Snapped

Last night was rough.

Actually last week was rough and last night just was the straw that snapped the camels back. (thus my not so original title...don't worry this isn't a lifetime network production.)

Last weekend I got in a car accident, my Buick versus a Ford truck. The truck won. What is the point of bumpers really, if every car has them at a different height? My bumper is fine, because his bumper went over it into my trunk. Turning my trunk into a wagon.

I was released to go back to work, but last night was a killer. I am drugging up to go in for the afternoon, my backups are unavailable this afternoon so it is me to fend off the hordes for about 5 hours. At least I will be able to see my friends and do something useful. It beats laying down all day which I did most of the week.

Last night I got the call that my car will more than likely be totaled. I haven't even paid the damn thing off yet, and now I have to try to find another one. I like my little rent-a-car but I can't keep that sucker going much further. So I guess I am going to have to play taps for the car.

Last night I had time to reflect. I try to avoid that, but I can't help it. I have something I need to do...more to come later.

Getting back to normal someday?

Well I decided that even though I could do something else that I was going to write an update. Preserving my once a month current streak.

For those wondering how I am doing, I am now working a few jobs. Which is a good thing. Workwise I am at my best game for years. I will have to update with more specifics.

I am also no longer suffering from insomnia. The extra work, some of it involving physical lugging of equipment for 3 hours every few nights has helped me rest. I am also taking something by my doctor which curbs my spaz attacks.

I am also worried. Lately I have been very thin-skinned. I am not sure if I am just tired or what. I do feel exhausted all the time but I notice that I am feeling more sarcastic, more tempermental, and in general not myself.

I am going to try upping my sleep and of course trying to keep up with praying and talking with others.

It concerns me that I am not being myself and I am taking on some of my traits from years ago. I didn't sleep much then either, it might explain the moods.

Everyone needs to do a job search once in a while

Janus trying to write again, and self education.

So right now I am working on my testimony for Celebrate the Journey, the support and recovery program at The Box.
The biggest problem with the testimony is the same I have with everything. It is either too long or short. I either talk too long about a single detail or I skip 10 years of my life for brevity. Janus Torrell has never written anything for it before, but you should check out the blog if you get a chance.
If I ever actually update and repair my blog that will be one of the links I add.

I am also working on my annual Halloween short story, which used to be a tradition in my yesterdays. I used to be able to write a bit of horror and suspense. I kind of lost that ability the last 5 years (with most of my quality going down the toilet.) So I want to acquire the ability again to write various genres. I still don't give a crap about romance stuff though.

Also I have not forgotten my loyal steadfast friend Frodo and that I owe her a copy of "How to mess up your life royally." Forgive the delay, but you ain't forgotten.


On the Academic front. I am studying "How to write a short story" in hopes of refining some techniques. I am also studying several books on Herbology and I got my old co-worker Jose working with me on experiments. I also got a book on Exodus and the parables of Jesus to slowly chew and study.

So I am trying to make the most of my quarter life crisis.

I am also preparing to leave town again, hopefully with more successful results.

Nonlabor day and Janus gets tasered by the fashion police.

For the first time in about 8 years I am going to not be working on labor day.

Joining the fine tradition of celebrating working by not working at all.

My hats off though for everyone that actually is working, and I want to let you know that I totally get it. I am sure that I am only getting Monday off because of an accident from my supervisor who didn't ask me to substitute for everyone else and besides my Monday client is still at the hospital.

So I might not update for a few days. Don't worry I'm alive.

I have not yet found the cozy job where I can take off Earth Day and Arbor Day yet. Not that I really do anything on those days. I will just have to see if the caregivers and nursing assistants union loves trees and green things.

Apparently I need to have less stuff in my wallet (less papers and cards...not less money.) My wife and current guest have pointed out that I am just not fashionable having a bulky looking pocket that looks like I am walking around with a Batman belt. I have kept my wallet in my front pocket for years (anti-pickpocket thing I learned in France not to mention I am paranoid of losing my wallet.) So I guess I either have to wear it in the back or get a man bag.

