A brief look behind the mask of Janus Torrell
I got some big news the other day, that I wish I could trumpet to the whole world, but I can't until more details are in.
Yet I feel like I can't be quiet either...which makes it worse.
At my wedding people had seen me smile and happy, many have not seen me do that for years. People whispered it to my wife and my family, and of course my parents had to let me know that.
I was not aware that I was obvious when I am...well lost in my thoughts.
The news I received has hit me in several ways. Happy that I have some hope for a past that went out of my control but can change now and for the best, sadness of how things were and how hard they are going to be even if things work out, and fear that this is not true or it won't work out the way my heart wants it to and that I will be hurt again.
I have a good life and I thank God for how far things have come. I want to give him all the glory and the credit, but I have to let him share it just a little.
My wife has given me support and helped to bring me where I am today. Before we went back to God, she was there for me. God has helped me find an absolute beautiful woman not just on the outside but in the inside. Before we both turned to him, God turned to us without us knowing it. When I was far from him he brought me to a wonderful woman and a great family, without my knowledge, without my approval, and without me deserving a damn bit of anything good.
My family has been behind me and have been with me and suffered with me in this in silence. I have hurt and shut out many who have bore this cross with me. Family that when I told them the news have thrown themselves into me not just in prayer but assistance to help me bring this to a glorious conclusion.
I know that with God and with my great wife and wonderful family that things will work out.
I still fear though, I fear my heart can't handle this alone. I need him and those around me to help hold me together. I can't do it without them.
I know all but very few of you that read my blog know me very well. I wish I could be truly honest and open with all my life, but even with aliases and the world of the web, I have to hold back. I hope you can continue to learn more about me and the skeletons that I still have to hide in closet.
Think of me, pray for me.
My past is coming back in a big way soon. Hopefully all of it for the best, but some old bones I will have to face. They have kept me awake for over five years now, and God willing soon I will be getting resolution. Peace.
God willing all this will work out and I will be able to share my joy with the world. Not just for one night as I dance with my wife, but I will feel it everyday again even when I am alone and without those that bring the light into my life.
To take out the old bones, and to bring the to life to me again. Fully and Completely.
To sleep again, and dream deep and well.
Five years is a long time to live in fear and hide from the past , from those around me, and from my heart.
I might have to leave this blog for a while unexpectedly for a while in a little bit, but please keep coming back. I promise you I will explain more when I can. If I leave, I will return.
Keep me in your thoughts and prayers if you don't know me very well, I am hoping that someday I will be able to take off my mask and proclaim it to the world soon enough.
If you know who I am, you can email me and ask if it will help you understand and pray. I am willing to share with those I know and can trust.
Regardless of who you are, if you read this... regardless if you believe like I do. I challenge you to pray for me and for the skeleton in my closet that I have in my life that I cannot ignore anymore.
Pray for what has caused me so much internal pain that all but my closest intimates have known about and have had to help me struggle in silence. That it will no longer be hidden but a part of my life that I can love and enjoy what caused me such turmoil before.
Five years of internal hell may be coming to an end...God willing. Don't forget me and please keep in your thoughts in prayers. It has been too long...it has been too long.
Yet I feel like I can't be quiet either...which makes it worse.
At my wedding people had seen me smile and happy, many have not seen me do that for years. People whispered it to my wife and my family, and of course my parents had to let me know that.
I was not aware that I was obvious when I am...well lost in my thoughts.
The news I received has hit me in several ways. Happy that I have some hope for a past that went out of my control but can change now and for the best, sadness of how things were and how hard they are going to be even if things work out, and fear that this is not true or it won't work out the way my heart wants it to and that I will be hurt again.
I have a good life and I thank God for how far things have come. I want to give him all the glory and the credit, but I have to let him share it just a little.
My wife has given me support and helped to bring me where I am today. Before we went back to God, she was there for me. God has helped me find an absolute beautiful woman not just on the outside but in the inside. Before we both turned to him, God turned to us without us knowing it. When I was far from him he brought me to a wonderful woman and a great family, without my knowledge, without my approval, and without me deserving a damn bit of anything good.
My family has been behind me and have been with me and suffered with me in this in silence. I have hurt and shut out many who have bore this cross with me. Family that when I told them the news have thrown themselves into me not just in prayer but assistance to help me bring this to a glorious conclusion.
I know that with God and with my great wife and wonderful family that things will work out.
I still fear though, I fear my heart can't handle this alone. I need him and those around me to help hold me together. I can't do it without them.
I know all but very few of you that read my blog know me very well. I wish I could be truly honest and open with all my life, but even with aliases and the world of the web, I have to hold back. I hope you can continue to learn more about me and the skeletons that I still have to hide in closet.
Think of me, pray for me.
My past is coming back in a big way soon. Hopefully all of it for the best, but some old bones I will have to face. They have kept me awake for over five years now, and God willing soon I will be getting resolution. Peace.
God willing all this will work out and I will be able to share my joy with the world. Not just for one night as I dance with my wife, but I will feel it everyday again even when I am alone and without those that bring the light into my life.
To take out the old bones, and to bring the to life to me again. Fully and Completely.
To sleep again, and dream deep and well.
Five years is a long time to live in fear and hide from the past , from those around me, and from my heart.
I might have to leave this blog for a while unexpectedly for a while in a little bit, but please keep coming back. I promise you I will explain more when I can. If I leave, I will return.
Keep me in your thoughts and prayers if you don't know me very well, I am hoping that someday I will be able to take off my mask and proclaim it to the world soon enough.
If you know who I am, you can email me and ask if it will help you understand and pray. I am willing to share with those I know and can trust.
Regardless of who you are, if you read this... regardless if you believe like I do. I challenge you to pray for me and for the skeleton in my closet that I have in my life that I cannot ignore anymore.
Pray for what has caused me so much internal pain that all but my closest intimates have known about and have had to help me struggle in silence. That it will no longer be hidden but a part of my life that I can love and enjoy what caused me such turmoil before.
Five years of internal hell may be coming to an end...God willing. Don't forget me and please keep in your thoughts in prayers. It has been too long...it has been too long.
Labels: faith, family, rants, social tripe, Updates, work stuff
posted by Janus Torrell at 11:01 PM
4 Comments:
Janus there is much here and I sense that there is a great deal more that's not. I commend you for turning and facing the past, regardless of what it is. God is with you, if you will let him, and so I know that the outcome will be according to His will. Go with it. Give yourself to.I will be praying for you and your family.
Janus - I know you don't want to post whatever it is that's keeping you up worrying.
But I'll share two things with you. I've experienced things that I hid from people in my life for a long time. And one day, I finally said enough. I told those that needed to be told and buried the past right where it belongs; in the past.
You shouldn't let things that happened years ago hold you back from living in the future.
My two cents.
Two cents from Jesus:
--------------------
Matthew 6
Do Not Worry
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ?
"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
-------------
Peace & Prayers,
- Neo
This news must be so wonderful and exciting for you, but also terrifying at the same time. I am thinking about you, and hoping that your pain will end soon. I wish with all my heart that you get the good outcome that you deserve.
Don't worry about your blog - it will still be here when you are ready to come back.
I am thinking of you Janus, and hoping things turn out for the best.
Take care.
Frodo
Thank you all for commenting, and bless you all. Things are much easier for me to be brave with great readers like you.
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