Silence that can be felt.
When I first went to school my parents received a note from my teacher that said "We are concerned about your son, he hasn't talked the entire two weeks since he has started." My mom double checked the envelope to make sure it went to the correct parent.
People called me many things that knew me as a kid, but quiet usually isn't one of them. My brother and sister considered the use of duct tape on me for the first 6 years of my life.
People that begin to know me now are surprised usually because I can be very quiet at times. That is because they haven't gotten to know me enough yet. Once I feel close enough to somebody I don't shut up. That is one of those things that I am working on. That communication being 80% listening or something, I don't remember what the professor said I was talking...
So for people that might be curious, what does a silent Janus mean.
1. I am listening (which is normally good, unless people are trying to get me to talk.) I am normally enjoying myself and prefer to let other people do the socials around me. I am working on that one too. If I have a good time but am quiet I normally send a note or card saying that I had a good time so that my host knows it. After I become more familar with people I struggle with not shutting up.
2. I am hurting (Physically usually when this happens.) I don't talk when I am in a lot of pain because if I do say anything it is complaining. So I prefer to zone out on something that takes my mind off of it. When I had my eye surgery years ago and I couldn't keep my eyes open without it hurting I remember Jose visiting me and reading me the comics from the newspaper and doing Ad-libs to keep my mind occupied. (He is such a good boy, really he is.) Garfield is not nearly as funny when it is said in halting English, but he meant well.
3. I am thinking of a response or something to say. My wife is trying to teach me how to nod, so that she knows that I am paying attention. I figure if she is the only person talking to me and I am not playing Jenga or something, that she would be able to tell I am listening. I don't tune out when I am awake usually. If I am being asked about something emotional or difficult for me to formulate an answer I have a blank stare or I look mad because my face scrunches up. This makes most people uncomfortable. That is just my brain working, like the busy light on the computer. My mental hard drive is quite virused, so it takes a while.
4. Emotional turmoil/Anger I try not to talk when I am mad, since I tend to react the same way I do when I am hurting. This is where the genetics in my family makes an interesting blend. My dad's side of the family is very calm and quiet, my moms side is very loud and reactive. I stay quiet until I meltdown and then I drop the nuke. When I am like this I normally do not go out in public, and I try to stay out of people's way in private. A scowling Janus in a dark storage room means stay away. The worst is when I start laughing, which I don't do very often even when I am not mad. When I am mad and I start laughing it is very distinct and people that know me well run for air raid shelters. That is the siren.
People called me many things that knew me as a kid, but quiet usually isn't one of them. My brother and sister considered the use of duct tape on me for the first 6 years of my life.
People that begin to know me now are surprised usually because I can be very quiet at times. That is because they haven't gotten to know me enough yet. Once I feel close enough to somebody I don't shut up. That is one of those things that I am working on. That communication being 80% listening or something, I don't remember what the professor said I was talking...
So for people that might be curious, what does a silent Janus mean.
1. I am listening (which is normally good, unless people are trying to get me to talk.) I am normally enjoying myself and prefer to let other people do the socials around me. I am working on that one too. If I have a good time but am quiet I normally send a note or card saying that I had a good time so that my host knows it. After I become more familar with people I struggle with not shutting up.
2. I am hurting (Physically usually when this happens.) I don't talk when I am in a lot of pain because if I do say anything it is complaining. So I prefer to zone out on something that takes my mind off of it. When I had my eye surgery years ago and I couldn't keep my eyes open without it hurting I remember Jose visiting me and reading me the comics from the newspaper and doing Ad-libs to keep my mind occupied. (He is such a good boy, really he is.) Garfield is not nearly as funny when it is said in halting English, but he meant well.
3. I am thinking of a response or something to say. My wife is trying to teach me how to nod, so that she knows that I am paying attention. I figure if she is the only person talking to me and I am not playing Jenga or something, that she would be able to tell I am listening. I don't tune out when I am awake usually. If I am being asked about something emotional or difficult for me to formulate an answer I have a blank stare or I look mad because my face scrunches up. This makes most people uncomfortable. That is just my brain working, like the busy light on the computer. My mental hard drive is quite virused, so it takes a while.
4. Emotional turmoil/Anger I try not to talk when I am mad, since I tend to react the same way I do when I am hurting. This is where the genetics in my family makes an interesting blend. My dad's side of the family is very calm and quiet, my moms side is very loud and reactive. I stay quiet until I meltdown and then I drop the nuke. When I am like this I normally do not go out in public, and I try to stay out of people's way in private. A scowling Janus in a dark storage room means stay away. The worst is when I start laughing, which I don't do very often even when I am not mad. When I am mad and I start laughing it is very distinct and people that know me well run for air raid shelters. That is the siren.
Labels: family, rants, social tripe, work stuff
posted by Janus Torrell at 3:01 PM
6 Comments:
So is this The Sound of (Janus's) Silence? lol
Frodo
Empathy - that is what it is. You write well about something I know about...
I too remain silent if I am the only other person in the room. I also like to get to know the 'feel' of the the conversation or situation before offering any word of acceptance. Equally - if chatting was an Olympic sport, I reckon the Gold would be mine.
If pain is anywhere it is in the inability to communicate it to others. I hate to rant on about what is wrong at any given time.
I also stay silent until the moment when the blue touchpaper is lit, then - stand well back everybody the cat is about to explode! And I have been known to take Hospital Consultants apart in the Main Reception at work... not perhaps my finest hour but memorable for all that.
Janus - Usually I'll go on a bitching rant, or I'll let it come out a different way creativly. I've written some of my best songs that way. Most people let that stuff stay bottled up until they blow, which will give you a heart attack.
Peace,
- Neo
so when you laugh, it means you are mad, like crazy mad hatter mad?
Oh dear, I am late for a tea party.
Yep Frodo, one of those pointless posts but I figured I would ramble about it. :)
Cat, I hear ya. I can be quite a brute when I am in a bad mood and not good at hiding it. "Not saying anything keeps me from having to apologize later."
Neo- I didn't know you wrote songs also, I wish I could. Yes, it can give you a heart attack or a stroke. I try that decompress thing. Thanks by the way I am stealing your answer everyone in one comment post. Problem is I am long winded.
Anonymous- Yes, I am a bit of both actually. Angry-mad and crazy mad, that usually means its time to pack and go on a vacation or so, I don't think I got to the laughing point for a while though.(6-7 years maybe) Normally I can stay a little cool.
Janus - I posted a few awhile back on JBI. The links have since gone. I'll post another one eventually. I've been writing songs and playing guitar (and other instruments) for over 15 years. :)
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