Only when I got married was able to find someone that cared to tell me that I need to make wardrobe adjustments. I don't think Jose and Angie had the heart to tell me. Someday I will tell you about my shopping trips about 12 years ago where my poor coworkers hated helping me.
They eventually gave up in despair.

Personally I don't care though so I will probably continue looking fashionably clueless. At least until they do the intervention.

Janus considers his career plan

Today is one of them days. Two of my clients had to get medical attention. (Not from anything I did or didn't do...don't worry.) I am often reminded of just how unstable working with the elderly can be.

Two in one day though is a bit of a surprise for me nonetheless.

I need a job where I feel less attached to people. Perhaps I should consider being a probation officer.

Nah.

I need to write a few best sellers and retire in relative obscurity. How's that for a career plan?

I never really did get around to the career plan thing.

Somedays I wish I had.

I can't even isolate myself properly today right.

I have had this screen up for over an hour. I have to go to bed.

I feel I should write something. Writers are supposed to do stuff like that according to my English teacher.

Today I went over to Lucas's place to fix his computer, I ended staying there most of the night. I guess I am just feeling weird. Normally I hate going anywhere and I feel like going home and shutting off the world for a while. Today I just couldn't do it.

Which is stupid, because how often will I get a chance to do this as things get crazier.

I miss crazy old hermit me.

Tomorrow I am dealing with a patient that is in rapid decline, I am not looking forward to that. No matter how hard I try I can't stop things from falling apart, I can only try to slow it down a bit.

Maybe it is time for a career change. Now is not the time to do anything risky. When is it a time to do something risky though?

Well time for bed.

Bad photo shop requests, new essay, out of town announcement

Even He-Man hates driving on Ogden Avenue at 5:00. Robin looks a bit uncomfortable at him yelling obscenities at the construction workers and little old ladies with blue hair.


Well, Despite the desire to make a totally believable photo shop image, I decided that I worked on this already too long and decided that the 3 people looking at it will forgive me for not giving it my full attention. Even the stuff I give my full attention to tends to look cheesy and so those that know me. Well you know me.

8 days til I head out of town and I am biting my fingernails so much that I ate half of my index finger yesterday. (Not really, but I am nervous.)

My quality is dropping on all sides. Though for a special special treat for my loyal readers I am nearly done with my latest and if not greatest at least not to0 mediocre essay called "How to screw up your life royally" and it is available soon on email request. Now don't be frightened if you read it by a different name than Janus Torrell since as you know I use pen names and aliases...so you might get another pen name or wowsah even my own name depending on my mood.

Brain Storm Severe Weather Watch

I need to sleep.

No pictures today, apparently Batman and Skeletor couldn't kick start my blog much.

I had a bunch of ideas of stuff to write, but am too tired.

So I took some notes and now I am heading to bed.

quiet down brain, I need sleep

I'm flattered but....no

The other day I was chatting with my friend in the arts office about the usual stuff. How did the movie look? Did I work the camera like a kangaroo on Starbucks? How's the family? Stuff like that.

I always ask about video shoots because I want to go along on one and see how it's done. Usually all the video shoots are in the early morning or on days when I am working on something. At some point in my recent years I have started being fascinated with film and drama. I'm amazed by it, I love to learn about it, and see it happen.

I was asked if I would like to be an extra in one of the movies. I very quickly said no.
Public appearance stuff is about the only line I am not willing to cross.

I will write something for an audience, but I can't stand up and speak in front of them.

I can use a camera to record someone speaking, but I dodge the lens when I can.

I don't even have yearbook pictures when I was old enough to avoid them, I didn't want to remember what I looked like about 20 years down the road. Denial is good.

I really don't mind doing about anything I am physically capable of doing to help out, but I am scared to death of being in front of people. I didn't use to be so shy, but I don't feel that comfortable in my skin anymore. So part of it is wanting to be behind the scenes and another part is I am terrified to be seen.

