The only thing worse than saying goodbye is saying it twice

This day has been coming for almost a year now, but I still don't think I could ever be ready for it. Today we say goodbye to Bella's mother again in a memorial in Wisconsin. We are going to disperse her ashes after a year of waiting and hopefully give some sort of closure to the family.
Last year we wanted to do it a few weeks after the services, but not everyone was ready for it. Today is the day and I am a little of a wreck. I thought I was pretty good about this until about Wednesday, than I started feeling a bit sad and under the weather. It might be a stomach bug, but this morning I am sure it is sadness and nerves.
I normally love going up to the lake but today I am dreading it. I hate to say it but I almost wish I could stay home, I wouldn't miss this of course unless I was in a coma, but I wish I could go back to sleep and wake up and have it be a new day with this behind me. I feel like a coward today. I'm embarrassed to be myself today also.
So I am going to do what I can to comfort my wife, sister (sisters in law technically), and my father in law. I don't know how I am going to hold myself together yet though, plus my head and stomach are killing me today. So just pray I get to Sunday.
Sunday will be better.
Hurry up Sunday.