A very scofflaw Fourth of July to you all.
Happy Fourth of July, even though it will probably be the 5th of July when you read this.
Today I will remind you of why not putting my name on the site is a good idea, because I am going to talk about a fine family tradition today. That is going to Wisconsin and buying illegal fireworks.
I live in Illinois, I admit that in several places. I actually like living here despite the fact that my team never wins any baseball championships, despite the insane cost of living compared to the mountain states, and despite the fact that air conditioner isn't working today. (Why does it break on a holiday when you can't call to get it worked on and has to be about 90 degrees in the living room.)
I can forgive all these things about Illinois but I hate the fact that fireworks are illegal here and I have to smuggle them in.
If anyone says "Janus they aren't illegal, I see them in Jewel all the time..." I will reach into that screen and smack ya around. Smoke bombs, those annoying snake things, and the little popper things you throw on the ground are not fireworks.
If the fireworks that are so illegal that you need a fireman to use them are Nascar fireworks, and the ones in Wisconsin are Mustangs street racing cars...the ones you buy in Jewel in the state of Illinois are the moped of fireworks. You might think they are great if you didn't know any other fireworks existed...but honestly you wouldn't be caught dead with them if you got the good stuff.
So about everyone in the state of Illinois is a law breaker this time of year. I can hear people firing bottle rockets outside my window as I write this. I don't have a thing about breaking the law so much as the fact that the law is kinda dumb. If you can afford to buy fireworks, you can send someone up to buy them just across the border. They make sure you are of legal age, and you show them your drivers license that says "Hey I am from a state where this is illegal" and they sell them to you without any trouble. If you think that is a bit hypocritical I can tell you about the time that we had a block party and the two local cops brought some great illegal fireworks to the party. So why is it illegal?
My theory is to keep Wisconsin from going broke.
Now I am not for unsupervised kids playing with fireworks, honestly some kids shouldn't be allowed to handle tree branches because they are so stupid. You also shouldn't handle fireworks when you are drinking. People are stupid enough, but drinking and playing with things that explode is a really dumb idea.
The danger with fireworks is that they tend to get less exciting if you light them one at a time like they recommend. That is why I call bottlerockets the "gateway" firecracker. They aren't very dangerous really unless you stick it your mouth and light it off, but as people light off a few dozen they start trying to make them more exciting. Light off three at once, five at once, before you know it people are sticking dynamite into the exhaust pipe of a car because they need something exciting. It gets crazy!
I wish to close with the Janus Torrell Historical Grand Finale of 1995, which I can now share because the statute of limitations is on my side. One year I bought about 300 dollars worth of fireworks (This is in 1995 mind ya, so you can get quite a bit) and we brought them back down
to one of the tenant farms (No one lives for a few miles in any direction.) I lit a bottle rocket to kick things off, and it shot straight up...and fell straight down into a the big crate of fireworks while it was still lit.
I spent the next 20 minutes on the ground watching the most colorful display of fireworks shooting all over the place above our heads. We managed to survive it without any injuries though. God Bless America.
P.S. My English friend Rob told me about Guy Fawkes night on November 5th, in which England burns a bonfire of a dummy of Guy Fawkes and sets off fireworks. I am only about a 1/10th English due to my mongrel family, but I believe in tradition so I am trying to organize our own bonfire and party out in my hometown where it is easier to do that sort of thing. I also believe in the tradition of fireworks for any damn reason I can.
God Save The Queen!
Today I will remind you of why not putting my name on the site is a good idea, because I am going to talk about a fine family tradition today. That is going to Wisconsin and buying illegal fireworks.
I live in Illinois, I admit that in several places. I actually like living here despite the fact that my team never wins any baseball championships, despite the insane cost of living compared to the mountain states, and despite the fact that air conditioner isn't working today. (Why does it break on a holiday when you can't call to get it worked on and has to be about 90 degrees in the living room.)
I can forgive all these things about Illinois but I hate the fact that fireworks are illegal here and I have to smuggle them in.
If anyone says "Janus they aren't illegal, I see them in Jewel all the time..." I will reach into that screen and smack ya around. Smoke bombs, those annoying snake things, and the little popper things you throw on the ground are not fireworks.
