Mending fences and behind the scenes

Yeah I got a bad word on this post today, but I got to report it in the proper context..hope you can forgive it.

A lot of people were hurt years ago, and divided by fears and rumor. In the last two years many of those rumors are coming to light and seen as just that...rumors.

I got an apology today from someone that hated me years ago because he was lied to about me. He was bitter and angry and he realized through time and others that knew me that I was not the man he thought I was. Today I was told he wanted to talk to me and patch things up.

He is a man that finds it hard to apologize, but he said "I owe you an apology for believing those things about you and the way I treated you back then. I didn't realize that it was all a load of shit."

I told him it was water under the bridge and he didn't need to think anything of it.

He insisted though that I accept his apology. So I accepted it, and I said I know what you mean it happened to me too. I thanked him for looking out for my son and his sisters. I know he was duped like I was. A lot of us were hurt by this.

I would be lying if I said that over the years all that has gone on hasn't hurt me. As time goes on I realize that even though these horrible things happen, it is because I was there I was able to help not just my son now...but three very special young ladies that I love like my very own.
I believed in God, I believed in Jesus, and I believed he could do amazing things. I just always believed he did them for "other people." I doubted that God could mend the fences that I broke in the past. I now can see that it wasn't because he wanted me to hurt, but so I could be more than just my son's father. I can be there for 3 special ladies that need a parent. I realize more and more especially this week that it was worth it to be a part in these lives.

He really can turn what is meant for evil for good.

I can really see past myself for once.

This trip has been difficult and emotional and dreaded. It is also one of the most meaningful things I have ever done. My head is spinning trying to sort it all out.

Getting back to normal someday?

Well I decided that even though I could do something else that I was going to write an update. Preserving my once a month current streak.

For those wondering how I am doing, I am now working a few jobs. Which is a good thing. Workwise I am at my best game for years. I will have to update with more specifics.

I am also no longer suffering from insomnia. The extra work, some of it involving physical lugging of equipment for 3 hours every few nights has helped me rest. I am also taking something by my doctor which curbs my spaz attacks.

I am also worried. Lately I have been very thin-skinned. I am not sure if I am just tired or what. I do feel exhausted all the time but I notice that I am feeling more sarcastic, more tempermental, and in general not myself.

I am going to try upping my sleep and of course trying to keep up with praying and talking with others.

It concerns me that I am not being myself and I am taking on some of my traits from years ago. I didn't sleep much then either, it might explain the moods.

Janus trying to write again, and self education.

So right now I am working on my testimony for Celebrate the Journey, the support and recovery program at The Box.
The biggest problem with the testimony is the same I have with everything. It is either too long or short. I either talk too long about a single detail or I skip 10 years of my life for brevity. Janus Torrell has never written anything for it before, but you should check out the blog if you get a chance.
If I ever actually update and repair my blog that will be one of the links I add.

I am also working on my annual Halloween short story, which used to be a tradition in my yesterdays. I used to be able to write a bit of horror and suspense. I kind of lost that ability the last 5 years (with most of my quality going down the toilet.) So I want to acquire the ability again to write various genres. I still don't give a crap about romance stuff though.

Also I have not forgotten my loyal steadfast friend Frodo and that I owe her a copy of "How to mess up your life royally." Forgive the delay, but you ain't forgotten.


On the Academic front. I am studying "How to write a short story" in hopes of refining some techniques. I am also studying several books on Herbology and I got my old co-worker Jose working with me on experiments. I also got a book on Exodus and the parables of Jesus to slowly chew and study.

So I am trying to make the most of my quarter life crisis.

I am also preparing to leave town again, hopefully with more successful results.

What gets your attention?

Warning: personal feelings alert. I might actually talk about what I am thinking today.

What makes me believe in God to the point where I want to get involved in a community I didn't really know about or understand?

Truthfully, I think it is sacrifices.

I have never had a lot of money (compared to my neighbors I should say.) Until I got my Buick I never owned a car that didn't want me to have a tetanus shot. I didn't have the really glamorous job. I have never been famous and even really known outside of my immediate neighborhood.

In short, I have been pretty much playing it safe my entire life.