You add that to Youtube and that makes me duck or turn around when I see any flashing red lights. I love Youtube, I can listen to my bad 80's music and see some stuff that entertains me, but I don't ever want to be on it.

Besides am I the only one that thinks this....I think I sound pretty nice and don't mind hearing me talk as a general rule. I listen to a recording of me though and I go "WHO IS THAT?!" I sound like a mumbling nasal teenager. Knowing that alone makes me not too eager for recorded medium. I mean I can't even watch my vacation videos without cringing.

So this shoot that is coming up, pray that I stay strong. If a bunch of guys try to talk me into it I have to remember that I will live to regret it. Let's keep as much of Janus as we can off other forms of media.

no no no.

Telly's new place

I am slowly getting back up from being sick.

Has it been a month?

Does anyone read this anymore?

Why do I ask questions that are pointless?

Today I saw Telly. To fill you in, I used to take care of Telly but he went to "a home" over a month ago. So on the way back from the Box I decided to drop by and see him. It is very difficult to talk to him because he has a problem hearing but also not a lot to say.

When you live in a place and the highlight of the day is waiting an hour for dinner since you want to get there early and get a better table.... It was hard to see him to be perfectly honest, since I didn't know what to talk about.

"How do you like it here?" Good... "How is the food" Good....

It was also hard to see that he is getting older and slowing down even more. It has been about a month and he seems to have aged years since our last meeting. Same shirt, same smile, but something different.

I also saw a room full of people that had the same sad looks. People with gray and white hairs, people that had walkers and wheelchairs, people that had a problem even holding their head up. Quite different from the independent living homes, a nursing home seems more like a gloomy prison. The staff was nice enough, but you can't help but feel the futility.

I know that they have a few other floors for people that have Dementia. I thought the first floor was gloomy enough. I think I will stay away from that floor unless I have to.

I fear getting older. I am scared I will end up in a cafeteria with a bib anxiously awaiting my hot dog for an hour so I can have a chair facing a TV. This reminds me of why I do what I do, to try to bring a little light in that darkness.

He asked when I was coming back, I told him I would drop by next Thursday on the way back from work. Somewhere along the way I got adopted into his family.

When you are still deciding what to be when you grow up.

It stinks when you don't know what you want to be when you grow up.

It's worse when you are in your 30's.

So tonight I am working on some fine paperwork for tomorrow, getting ready to work in the afternoon, and seriously considering what is next for me.

Even if I do figure it out soon, then my next step is finding out how to get there.

People ask me "Well what do you like to do?"

Nothing that pays, so I have to find something I like, or at least make enough to tolerate it.

Somehow I feel that is not the best way to approach the problem.

Well...will talk soon

Ffrazzled and recovery. (Aka where I was for a week)

Well I dealt with someone on Wednesday that I haven't dealt with for 6 years or so, and it was a bit harder than I expected. Praying for peace and words before hand is always a good practice. I really never know what I am doing, good thing for me God does.
Still despite things going "Not so bad" I have had a problem relaxing even worse than usual, I don't how I am going to make it to May. I was going to decompress a bit yesterday but had company until about 9:00.
I love company, but I am that Introvert no matter how hard I try not to be, and I don't really relax with anyone else around that easily. It doesn't mean I don't love and like people, but I am a hermit when I rest.
I talked to James (Something I haven't done for a long time since things have been so crazy) and we did some catching up. James was amazingly patient and understanding...I think he is finally getting old and mellowing out (like I kind of did.)
I had coffee with my friend Allen this morning, and other than the waking up part, It was good. I feel more at peace after having a sounding board, though I feel a bit odd confiding in people still.
Torrell men are not famous for that "Sharing stuff." I am the loudest of course in my family but I always feel like I am a downer or obnoxious so avoid that sharing stuff.
My wife and I went to the Gym today, and yesterday. If I had life insurance I might question if she is trying to kill me since I am not Mr. Activity. I am doing well though and it feels good actually!
Well other than my calve muscles.
It feels like someone was smacking them with a baseball bat.
I had a massage and a chiropractor appointment afterwards which helps.
I am also proud of myself for being able to jog about a 1.8 miles in 18 minutes, which for me is amazing, though probably pretty mediocre for most people. I am the guy that skipped gym class for most of school though so that is about the equivalent of winning a contest for me.
Who knows if I do this long enough I might sleep like a baby.

restless night sighs

It is 2 am and I pace the wooden floors of my house with the click clack sounds of Sammy following behind me.

