Thursday, March 26, 2009

Mending fences and behind the scenes

Yeah I got a bad word on this post today, but I got to report it in the proper context..hope you can forgive it.

A lot of people were hurt years ago, and divided by fears and rumor. In the last two years many of those rumors are coming to light and seen as just that...rumors.

I got an apology today from someone that hated me years ago because he was lied to about me. He was bitter and angry and he realized through time and others that knew me that I was not the man he thought I was. Today I was told he wanted to talk to me and patch things up.

He is a man that finds it hard to apologize, but he said "I owe you an apology for believing those things about you and the way I treated you back then. I didn't realize that it was all a load of shit."

I told him it was water under the bridge and he didn't need to think anything of it.

He insisted though that I accept his apology. So I accepted it, and I said I know what you mean it happened to me too. I thanked him for looking out for my son and his sisters. I know he was duped like I was. A lot of us were hurt by this.

I would be lying if I said that over the years all that has gone on hasn't hurt me. As time goes on I realize that even though these horrible things happen, it is because I was there I was able to help not just my son now...but three very special young ladies that I love like my very own.
I believed in God, I believed in Jesus, and I believed he could do amazing things. I just always believed he did them for "other people." I doubted that God could mend the fences that I broke in the past. I now can see that it wasn't because he wanted me to hurt, but so I could be more than just my son's father. I can be there for 3 special ladies that need a parent. I realize more and more especially this week that it was worth it to be a part in these lives.

He really can turn what is meant for evil for good.

I can really see past myself for once.

This trip has been difficult and emotional and dreaded. It is also one of the most meaningful things I have ever done. My head is spinning trying to sort it all out.

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The "why janus doesn't post" post (I better start posting again)

I feel like I owe you all a bit of an explanation....because well I do.

I have not been off my blog so much because I am just too busy, the truth is I am also a bit lazy. I have neglected my first love which is the quill and ink.

Writing used to be my therapy. When I was in school at times writing helped me through some times, and when I hit a certain wall later in my life I would sometimes sit in the corner of the bar and grill with my glass and belt out pages of material.

Years ago in another place and another time I found out I was going to be a father. Living far from my childhood home and barely keeping the electricity on I turned to my pen. In between interviews and bad paying side jobs I belted out a kids book of 12 chapters in hope of somehow raising the means to support my small little family.

Things went from bad to worse relationship-wise and I ended up coming back home with my tail between my legs and had to leave my son behind since I couldn't fight for myself and didn't have a way to fight for him. I didn't know how but I knew someday I would return.

Writing lost its love for me then. What was once so easy and natural caused me pain and sadness. I could write a little here and there and blogged to keep in practice but it never was the same after that.

I am married now and since then also grew up and found a job that gave me meaning as well as a check.

And today, I know for certain my son is coming home. Living with me after almost 7 years. A piece of me that has been missing for so long is at last back into place.

I can't be certain...but I think I feel my hand drawing for the pen again.

I think I got more than my son back, I think I got my soul again.

Thank you for helping me get here. If I post 1000 times or never did it again, I couldn't have done it without everyone out there that was with me.

the light is back in my life


Saturday, March 14, 2009


Last night was rough.

Actually last week was rough and last night just was the straw that snapped the camels back. (thus my not so original title...don't worry this isn't a lifetime network production.)

Last weekend I got in a car accident, my Buick versus a Ford truck. The truck won. What is the point of bumpers really, if every car has them at a different height? My bumper is fine, because his bumper went over it into my trunk. Turning my trunk into a wagon.

I was released to go back to work, but last night was a killer. I am drugging up to go in for the afternoon, my backups are unavailable this afternoon so it is me to fend off the hordes for about 5 hours. At least I will be able to see my friends and do something useful. It beats laying down all day which I did most of the week.

Last night I got the call that my car will more than likely be totaled. I haven't even paid the damn thing off yet, and now I have to try to find another one. I like my little rent-a-car but I can't keep that sucker going much further. So I guess I am going to have to play taps for the car.

Last night I had time to reflect. I try to avoid that, but I can't help it. I have something I need to do...more to come later.

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