Then yesterday I heard my friend Tim (his real name) speak. Every story is different and yet the same in one aspect or other. You have someone who is doing very well in the eyes of the earth.
Great job, success, climbing a corporate ladder...the whole package.

Then you hear how meaningless it became and how they left a lot of it behind.

Now I have been told money will not make you happy since day one. I rarely hear about that though from people that had much of it. Kind of like a guy that is afraid of heights telling you that skydiving isn't that big a deal.

I have had the honor of talking and meeting many of my the leaders of the church that I go to. They have one thing in common. They could be great successful executives and probably could make it in fortune 500 companies if they wished. I am not exaggerating that point either. In fact many of the leaders walked away from the ladder less than 10 years ago.

Sales people, plant managers, software engineers, corporate trainers... people that I wanted to be years ago but never had the "personality" to be. Our modern Hercules and Achilles in today's world. People that can attain money and power that are the modern gods of today's world. God knows that's what I wanted to be and what I hoped to be someday.

Over 2000 years ago two pairs of brothers walked away from a profitable fishing business to live a life of danger and sacrifice. If they would have decided to rather just put a little extra in the offering and continue fishing....well the apostle Peter and apostle John among others would probably have faded into obscurity. The original disciples knew what sacrifice was as well. John is the only one of the original disciples to not be killed for the faith.

I often have to ask myself, would these people walk away from all that unless they knew what they wanted and needed was much more?

I haven't left a lot behind. I am occasionally wondering, and it happens more frequently, if I am willing to lose my life to gain it. Am I trying to live a double life?

Janus and his wild holiday weekend

Friday: Vegged. Wish I didn't looking back

Saturday: Went to evening services, ran the camera, went out to eat and watched "The Bank Job" with Bella.

Sunday: Bella and I went to visit my parents and sister's family. Sammy (the dog) went swimming in the lake while I avoided bees for a while. We went out to eat at the slowest service dining experience that I ever went to (Even worse than the Ruby Tuesday incident of '97, which is a story for another day) Which gave us more time to talk. Left my parents at midnight or so, had to fight our way to the door to escape the family.

watched "21" when we got home. I hope if they ever make a movie about me they will find someone that doesn't look anything like me to do the part. Hollywood can make card counting almost interesting.

Monday: Went swimming with our friends at their apartment centers pool. The water was great. Got to hold a newborn a bit and play with a excited 3 year old. Lucas and I got to play with an adult level erector set, one of those BBQ grills you can buy at the store that has about 50 small parts to put on it. The store clerk said it takes a half hour, it took us 2 hours.


Tuesday: Back to reality.

I can't even isolate myself properly today right.

I have had this screen up for over an hour. I have to go to bed.

I feel I should write something. Writers are supposed to do stuff like that according to my English teacher.

Today I went over to Lucas's place to fix his computer, I ended staying there most of the night. I guess I am just feeling weird. Normally I hate going anywhere and I feel like going home and shutting off the world for a while. Today I just couldn't do it.

Which is stupid, because how often will I get a chance to do this as things get crazier.

I miss crazy old hermit me.

Tomorrow I am dealing with a patient that is in rapid decline, I am not looking forward to that. No matter how hard I try I can't stop things from falling apart, I can only try to slow it down a bit.

Maybe it is time for a career change. Now is not the time to do anything risky. When is it a time to do something risky though?

Well time for bed.

I'm home

Just like the title says. I'm too tired to talk more. I am back in Chicagoland though.


Whew my bed, my house, my pooch.

feels good to be home.

I'm flattered but....no

The other day I was chatting with my friend in the arts office about the usual stuff. How did the movie look? Did I work the camera like a kangaroo on Starbucks? How's the family? Stuff like that.

I always ask about video shoots because I want to go along on one and see how it's done. Usually all the video shoots are in the early morning or on days when I am working on something. At some point in my recent years I have started being fascinated with film and drama. I'm amazed by it, I love to learn about it, and see it happen.

I was asked if I would like to be an extra in one of the movies. I very quickly said no.
Public appearance stuff is about the only line I am not willing to cross.

I will write something for an audience, but I can't stand up and speak in front of them.

I can use a camera to record someone speaking, but I dodge the lens when I can.