The sleeping pills may kick in soon. My mind is alive and everywhere at once tonight. My thoughts on the ones I love on the other side of the country, My heart feels for good friends that are facing tough times, my heart thinks of my lovely wife asleep behind me.

I fear the future and uncertainty. Normally I am not long seeing and I am able to go for the ride. To see and anticipate the worst is hell in itself. God is in control. God is in control, I just wish he would fill me in a bit on whats going on.

I spent a lot of time here at 2:30 in the morning once. I never thought I could feel about so much people and feel so helpless. I wish I knew what I could do to make things better. Half my life I was able to do so much good and I didn't, now I wish I could do some good and I am unable to.

I need to do something...anything. Perhaps tomorrow.

Slightly behind....

Well I am not making any promises to be back, since they only lead to disappointment. But I am back at least for this quick post.

I am getting over a stomach virus which is not particulary repulsive or gross, but a bit uncomfortable and hopefully I shall feel good in a week or so. It gives me wierd hunger cravings and cramps and a little sick to my stomach...I was concerned that I somehow might be pregnant with an alien baby or something, but the doctor assures me that things will be fine. So if you don't hear from me for a while again that is because the alien burst from my chest like in the movie Alien. Which reminds me I should get more Lysol wipes.

I am slowly getting back to work, which I have been slumping at for the last few months. I am good at my 9-5 job, but not so good at working hard on my time at home. So wish me luck with that.

I am slowly unearthing my mail boxs and blog feeders and are trying to get them all down to the single digits. (922 emails, 400 blogs to read.) So you might get about 10 comments in a row from me. Don't worry I am not selling viagra, its really me. I will try to limit by chatter, just know that I care enough to read old news too.

Now my wife is going on online and I am going to finish my wonton soup and get ready for work tonight.

Thanks for dropping in.

J.T.

Thanksgiving...the day after report

This time of year (At least in the United States) people generally get together with friends and family and cook up more food than they can possibly eat and have enough left overs that people will never eat turkey again for about a year. That is Thanksgiving.
I won't bore you with the origins of Thanksgiving but I will try to remember the meaning of it.
We generally have so many blessings and good things that we tend to not even think about (Unless one of them is gone.) Thanksgiving is a single day out of 365 other days that we spend with our family and share a meal and hopefully remember all those good things.
So I feel like writing this sappy post and sharing with you somethings I am thankful for.

1. My God (and my relationship with him.) I don't know how I would have survived many of the things the last few years without him. He comforts, provides, cares, and shows his love for me even when I don't see it right away.

2. My wife, Bella. She helps complete me, and she is frequently strong when I feel weak and vice versa. She gives me a reason to come home at a decent hour, listens to me whine all the time, and does more than I can fit on this post really...save it for Valentines day.

3. My Friends and Family A few years ago I didn't think I had so many of you, but now when I look at my email and phone list I realize I just was not paying attention. People have been wonderful to us and have helped keep us strong through the trials. A special mention to Rob who will drive through snow to join me for a talk and a beer at 9:30 at night. He reads this but doesn't say much...so say hi to Rob guys.

4. A roof over my head I would have said a warm home, but I am glad my house isn't a burnt pile of cinders. Having a fire, even a little fire, is great for realizing what you have.

5. My work. I complain and joke about it here, but I am grateful for my job and my other work. It gives me a bit more meaning and purpose throughout my day, and yes getting paid is good as well.

I could make this list more complete or longer, but this is a post not a novel. Thanks for all these things and thanks for you for reading Return of the Janus.

