I love my dad
I am sure you can figure out by the title what this will be about, it may be a little longer than normal but you can't just talk about somethings in brief.
A few years ago my dad was not doing well, and I found out he was going to go into surgery for the cancer that was found on his esophagus and his condition was serious. The surgery went by slowly and I am not a praying man like I wish I could be, but I prayed like I never did before for my father to pull through. (I had lost my Grandmother in the operating room just a few years prior and did not have faith in surgeons.)
My dad pulled through and was taken to Intensive Care for recovery. After he was set up my mother, my brother Ed, my sister Caroline, and I couldn't spend enough time watching over my dad. The nurses had to get us more chairs because we didn't want to leave.
When I was a little boy my father was always the tall and fit, I spent many years literally in his shadow. He used to carry me on his back and we both had to duck to avoid doorways and ceiling fans. I remember him lifting me like a sack of sugar from the ground and giving me a growling "I gooooooot you janus!" (Well he called me my real name, but you get the point.) My dad was a tough old man, he never cried and he only got sick once or twice in my life that I remember.
This was not the man I was seeing laying on this bed. The cancer and chemo had whittled him down to his skin and bones. He was weak from the treatment and the pain. It was the first time I had seen my dad shed a tear since his father died over 18 years ago. He was really crying, not just wet eyes, but crying. It broke my heart, I realized my dad for the human he was for the first time.
"I love you dad," I said for the first time since I was a little boy.
"I love you too Janus," he said back with a faint smile and a squeeze of my hand.
I was not a good son for a long time, I was kind of the black sheep...the family embarrassment...the cause for my father's white hair. I started out being a good son, and the pride and joy of my parents when I was little. What happened?
Teenage years, that's what happened. I don't remember when it was that I thought my good and loving parents became morons that hated me. They still loved me and wanted to be a part of my life and I treated them both like crap.
Now that I am hitting thirty and my father is getting older and our time is shorter by the moment I feel the regret. I finally learn to appreciate and love my father after all these years. All this time I wasted. Why did it take a near brush with cancer to make me see it. Such a waste, how could I have been so blind and stupid.
This man that held on to the bike and let it go when I learned to ride a bike.
This man that used to carry me on his shoulders.
This man that let me ride with him everywhere on errands.
What I would do to turn back the clock and live all those moments again. What I would do to erase those years of embarrassment and just love my dad like I do now.
I have turned my life around a great deal. I have found faith, I have gone from a bitter and angry scoundrel, to a redeemed and happy somewhat less of a scoundrel. I call my dad and I talk to him and I don't do it because I need something. I have found my dad when I found myself.
We still love each other, though when I say I love you he kind of gives me a confused look and doesn't quite know what to do when I reach out to hug him. He wonders who I am at times and wonders what the hell I did to his son. I hope and pray all the time that my dad will realize that I have really changed and that I really do love him. I hope he knows.
I could tell you loads of stories, but they will have to wait for a later date. This blog is already becoming a book and it is getting harder to type. Why, God, why do I have to realize how important he is when he is getting older and the time is so short. I robbed myself of years with one of the best friends I could ever know.
My dad beat the cancer two years ago, but he doesn't want to get tested again for his next follow up. He doesn't want to know. I don't want him to give up, I don't want to lose him now. I don't know how to tell him that I want him to keep his appointments. I don't think I could ever be ready to say goodbye.
I love my Dad. I hope he realizes how much he means to me.
A few years ago my dad was not doing well, and I found out he was going to go into surgery for the cancer that was found on his esophagus and his condition was serious. The surgery went by slowly and I am not a praying man like I wish I could be, but I prayed like I never did before for my father to pull through. (I had lost my Grandmother in the operating room just a few years prior and did not have faith in surgeons.)
My dad pulled through and was taken to Intensive Care for recovery. After he was set up my mother, my brother Ed, my sister Caroline, and I couldn't spend enough time watching over my dad. The nurses had to get us more chairs because we didn't want to leave.
When I was a little boy my father was always the tall and fit, I spent many years literally in his shadow. He used to carry me on his back and we both had to duck to avoid doorways and ceiling fans. I remember him lifting me like a sack of sugar from the ground and giving me a growling "I gooooooot you janus!" (Well he called me my real name, but you get the point.) My dad was a tough old man, he never cried and he only got sick once or twice in my life that I remember.