I don't even have yearbook pictures when I was old enough to avoid them, I didn't want to remember what I looked like about 20 years down the road. Denial is good.

I really don't mind doing about anything I am physically capable of doing to help out, but I am scared to death of being in front of people. I didn't use to be so shy, but I don't feel that comfortable in my skin anymore. So part of it is wanting to be behind the scenes and another part is I am terrified to be seen.

You add that to Youtube and that makes me duck or turn around when I see any flashing red lights. I love Youtube, I can listen to my bad 80's music and see some stuff that entertains me, but I don't ever want to be on it.

Besides am I the only one that thinks this....I think I sound pretty nice and don't mind hearing me talk as a general rule. I listen to a recording of me though and I go "WHO IS THAT?!" I sound like a mumbling nasal teenager. Knowing that alone makes me not too eager for recorded medium. I mean I can't even watch my vacation videos without cringing.

So this shoot that is coming up, pray that I stay strong. If a bunch of guys try to talk me into it I have to remember that I will live to regret it. Let's keep as much of Janus as we can off other forms of media.

no no no.

dramas and addictions

I am tired.

I am tired of drama.

I miss when I was less...complicated. I am glad that it is pretty much me in blog land here, since I have not been dropping by other blogs yet. So I figure I can shout into the wind here and no one will mind.

I have been ignoring my phone a few hours. I have sunk into addiction patterns. Don't worry I haven't been smoking or tipping the bottle. Its these damn ruffles potato chips and youtube surfing. I was told today to be strong in God and not fall into my depression.

I failed miserably.

I am saying "I" an awful lot.

The funny thing about addiction is that some people have pet addictions and they regard some worse than others. I don't think because I am 170 pounds that eating out of compulsion is any less of a problem than if I was 400 pounds. We tend to focus on the externals. Drinking, drugs, and all that sort fo thing. I feel that me wanting to curl up in a ball and tune out the world is just as bad.

It's not about me though all the time, and I need to work on that. Lately my poor friends and family have had to be witness to my life drama. I am embarrassed to dump this on people. So I am going to dump it here...make some great stir fry...and talk to Bella when she gets home.

Tomorrow will be better.

Ffrazzled and recovery. (Aka where I was for a week)

Well I dealt with someone on Wednesday that I haven't dealt with for 6 years or so, and it was a bit harder than I expected. Praying for peace and words before hand is always a good practice. I really never know what I am doing, good thing for me God does.
Still despite things going "Not so bad" I have had a problem relaxing even worse than usual, I don't how I am going to make it to May. I was going to decompress a bit yesterday but had company until about 9:00.
I love company, but I am that Introvert no matter how hard I try not to be, and I don't really relax with anyone else around that easily. It doesn't mean I don't love and like people, but I am a hermit when I rest.
I talked to James (Something I haven't done for a long time since things have been so crazy) and we did some catching up. James was amazingly patient and understanding...I think he is finally getting old and mellowing out (like I kind of did.)
I had coffee with my friend Allen this morning, and other than the waking up part, It was good. I feel more at peace after having a sounding board, though I feel a bit odd confiding in people still.
Torrell men are not famous for that "Sharing stuff." I am the loudest of course in my family but I always feel like I am a downer or obnoxious so avoid that sharing stuff.
My wife and I went to the Gym today, and yesterday. If I had life insurance I might question if she is trying to kill me since I am not Mr. Activity. I am doing well though and it feels good actually!
Well other than my calve muscles.
It feels like someone was smacking them with a baseball bat.
I had a massage and a chiropractor appointment afterwards which helps.
I am also proud of myself for being able to jog about a 1.8 miles in 18 minutes, which for me is amazing, though probably pretty mediocre for most people. I am the guy that skipped gym class for most of school though so that is about the equivalent of winning a contest for me.
Who knows if I do this long enough I might sleep like a baby.

restless night sighs

It is 2 am and I pace the wooden floors of my house with the click clack sounds of Sammy following behind me.

The sleeping pills may kick in soon. My mind is alive and everywhere at once tonight. My thoughts on the ones I love on the other side of the country, My heart feels for good friends that are facing tough times, my heart thinks of my lovely wife asleep behind me.