If the fireworks that are so illegal that you need a fireman to use them are Nascar fireworks, and the ones in Wisconsin are Mustangs street racing cars...the ones you buy in Jewel in the state of Illinois are the moped of fireworks. You might think they are great if you didn't know any other fireworks existed...but honestly you wouldn't be caught dead with them if you got the good stuff.
So about everyone in the state of Illinois is a law breaker this time of year. I can hear people firing bottle rockets outside my window as I write this. I don't have a thing about breaking the law so much as the fact that the law is kinda dumb. If you can afford to buy fireworks, you can send someone up to buy them just across the border. They make sure you are of legal age, and you show them your drivers license that says "Hey I am from a state where this is illegal" and they sell them to you without any trouble. If you think that is a bit hypocritical I can tell you about the time that we had a block party and the two local cops brought some great illegal fireworks to the party. So why is it illegal?
My theory is to keep Wisconsin from going broke.
Now I am not for unsupervised kids playing with fireworks, honestly some kids shouldn't be allowed to handle tree branches because they are so stupid. You also shouldn't handle fireworks when you are drinking. People are stupid enough, but drinking and playing with things that explode is a really dumb idea.
The danger with fireworks is that they tend to get less exciting if you light them one at a time like they recommend. That is why I call bottlerockets the "gateway" firecracker. They aren't very dangerous really unless you stick it your mouth and light it off, but as people light off a few dozen they start trying to make them more exciting. Light off three at once, five at once, before you know it people are sticking dynamite into the exhaust pipe of a car because they need something exciting. It gets crazy!
I wish to close with the Janus Torrell Historical Grand Finale of 1995, which I can now share because the statute of limitations is on my side. One year I bought about 300 dollars worth of fireworks (This is in 1995 mind ya, so you can get quite a bit) and we brought them back down
to one of the tenant farms (No one lives for a few miles in any direction.) I lit a bottle rocket to kick things off, and it shot straight up...and fell straight down into a the big crate of fireworks while it was still lit.
I spent the next 20 minutes on the ground watching the most colorful display of fireworks shooting all over the place above our heads. We managed to survive it without any injuries though. God Bless America.
P.S. My English friend Rob told me about Guy Fawkes night on November 5th, in which England burns a bonfire of a dummy of Guy Fawkes and sets off fireworks. I am only about a 1/10th English due to my mongrel family, but I believe in tradition so I am trying to organize our own bonfire and party out in my hometown where it is easier to do that sort of thing. I also believe in the tradition of fireworks for any damn reason I can.
God Save The Queen!
Labels: family, holidays, rants, social tripe
posted by Janus Torrell at 10:09 PM
5 Comments:
Quit trying to go European on me!
--Bella
In Massachusetts fireworks are illegal but they are everywhere because you can nip over the border to New Hampshire and buy them. In NH, they support the right of people to blow themselves up if they want to. The state motto of course is, "Live Free - or Die".
As the children roughhoused on the Fourth, I explained to them the dangers of being totally ignored at the emergency room since it would be full of people who were missing fingers and the medical staff were unlikely to notice a child with a sprained ankle or mild concussion.
I remember how older brothers use firecrackers to frighten and subjugate younger siblings. I think of the woman who blew her own face off trying to light a 3-inch mortar just the other day. I occasionally hear sporadic bursts and blasts as my neighbors use up their supply of illegal fireworks, knowing that the police don't interfere in any way unless you try to sell them.
I don't have an opinion. I used fireworks when I was a kid and I still have all my fingers, but others apparently don't survive. Maybe it's natural selection. Maybe we should make them legal and then tax them or maybe we should just tax the stupid people.
Yeah, make everything legal and tax the hell out of it, then if you die from stupidity at least you pay for it in taxes.
Rollo liked your 4th blog enough to link to it in his latest post.
Sorry dear, I heard about bonfires and I got all fired up about culture.
Ned and Xray, if we taxed stupid people we could eliminate the national debt. I am all for natural selection.
Glad you liked it Rollo
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