Be good to yourselves.
That's right, for the folks out there that have known me for a while, this blog is brought to you by a Journey song...well not really but that's where I got the title.
Even though I have been getting a little more personal and theological lately than I normally would for this period of Blog entry's in a row I feel that I must share more personal information about me again tonight, because it is on my heart to share. Don't worry soon enough I will rant about something trivial again, please bear with me.
I am going to talk about Forgiveness. Alot of you seem to have written about this today so I figured I better jump on the train and throw in my own quarters. Now before all of you run away and put your fingers in your ears and go la-la-la, I want to let you know that this isn't going to be a Sunday Afternoon sermon type of talk. I am going to share with you about me, not lecture you on what you should or should not do really. This is not directed at anyone in general, though people that have been dealing with this issue may find it a bit personal. For you I beg to still bear with me.
Now anyone that goes to church can probably find a few (hundred) pastors that will tell you that forgiveness is important because God forgave you and you should forgive everybody because of that. That's a valid point and important, but I am not your pastor even when I use my real name probably. I am going to tell you a very selfish reason why you should forgive. So that is why it is important not to tune me out if possible. This may actually apply to you.
I am not speaking of forgiveness from a person that doesn't understand it. I am not some guy on television that talks about forgiving people because it's my job. I am not God that is beyond your understanding even if you are not beyond his. I am a person that has had the need to be forgiven and the need to forgive others and myself.
To go into my secret and not always photogenic past, some people that were very close to me had abused my mother and later my sister. Yes, that kind of abuse, all abuse is bad but some are incrediably hard to let go of. One of these people even may have murdered someone to hide what he did. As you can imagine these are not things that I would want to brag about, but I will tell you them so you can understand a little more.
I found out most of these horrible details all at one time back when I was about 14 years old. Very quickly I turned from a friendly though slightly shy and lonely teenager into an angry vindictive little monster. I didn't stop believing in God, but I didn't understand how he could allow such a horrible thing to happen. How come he didn't smite them. Clearly he didn't smite people enough back then, and I wanted to take revenge into my own hands.
Thank God I didn't.
Many a chance I had to return an eye for an eye back then, but something always kept me from crossing that line. I thought that if the people that had hurt my Mom and my sister were to suffer and die that it would satisfy me, that it would give me peace. Well that man lived for 10 more years and not only did he do that, but he flaunted the fact that he did it and no one could prove it. He got off on a technicality from a corrupt judge, and since he couldn't be retried was able to taunt my mother to her face that he would never face justice.
When he died he suffered alot from a brutal heart attack and overnight I got what I thought I wanted. Yet I did not feel satisified. Even in his death, I did not feel vindicated or avenged.
How much revenge is enough? Always a little more than you can give. How much more payment does it take to pay a debt of the heart? Always more than you can pay.
If this was the end of the story, this would be a crappy ending indeed. It doesn't here though. The pain got worse and worse, not better over time. Time does not heal all wounds on it's own. Finally when I couldn't take it anymore I collapsed and had to ask my faith to sustain me. I had no more strength to carry this on my own.
It was taken from me, finally after 15 years. 15 long horrible years of self inflicted hell.
Self Inflicted? Yes. I really said that. Now it is time for you to hear the point of this entire long rambling speech. Not forgiving and wanting revenge is not therapy, it is not healthy, it is not satifying for you. It is poison it is a scar that you continue to keep open with your own will.
You think, I am not going to let this go and let them get away with what they did to me. I was wronged, why should I have to forgive they should be begging me for it. You chew on it, and you let it chew on you. That is why you have a very selfish reason to forgive as well as a divine one. It will destroy you and harden you the longer you carry it. It's a progressive slow killer.
Nothing hurts me more than watching people in pain because of the past and seeing how it hurts them. I see the old angry me in so many people that I come across both online and offline, and what I used to feel a mutual anger with now I see pain and suffering.
I want to save someone else from 15 years of hell. I want to let someone know, and hopefully someone will get something from this. Don't do it yourself, it doesn't get easier on your own. You have to let go, and trust that in the end justice will be served where it is needed and mercy will be served where it is asked for. Don't resent anyone that changes their way around and needs your forgiveness. Be glad that they came around, it very well could of been me or even you that wronged someone.
When you withhold forgiveness from people either they don't realize you feel wronged by them and are oblivious or they don't care that you can't forgive them. Don't give anyone else power over you by holding onto your hate. I did for too long, and if it hurt the people I didn't forgive all that time I didn't see it. I did feel my own pain because of it though.
I have a friend that was wronged too including by me, and he was able to let it go and to not only forgive me in word but to not hold it against me. He can help you too, and don't just do it for him (though he does deserve your efforts). Do it for you too. You have been through enough, and this is the only way out.
Since I have let it go, I have felt better than I have done in a long time. Half of my life was wasted holding on to my hurt and anger. If you were to meet me today, you probably couldn't tell that I was the same person as the boy from 15 years ago. I am speaking not from a plastic bubble, but from my own missteps. Thanks Mom for praying for me, and showing that you can forgive if you just let go. If she can do it, anyone can.
Thank you for listening to my long ramble, and talk to you again soon.
Even though I have been getting a little more personal and theological lately than I normally would for this period of Blog entry's in a row I feel that I must share more personal information about me again tonight, because it is on my heart to share. Don't worry soon enough I will rant about something trivial again, please bear with me.
I am going to talk about Forgiveness. Alot of you seem to have written about this today so I figured I better jump on the train and throw in my own quarters. Now before all of you run away and put your fingers in your ears and go la-la-la, I want to let you know that this isn't going to be a Sunday Afternoon sermon type of talk. I am going to share with you about me, not lecture you on what you should or should not do really. This is not directed at anyone in general, though people that have been dealing with this issue may find it a bit personal. For you I beg to still bear with me.