I fear the future and uncertainty. Normally I am not long seeing and I am able to go for the ride. To see and anticipate the worst is hell in itself. God is in control. God is in control, I just wish he would fill me in a bit on whats going on.

I spent a lot of time here at 2:30 in the morning once. I never thought I could feel about so much people and feel so helpless. I wish I knew what I could do to make things better. Half my life I was able to do so much good and I didn't, now I wish I could do some good and I am unable to.

I need to do something...anything. Perhaps tomorrow.

Perspective

I am really charged up from some encouraging news about my situation. I am smiling again and I am feeling more confident these last few days.

My problem still looms ahead, but I had a talk with the expert and I was reassured. I have been surrounded by many friends and family as of late that have let me know that not only am I not alone but I am thought of.

I just wish I was able to help those that are closer to the fire. My heart aches for those that are thrown into this situation but do not feel the support and strength I am feeling right now. I wish I knew how to help them, I can only pray for them.

I wish my old anger and unforgiving part of me would stay away. After years of being scared and feeling powerless I am tempted to want to gloat at my opposition. I need to keep my perspective. This isn't a win or lose battle for my own sake. This is for them.

I will not let this turn into my petty sweet revenge. This is not about me damnit, this is about them. This is for God, this is for them.

This is for him.

God please help me be the right way, God please help me do things for the right reasons.

Let me give him what he deserves. Let me be who I need to be.

Thanks for all the folks that have been praying and keeping me in mind all this time. Despite the long silences. Please keep praying and thinking of me. You are making a difference.

Christmas: The after action report

I did not get fossil fuels in my stocking so that is great.

Like Thanksgiving I had 3 get togethers, and it took me about 2 days later to not feel entirely full. That isn't a complaint, it is really good actually.

I will be honest Christmas really isn't my favorite time of year, in fact I dread the whole month of December, but this year was probably the best I have ever had, at least that I remember. I don't think I was nearly as depressed as I normally am and I actually was social.

I have gotten to know people a bit more since last year and don't feel nearly as much of a stranger in a strange land. I used to be a bit frightened to get to know people or letting people know me. I guess I just figured the less I knew people the less likely I would want to start avoiding them all the time. The last two years I have really been taking more "risk' and actually willing to let people know how insane I am. My wife has also been great for me coming out of my shell and people no longer tell her I am too quiet. (Which I always thought was funny, since I think I am loud and obnoxious.)

Still I am glad that January is coming, I enjoy things being more normal. Also I am glad to stop hearing that Christmas music.

Take care

Thanksgiving...the day after report

This time of year (At least in the United States) people generally get together with friends and family and cook up more food than they can possibly eat and have enough left overs that people will never eat turkey again for about a year. That is Thanksgiving.
I won't bore you with the origins of Thanksgiving but I will try to remember the meaning of it.
We generally have so many blessings and good things that we tend to not even think about (Unless one of them is gone.) Thanksgiving is a single day out of 365 other days that we spend with our family and share a meal and hopefully remember all those good things.
So I feel like writing this sappy post and sharing with you somethings I am thankful for.

1. My God (and my relationship with him.) I don't know how I would have survived many of the things the last few years without him. He comforts, provides, cares, and shows his love for me even when I don't see it right away.

2. My wife, Bella. She helps complete me, and she is frequently strong when I feel weak and vice versa. She gives me a reason to come home at a decent hour, listens to me whine all the time, and does more than I can fit on this post really...save it for Valentines day.

3. My Friends and Family A few years ago I didn't think I had so many of you, but now when I look at my email and phone list I realize I just was not paying attention. People have been wonderful to us and have helped keep us strong through the trials. A special mention to Rob who will drive through snow to join me for a talk and a beer at 9:30 at night. He reads this but doesn't say much...so say hi to Rob guys.

4. A roof over my head I would have said a warm home, but I am glad my house isn't a burnt pile of cinders. Having a fire, even a little fire, is great for realizing what you have.

5. My work. I complain and joke about it here, but I am grateful for my job and my other work. It gives me a bit more meaning and purpose throughout my day, and yes getting paid is good as well.

I could make this list more complete or longer, but this is a post not a novel. Thanks for all these things and thanks for you for reading Return of the Janus.

The waiting game.