This was not the man I was seeing laying on this bed. The cancer and chemo had whittled him down to his skin and bones. He was weak from the treatment and the pain. It was the first time I had seen my dad shed a tear since his father died over 18 years ago. He was really crying, not just wet eyes, but crying. It broke my heart, I realized my dad for the human he was for the first time.
"I love you dad," I said for the first time since I was a little boy.
"I love you too Janus," he said back with a faint smile and a squeeze of my hand.
I was not a good son for a long time, I was kind of the black sheep...the family embarrassment...the cause for my father's white hair. I started out being a good son, and the pride and joy of my parents when I was little. What happened?
Teenage years, that's what happened. I don't remember when it was that I thought my good and loving parents became morons that hated me. They still loved me and wanted to be a part of my life and I treated them both like crap.
Now that I am hitting thirty and my father is getting older and our time is shorter by the moment I feel the regret. I finally learn to appreciate and love my father after all these years. All this time I wasted. Why did it take a near brush with cancer to make me see it. Such a waste, how could I have been so blind and stupid.
This man that held on to the bike and let it go when I learned to ride a bike.
This man that used to carry me on his shoulders.
This man that let me ride with him everywhere on errands.
What I would do to turn back the clock and live all those moments again. What I would do to erase those years of embarrassment and just love my dad like I do now.
I have turned my life around a great deal. I have found faith, I have gone from a bitter and angry scoundrel, to a redeemed and happy somewhat less of a scoundrel. I call my dad and I talk to him and I don't do it because I need something. I have found my dad when I found myself.
We still love each other, though when I say I love you he kind of gives me a confused look and doesn't quite know what to do when I reach out to hug him. He wonders who I am at times and wonders what the hell I did to his son. I hope and pray all the time that my dad will realize that I have really changed and that I really do love him. I hope he knows.
I could tell you loads of stories, but they will have to wait for a later date. This blog is already becoming a book and it is getting harder to type. Why, God, why do I have to realize how important he is when he is getting older and the time is so short. I robbed myself of years with one of the best friends I could ever know.
My dad beat the cancer two years ago, but he doesn't want to get tested again for his next follow up. He doesn't want to know. I don't want him to give up, I don't want to lose him now. I don't know how to tell him that I want him to keep his appointments. I don't think I could ever be ready to say goodbye.
I love my Dad. I hope he realizes how much he means to me.
posted by Janus Torrell at 12:42 AM
9 Comments:
Your dad sounds like a really great guy Janus, and he DOES know that you love him.
I'm so glad that he beat cancer. I lost my dad recently, and it hurts like hell.
Keep spending time with your dad, and your mum, and they will see that you have changed. I really hope your dad will be okay, Janus. My thoughts are with you.
Frodo
My dad told me something when I was a young teen that sounded incredibly dumb. He said he was about to become a very stupid man over the next few years, but that his wisdom would slowly return as I grew to be an adult. Pop proved to be right.
I am sure this was difficult to write, but I appreciate it so much.
Thank you Frodo, I am sorry about your dad but I am glad you came by
Thank ya Harry, it is one of those things you would like to write but you hesitate because it's a bit personal.
Thank you for visiting Harry
Janus, you have made me cry. It is so hard for a man to own up to these feelings, I have only respect for you because of it.
I understand both you and your dad's point of view on handling his health care. I just pray that both of you get to spend what time you have left together in happiness and peace. I hope that your story helps others reach out to their dads and say "I love you" even though it can be hard. Just know that no matter what happens, I will be by your side like you were for me with my mom.
-- a friend of Janus
Thank ya, some replys are hard to reply to. I'll get it together somehow I hope.
-Janus friend of the Friend of Janus-
There's no point in your life when you are grown-up enough to face the loss of a parent. It doesn't seem possible, the world is made up of your parents, your siblings and you. It's been that way your whole life.
Your dad knows what he can face and what he can't. His experience is his alone and it's the hardest thing in the world to accept that when someone is ill. Your experience is yours alone too, your fears are yours, your world is in danger in a different way but for the same reason.
What you say about your years of rebellion and what Harry said his dad told him both echo what the bible says "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it". Note, when he is old. Doesn't say it will mean anything when he is young.
That you have grown from that part of your life you regret, to a part of your life that you regret isn't long enough, shows your dad trained you up well.
thank ya Ned, I am going to see my dad this weekend for a bit. Looking forward to it
Yeah, what Ned said. Good on yer, Janus.
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