Janus wants a raise really bad

Ok the waiting was bad enough, and not getting a full night of sleep is slowing me down pretty bad, and the stress is killing me at the moment. All this I can live with.
However, Dancing With The Stars is about where I draw the line. At the risk at offending some of my readers (maybe one or two?) and incurring the wrath of the most powerful person in this country (Oprah), I will state it here.
I despise Dancing With The Stars
I am not that fond of dancing without the stars either, but make it a contest and I want to drink at work.
Yes, I have it on at work. When you take care of the elderly that happens, you watch what they watch. If they want to watch Court TV because they can't get enough of OJ and missing people, thats what you watch. If they want to watch Maury and his lie detector and paternity tests every day that is what you watch. Dancing with the Stars though...ughh.
You may wonder why I don't just tune it out, that is because my client feels the need to talk to me about what he is watching. Did you see that Janus? They are going to get a "10" I know it! That fast paced stuff...that isn't really dancing..dancing is when a man and a woman are in love and....
Yeah you get the idea.
Baseball season is over so I can stop hearing about how no one can throw a curveball anymore, and we have moved on to the "That isn't really dancing rant..." Unlike baseball I don't give a crap about dancing at all so I can't even pretend to care. But alas my job requires me to do my best.
I really need to go to college again and become a doctor or something. Then I can avoid watching television and if I have to watch it with a patient I am at least making more to do it.

Janus returns to Return of the Janus again

I was actually back yesterday but wasn't really freed up to announce it.

I'm home!

First the bad stuff.

They have to fix the hot water on my shower right now (Hey it makes me shower really fast), I have a few boxes to unpack (but not carry), and still waiting for the blinds we ordered so right now I feel like I am slightly in a fishbowl.

I also am sore from carrying all our crap upstairs in one day.

There got all that complaining out, now I can tell you that I am happy to be here and love my newish home. I am settling in and enjoying sleeping on my bed again. (My back missed the bed too.) Sammy and Bella are adjusting well, in fact they are sleeping away while I take my motrin and prepare for the salt mines and talk to you.

I have a facebook for my real name (as opposed to my fake name) I have no idea why anyone would want to see that but just email a request if you are that bored.

I have 281 posts to read from the last month, which shows you guys have all been busy and now I will be buried in that for a while.

Plans to revamp the blog will be coming up, let me get used to being home for a bit.

Nice to see you all again.

Janus on the road again

Sorry to keep you waiting. I have a lot of moving to do in the next two days so the contractor can work and also have meetings so keep checking I hope to send more updates very soon, but didn't want to leave you in suspense. Somedays I can write at work, somedays I can't these days.

Until then check out my links, they got some interesting stuff going on everywhere but with me.

Also for those on my yahoo messenger that have been w0ndering why I have been so antisocial my father in law's computer doesn't have a messenger on it (at least this one) so emails, phone calls, and notes stuck on my door with a dagger will have to do for now.

See ya sooner or later, hopefully sooner.

Moving Mania and Running Video

I hate moving.
I think it is even worse when it is only temporary. That means all these oodles of boxes and crap are going to have to be put right back into our house when it is done.
Second floor is great if you don't want to be flooded but a nightmare when you have to carry stuff down the stairs. I am livin' on Motrin.
You never realize how much crap you have until you have to move it.
It will be better soon, I hope and pray.

Did video for the High School services today, and that went better. The more I do it the easier it seems to be, though I like to keep some pressure so I can be motivated to pay attention. I think I am beginning to figure it out, but still not at the point where I don't frantically make sure that Eric is within shouting distance if I suddenly blow something up. Good thing the teachers are pretty patient, if it was my coworker James he would of swore at everyone and did it himself.

I was fun and some folks came up to me and said "Good job" Which is nice and embarrassing at the same time. I just say Thank you very much and don't say that about anyone with use of their hands could probably do the same or better. Maybe I have something natural that I bring to work that I don't know about, I don't see anything though.

So sorry to not give a more exciting update, but I am sleepy and I have to work a double tomorrow. See ya soon