It seems like when I want things to hurry up, things slam on the breaks and when I need more time that things tend to floor it like a Nascar race.
I am a patient person for the most part, but not that patient.
Things seem a bit hypocritical when I caution others to be patient and I am just as restless as they are. Perhaps even more so. Fortunately cooler heads are running the show for me for the most part so while I can't totally relax...I can know things are under control.
All I can do is wait and I hate that.
All I can do is trust God to make sure things are under control, and while I don't hate the fact that he has it under control I wish he would send me a letter and tell me what's going on.
I wish I felt like everything would be ok as much as I tell everyone else it will be.
Hurry up and wait....hurry up and wait....ack.

At Home but not settled.

It took 9 days of being in the hotel before I could go home. That is a lot of fast food, that is a lot of channel surfing out of boredom. It is good to be home.
Tuesday of last week an urgent letter was sent to me. Friday, the day before I went home it was followed up by some phone calls. Things are amiss from my past again.
I have been on an emotional roller coaster since Tuesday and I have been talking to people that I have not heard from in five years and healing some old wounds.
We have had many laughs and we have had some tears. The past few years have had some pain for me, but I heard some news that broke my heart and fired my temper up to the point that I couldn't even talk.
I can't exactly fill in the details here (If you can't tell.) Though it looks like I might have to depart again soon and prepare for a gruelling battle in which the past must be dealt with once and for all.
I wish I could say that I was more assured with myself, though things are already so amazingly different. Keep them prayers and good thoughts coming, I am going to need it.

Cultured Janus aka Janus goes to a play.

Saturday and part of Sunday involved putting the last of our things in a box. Now I can finally relax a bit...well until we have to move all this crap back in. I have been living on love, take out food, and motrin for the last week. The good news is my hand stopped tingling, the bad news is now it just really hurts.
Jose and his wife came out and we decided to see a play at the CCC Yellowbox my church/coffee shop/special events center of things.
The play was called "Our Town" which was a play about the life about folks in a small town through a generation from childhood, marriage, and death. It is much easier to watch than it is for me to describe.
I realized that I had seen this play before back in the city where I used to live near. I realized though that the play I saw at Sunday seemed to be more enjoyable and more well acted. Perhaps it is my faulty memory or perhaps it is because I know some of the actors, but the play was really something special to me and seemed better this time around.
It had a somewhat sad ending and Jose whispered to me "I want to cry, this is really good."
After it was done we had to console ourselves with some all you can eat Mongolian stir fry. I had my usually 30 pounds of meat and a carrot mix, while everyone else ate more healthy. Then we were full and quite consoled or something like that.
I need to go to plays more often, it was great. For a few hours I was able to forget my back and enjoy myself. It was just plain great.

Intimacy with God

As I said earlier you not only to bond and be close to other people but you need to do the same with God.

This is for the same reason you need intimacy with other people, you were made that way.

Blaise Pascal (a famous French dude) said (paraphrasing here) that we have a God shaped hole in the heart of every person. This is tough for some people people to believe but I have learned through my own experience that it is true.

Everyone tries to find a "god" to fill this hole. Some try the gods (or idols really) of money, fame, power, sex, drugs, material things, and even the god called noble causes. They will find though that no matter what they do or get they never truly satisfied by these things/

Success on your own will never be enough.

Now I am going to use my brother Ed again as an example. Ed is the most successful person I know (materially at least), which is why I use him a lot as an example. He is a hard worker and he earned his success honestly and I am proud of him for that.

Though he is successful though he is always feeling empty and hopes that his next achievement will give him the satisfaction he seeks. He does something even better the next time around..and the next. At the end of the day though he feels no closer than when he started.

So how big is a God shaped hole you ask?

Well God is infinitely larger than we can imagine. So I am going to give you a totally inadequete illustration to try to give you a visual. (Cue imagination music.)

On the top of this post you see a picture of the Grand Canyon. The Grand Canyon is 277 miles long, 4-18 miles across (depending on where you are), and attains a depth of more than a mile. (For my metric readers that is 446 kilometers long, 6.4 to 24 kilometers wide, and 1.6 kilometers deep.) That is a pretty big canyon no matter who you ask.

