel the futility.

I know that they have a few other floors for people that have Dementia. I thought the first floor was gloomy enough. I think I will stay away from that floor unless I have to.

I fear getting older. I am scared I will end up in a cafeteria with a bib anxiously awaiting my hot dog for an hour so I can have a chair facing a TV. This reminds me of why I do what I do, to try to bring a little light in that darkness.

He asked when I was coming back, I told him I would drop by next Thursday on the way back from work. Somewhere along the way I got adopted into his family.

When you are still deciding what to be when you grow up.

It stinks when you don't know what you want to be when you grow up.

It's worse when you are in your 30's.

So tonight I am working on some fine paperwork for tomorrow, getting ready to work in the afternoon, and seriously considering what is next for me.

Even if I do figure it out soon, then my next step is finding out how to get there.

People ask me "Well what do you like to do?"

Nothing that pays, so I have to find something I like, or at least make enough to tolerate it.

Somehow I feel that is not the best way to approach the problem.

Well...will talk soon