Monday, September 17, 2007

An Introduction to the need of intimacy

Before we go too far here, I just want to give you the definition of the key word in this post "Intimacy." My 40 year old Websters dictionary at work says "The state of being intimate" (I really do hate it when they do that in the dictionary.) and "Sexual relations" is definition two.
It may surprise you though to know that it also means "Innermost, familiar, closely related, close, and closeness."
It is this definition that we are talking about the next few days. It is important for you to know what I mean. When I ask if you are intimate with people, I am referring to closeness and bonding. If your Grandma Edna asks if you are intimate with your new girlfriend...well you better check to see which definition she is using.
As humans we are made for intimacy with other people. We are a package set and not like a fork and knife, more like chopsticks. You can eat without a knife but try just using one chopstick. (In my case try using chopsticks at all, I need the cheater ones.)
In Genesis, God says "It is not good for man to be alone." He is saying this before he saw that I wouldn't eat properly, cut my hair, turn off the Playstation, and shave for days without Bella stopping my madness. He is referring to humans in general. We are really made to be close to others as well as God.
While Hollywood and motivational speakers may tell you that it is wrong to "need" other people this is not true. We are designed that way as social creatures.
Yes it is wrong to be extremely dependent as much as it is to be a crazed loner. We all need times to be ourselves and alone but do not forget that you need time with others and relationships.
People who don't understand the need to connect intimately with others tend to look for intimacy in unhealthy ways. The girl (or guy) that sleeps around because they aren't satisfied being alone and want to feel connected, the teenage girl who wants a baby to have someone love her, the husband (or wife) seeking gratification from another person. They all find pseudo-intimacy and eventually realize that it does not sate or fill any desires but in fact normally leaves someone with more problems than when they started.
We'll talk a little about healthy connections later.
Isolation is not a good thing or the answer. They put people in solitary confinement to punish them, you tend to hear about sociopath loners a good deal more often than loving socially adjusted ax-murderers. If you are away from people long enough you start talking to Wilson the Volleyball.
You get the point.
Connecting with other people isn't an option, it is a requirement. Even if being a loner looks neat in Clint Eastwood movies.

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7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

People rarely understand that true intimacy has little to do with physical relationships and is something that is much deeper in the spirit. An intimate is someone with whom you share your true self in complete trust.

I do understand the need for people to have other people, but some of us don't need quite as many superficial relationships as others do. I mean, I think it's important to have good friends and most especially a good and open relationship with your partner, but too many are so determined that everyone must be part of a social group that often people end up thrown into situations they might not have chosen for themselves.

I think it's great if you find real friends at your church, and that is a wonderful thing. I have experienced churches trying to "set you up" only not with a date, with friends and social groups. I think that unless you are drawn to be friends with someone, these artificial social relationships can be discouraging.

8:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didn't mean that comment to sound as if I disagreed with you, sorry. I am just discouraged by the push on some people to make friends as if making friends was as easy as picking a name out of a hat. I think we all treasure true friendships and they help us out and support us in bad times and give us someone to share good times with as well.

8:54 PM  
Blogger Janus Torrell said...

Andrea, oh I know what you mean I didn't think you were disagreeing with me :) I have been to those type of churches too a few times, well a few too many times really.
You still need to have something in common and an amount of mutuality.

I don't make friends that easily actually, I have a few friends that I have known for years and others that I am just kind of getting to know.

I didn't explain too well probably because I wanted to do a few shorter pieces rather than a small book. You know me. lol.

So I will talk more about what you said probably in the next day or so. I am glad you gave the comments too, cause it makes sure I am keepin it real too. That and I will be sure to reverse the order of part 1 and 2

11:18 PM  
Blogger Neo said...

Janus - Hmmmm, you know you can eat with one chopstick if you break it in half at the center; something to ponder while your beard grows. ;)

Peace,

- Neo

7:29 PM  
Blogger Janus Torrell said...

Well I can't use chopsticks at all but you could...you can also use your hands. what can I say my analogy really can suck sometimes.

perhaps I should have said a hammer and an anvil?

1:03 PM  
Blogger Snaggle Tooth said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

11:09 PM  
Blogger Snaggle Tooth said...

Wow, a very deep subject.
Sorry I deleted, too many typos in that one- I type in the dark-

I think without any intimacy, we are isolated.
I'm fortunate to still have some friends over decades who truelly understand me, n who I feel very connected too despite physical distance.
I find it's easier to be close/intimate after knowing some one a long time, sharing important experiences with them.

11:12 PM  

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