I have visited this canyon three times in my life. On a business trip, on my honeymoon, and when my mom was 6 months pregnant with me (my view was obscured on that one.) I can tell you from experience that no picture can ever truly show you the Canyon. It is too large to fathom in a photograph.

Now, back to my example of filling a God shaped hole. Let us imagine filling the Grand Canyon with a gallon jug of kitty litter until it is full. Not counting the cost of kitty litter, gasoline, and chiropractor bills it is very much insane to imagine. Now imagine a God that is so huge that the Canyon is no more than a puny puddle on the ground.

Do you think another Mercedes would fill it? That is the futility of trying to fill your own needs.

My wife is wonderful and I have some great friends, but I know God is the only one that can fill that God shaped hole in me. No one else can fill it, and it isn't reasonable to even ask them to try. This is a hole that we all have. So how do you fill it?

You ask him to fill it, but be warned if you mean it he will answer. He is love and he is huge and sometimes that will scare you.

Good news is he loves you anyway so save yourself some time and a lot of kitty litter and ask without fear.

I asked and I can't imagine going back.

Get to know who is who around you

So the other day I said we need intimacy because we are made that way. Later on I will talk how to hopefully grow a bit with that one. I realize that the longer I start writing this the more stuff I think of to say, and since I don't have a podcast or 20 minutes to talk I have been trying to cut pieces here and there.
Today I wanted to introduce you to the types of people. This isn't from any book I know so pardon me while I just kind of make this up. Even if it isn't in any book that I have read there are types of people out there. Before you can look at who is good to be more intimate with and who you should not you need to get to know deeply, examine these types and learn which ones the people around you fit into.

The enemy. I don't think you need me to really explain this one too much. An enemy not only doesn't like you but does what they can to make your life miserable. The difference between the enemy and the others is intention. You hopefully will not have too many of these in your life, but an enemy isn't an accidental case. It is intentional.
So you pray for your enemies, and you love them for being broken human beings. You don't go out of your way to bond or confide in them though for obvious reasons.

The Rival. The rival is a much higher step from enemy really. While the enemy is trying to destroy you just for destroying sake, the rival isn't so personal about things. The rival is only an enemy in a specific area. Like football, a lady (or man), or a different school. More times than not after the event that makes you rivals passes the rival can become a buddy or friend, because you have the same interests (Which is why you are rivals in the first place.)

The Co-dependent/Stalker Co-dependent is not always a stalker and vice versa, but they often come to the same conclusion. Some people out there with low self esteem or who are particularly delusional form this bond with people. This person molds and shapes their life and efforts around you. If you are a leech/opportunist this makes them easy prey for a while and you can really ride the gravy train on this one, if you are a kinder soul you will tend to downplay or ignore this person. Regardless of your approach though, always treat this person with caution.
When the game is over, and eventually it will always get to that point. This person usually feels betrayed or used, and you might not even have done anything to them per say. This person is not based on reality and if they suddenly feel betrayed they can either become suicidal and/or depressed or they can become an enemy. Tread lightly around this one.
Don't encourage this falsehood, but be careful.

The opportunist/leech Most of us have been this to someone at least once in our life. These are ones you avoid like the plague, their kindness and friendliness towards you is for mercenary reasons. Sometimes they don't realize it but usually they do. These are the ones that are wanting to borrow money (and never pay it back) or accept gifts from the stalker/codependant types all knowing that they are taking advantage of the weaknesses of others. In many ways this type is the worst, because with enemies and rivals you normally know where you stand.
Tread lightly around this one as well, because as people wise up to the leech and he or she starts to have people and material benefits withdraw one by one this person can easily shift into an enemy too or become dangerous. You don't enable them but don't turn your back on them either. A desperate leech is the most common type of resident in prisons.
Some careers actually exist based on the leech persona so be careful, the majority of hard sell salesman, strippers, prostitutes and other professions that involve using wiles and trying to get as much as one can with the least amount of effort on their part tend to gravitate to this persona.
Needless to say I don't really recommend you pursue this type of persona. In the long run it is only going to bring you down.

The Acquaintance Simply put these are the majority of the people in the world. They are people you don't really know and you might say hello to. You might even know their name and they might know yours but this does not make you anything more. Eventually if you get to know someone they may remain this way by mutual assent, or they (or you) will gravitate to the other roles. Use good judgment with anyone that you don't know that well.

