Roller Coastering into the unknown but not alone.

(Yeah it's a long one, but I do have a point.)

Yesterday started out pretty good, and I started to do errands.
Important note, if you are having a good day don't do errands.
An unexpected bill came out of left field and beaned me in the wallet, and I am not an overly materialistic person, but this was two weeks worth of my work and money for family down the tubes. It was unexpected, but I knew that it was my responsibility so I couldn't complain, I couldn't cry out, and I couldn't blame anyone else. That is when you really feel bad, when you have to admit it was your own doing. Accountability can really stink.
The day did get better though, I found an email and a fellow computer buddy told me where to meet up at. I always get excited when I meet people that I have emailed with and have read their blog and they have read mine a bit at least. I love putting a face and voice with a person that I have shared some words with. So it was very enjoyable to share tea with someone that I found out had many things in common with me. I felt like I was talking to someone I have known for years. Thanks for the book too by way, reading is one of my passions.
I am a shy person until I am around someone quite a bit or I have to talk to them by letter a few times. My wife can attest to that, I babble and say a few awkward things until I feel safe with someone. If they generally don't run away or file a restraining order at the blabbering madman that is talking to them, they usually find out that I am generally a good person and can be a great friend if they can see past my lack of social skills.
This morning started out well again, I got up early I felt the spirit move and I was halfway through a blog but I realized I had to go to work and I was feeling rushed, so I saved it as a draft and went to work.
I love my work, and Telly is a wonderful man to work for. At 91 he tends to repeat himself at times and when he remembers something he speaks his mind without really thinking how it might come across. He was watching television, and he remembered my crisis from last week...or two weeks ago was it? He started talking and asking questions, and it started pricking my heart.
He didn't mean to do it to hurt me, he has a small degree of dementia from his age and health. So he was trying to understand and help me, but instead he was digging up what I had been able to bury again for a little while. I had gotten to the point where I was not able to do more, and put myself at peace with it. Life has a way of making the skeletons in the closet wake up at the worst time.
I calmed him down and finally got him situated and rested a half hour after I was supposed to have already left. After I left the door, I started feeling weak in the legs and truthfully like I wanted to cry but didn't have the energy to handle it. It frightens me when my humanity comes out, because I spend so much time wearing my mask and lately I have felt very vulnerable and weak.
I have shared with strangers and people that I don't know very well some of the things that I never would of shared with anyone the last few weeks. My voice elevates, my heart races, I lose my appetite, and I feel terrible for sharing with people. That might shock people that see how much I talk on my blog, but I don't guard myself at all lately and I have felt open with people in person that is so...unJanuslike. I feel I am falling apart at pieces, and I hate having people around me see that.
I did my Thursday thing, well a variation of it. The usual work I could do to get my thoughts focused on something else was not ready for me. So I loitered, and I feel so bad for my "boss", who tolerates my anxious neurotic urge to babble. I could only apologize a few times, and I felt worse for doing so. Finally she found something for me to do, and I shut up and focused on something where I could lose myself to work.
A friend offered me help with my crisis that goes dormant at times, at least I think he did. I don't want to hope too much, sometimes I wonder if I hear too much into it. But I am pretty sure, it gave me hope. For some reason it didn't stop my nerves though from being erratic. We will talk more tomorrow, and I pray to be better composed. Somedays I am embarrassed to be who I am.
My nerves are still shot, I have violent shakes, and I feel anxious, and my heart is pounding so hard my chest hurts. Some times I am wondering if this loss of control will ever go away, and I can comfortably wear my mask again. Sometimes I wonder if this anxiety will kill me. Which makes me more anxious. I didn't eat much of my lunch today, and I am not hungry.
Rest assured my wife will make me eat and calm down, she is wonderful for that.
I called Manuel an old friend that at one time needed a father figure in his life, and when I was not much older than him I took his well being as my personal mission. He didn't give me grey hairs, but he definatly made the hair more pale. He and I share a lot lately, since we both have similar skeletons.
When I was a father to him, I comforted him. Now he does the same for me. We share our faith and almost all of our problems with each other lately. I didn't truly know how much I did for him back then, but he reminds me when I need it.
"I feel like my chest is going to explode...what is wrong with me Manny, whats wrong with me."
"You've been through a lot in a short period of time, not too many people can hold it in, remember even David and Elijah had their weakness and fell apart at times."
"I know...but I believe, I trust him...why do I feel like this..."
"Even Jesus wept and trembled in the garden...you will be fine, God will get you through. I know he will."
"How do you know...how are you so sure?"
"Because you taught me that when I was a ungrateful little punk years ago and you taught me that, Poppa Janus."
With that the phone went silent for a few minutes, he hadn't called me that since he was 14 years old.
"Are you there Jay?"
"Yes, Manny boy...I never thought I would see my ungrateful little punk son grow up and put me in my place... Manny boy, I love you and I so damn proud of the way you turned out."
"I love you too Poppa Janus, and I proud of you too. Keep praying and God and us will get through this together ok...God will get us through."
"Goodnight Manny Boy."
"Goodnight Poppa Janus, see you next weekend."

I appreciate any of you who read this far...I wanted to share my worries, but I am also so proud of my Manuel. Don't worry, when I get this together, I am going to show you that spirit filled draft. Thanks for visiting.