Now anyone that goes to church can probably find a few (hundred) pastors that will tell you that forgiveness is important because God forgave you and you should forgive everybody because of that. That's a valid point and important, but I am not your pastor even when I use my real name probably. I am going to tell you a very selfish reason why you should forgive. So that is why it is important not to tune me out if possible. This may actually apply to you.
I am not speaking of forgiveness from a person that doesn't understand it. I am not some guy on television that talks about forgiving people because it's my job. I am not God that is beyond your understanding even if you are not beyond his. I am a person that has had the need to be forgiven and the need to forgive others and myself.
To go into my secret and not always photogenic past, some people that were very close to me had abused my mother and later my sister. Yes, that kind of abuse, all abuse is bad but some are incrediably hard to let go of. One of these people even may have murdered someone to hide what he did. As you can imagine these are not things that I would want to brag about, but I will tell you them so you can understand a little more.
I found out most of these horrible details all at one time back when I was about 14 years old. Very quickly I turned from a friendly though slightly shy and lonely teenager into an angry vindictive little monster. I didn't stop believing in God, but I didn't understand how he could allow such a horrible thing to happen. How come he didn't smite them. Clearly he didn't smite people enough back then, and I wanted to take revenge into my own hands.
Thank God I didn't.
Many a chance I had to return an eye for an eye back then, but something always kept me from crossing that line. I thought that if the people that had hurt my Mom and my sister were to suffer and die that it would satisfy me, that it would give me peace. Well that man lived for 10 more years and not only did he do that, but he flaunted the fact that he did it and no one could prove it. He got off on a technicality from a corrupt judge, and since he couldn't be retried was able to taunt my mother to her face that he would never face justice.
When he died he suffered alot from a brutal heart attack and overnight I got what I thought I wanted. Yet I did not feel satisified. Even in his death, I did not feel vindicated or avenged.
How much revenge is enough? Always a little more than you can give. How much more payment does it take to pay a debt of the heart? Always more than you can pay.
If this was the end of the story, this would be a crappy ending indeed. It doesn't here though. The pain got worse and worse, not better over time. Time does not heal all wounds on it's own. Finally when I couldn't take it anymore I collapsed and had to ask my faith to sustain me. I had no more strength to carry this on my own.
It was taken from me, finally after 15 years. 15 long horrible years of self inflicted hell.
Self Inflicted? Yes. I really said that. Now it is time for you to hear the point of this entire long rambling speech. Not forgiving and wanting revenge is not therapy, it is not healthy, it is not satifying for you. It is poison it is a scar that you continue to keep open with your own will.
You think, I am not going to let this go and let them get away with what they did to me. I was wronged, why should I have to forgive they should be begging me for it. You chew on it, and you let it chew on you. That is why you have a very selfish reason to forgive as well as a divine one. It will destroy you and harden you the longer you carry it. It's a progressive slow killer.
Nothing hurts me more than watching people in pain because of the past and seeing how it hurts them. I see the old angry me in so many people that I come across both online and offline, and what I used to feel a mutual anger with now I see pain and suffering.
I want to save someone else from 15 years of hell. I want to let someone know, and hopefully someone will get something from this. Don't do it yourself, it doesn't get easier on your own. You have to let go, and trust that in the end justice will be served where it is needed and mercy will be served where it is asked for. Don't resent anyone that changes their way around and needs your forgiveness. Be glad that they came around, it very well could of been me or even you that wronged someone.
When you withhold forgiveness from people either they don't realize you feel wronged by them and are oblivious or they don't care that you can't forgive them. Don't give anyone else power over you by holding onto your hate. I did for too long, and if it hurt the people I didn't forgive all that time I didn't see it. I did feel my own pain because of it though.
I have a friend that was wronged too including by me, and he was able to let it go and to not only forgive me in word but to not hold it against me. He can help you too, and don't just do it for him (though he does deserve your efforts). Do it for you too. You have been through enough, and this is the only way out.
Since I have let it go, I have felt better than I have done in a long time. Half of my life was wasted holding on to my hurt and anger. If you were to meet me today, you probably couldn't tell that I was the same person as the boy from 15 years ago. I am speaking not from a plastic bubble, but from my own missteps. Thanks Mom for praying for me, and showing that you can forgive if you just let go. If she can do it, anyone can.
Thank you for listening to my long ramble, and talk to you again soon.
posted by Janus Torrell at 9:17 PM
9 Comments:
It must have taken a lot for you to forgive, Janus. But you took that step, and that says so much. Glad you started to feel better afterwards.
You have so much compassion. Thankyou for posting this.
Frodo
Great job Janus! Now you have that damned Journey song stuck in my head! I don't know if I can ever forgive you.
-The sarcastic wench formerly known as Sheed
thank ya Frodo and Sheed for dropping by.
(hums Journey music til Sheed looks for something sharp)
There is so much written here that I can empathise with. Thank you for all the words of wisdom... May your keyboard continue to ramble.
I echo the words of Fractal Cat.
Listen. As an old musician who has suffered all his life from having too good of an ear, I can say you play many styles well, and every note sounds terrific. Man, I love the Blues.
(Your timing ain’t half-bad, either)
Well thank ya very much Cat and Harry, I am glad you were able to get something out of it and that I can play the blues a little without being too heavy or rambling.
Glad to see you both, and welcome Cat.
An important lesson to share and one that no one will really understand unless they have experienced it.
Someone once told me that the important thing was never to take offence. I went away wondering why anyone would steal a fence...
Keep knocking down those fences between people, Janus. :)
Thank ya, (gets his fence breaking hammer.)
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