The buddy This is a person that you get along with that happens to share common interests (or a common direction) with you. We have heard of bar-buddies, drinking buddies, travel buddies, internet buddies, and so on. You may or may not even know the name of your buddy.
a buddy is much like a friend in many ways. You can talk for hours about things (usually your common interests) and you can hang out on occasion. It is a mutual partnership of convenience for someone doing the same activity or going the same direction.
Where the buddy fails to be a friend is in the area of inconvenience. You might be a great guy to hang out with but he isn't going to ask you over for a BBQ for certain. If you have a problem the buddy generally doesn't want to be a part of it and may become uncomfortable or even annoyed with you for trying to involve them. When the going gets tough the buddy usually gets going. Having buddies isn't a bad thing, but know where you stand.

The Friend Finally we have the friend, this is usually a buddy or acquaintance that has earned this distinction through time spent together and forming bonds. The Friend is not always going to be there when you need them either, because they do have their own life. When it comes down to the important stuff and when you really truly are against a wall the friend will do everything they can do to help you deal with it.
A friend remains a friend much like a wedding vow, in sickness and health, richer or poorer...all that sort of thing. A fair-weather friend is actually a buddy. a true friend is all season and even when it is not easy. A friend will also tell you when you are wrong and being stupid.
Sometimes you may prefer a buddy to a friend when you are wanting to do things your own way or live in denial, but a friend is ultimately the only one that can help you past this stage. Ultimately with friends it has to be mutual, give and take. if you are not on the same page, eventually it will fall apart and go to one of the other categories.

Now talking about God a little today, in the bible Jesus says he is your friend. Many people say Jesus is my friend which is true, but how many people can say they are the same for him? Chew on that one for a while. Think deeply about the people in your life and think to yourself. "Self, what is my real relation with these people and what is their real relation with me."
It is scary but ultimately worth it. Next time I will write about some very basic things about how to improve those bonds (that should be improved) and things you can do to grow in your healthy relationships and friendships

An Introduction to the need of intimacy

Before we go too far here, I just want to give you the definition of the key word in this post "Intimacy." My 40 year old Websters dictionary at work says "The state of being intimate" (I really do hate it when they do that in the dictionary.) and "Sexual relations" is definition two.
It may surprise you though to know that it also means "Innermost, familiar, closely related, close, and closeness."
It is this definition that we are talking about the next few days. It is important for you to know what I mean. When I ask if you are intimate with people, I am referring to closeness and bonding. If your Grandma Edna asks if you are intimate with your new girlfriend...well you better check to see which definition she is using.
As humans we are made for intimacy with other people. We are a package set and not like a fork and knife, more like chopsticks. You can eat without a knife but try just using one chopstick. (In my case try using chopsticks at all, I need the cheater ones.)
In Genesis, God says "It is not good for man to be alone." He is saying this before he saw that I wouldn't eat properly, cut my hair, turn off the Playstation, and shave for days without Bella stopping my madness. He is referring to humans in general. We are really made to be close to others as well as God.
While Hollywood and motivational speakers may tell you that it is wrong to "need" other people this is not true. We are designed that way as social creatures.
Yes it is wrong to be extremely dependent as much as it is to be a crazed loner. We all need times to be ourselves and alone but do not forget that you need time with others and relationships.
People who don't understand the need to connect intimately with others tend to look for intimacy in unhealthy ways. The girl (or guy) that sleeps around because they aren't satisfied being alone and want to feel connected, the teenage girl who wants a baby to have someone love her, the husband (or wife) seeking gratification from another person. They all find pseudo-intimacy and eventually realize that it does not sate or fill any desires but in fact normally leaves someone with more problems than when they started.
We'll talk a little about healthy connections later.
Isolation is not a good thing or the answer. They put people in solitary confinement to punish them, you tend to hear about sociopath loners a good deal more often than loving socially adjusted ax-murderers. If you are away from people long enough you start talking to Wilson the Volleyball.
You get the point.
Connecting with other people isn't an option, it is a requirement. Even if being a loner looks neat in Clint Eastwood movies.