.Futility with a smile.
Today we lost another person at Telly's retirement place this week.
Complications from Pneumonia is the official rumor, since that is what he went to the hospital for and since that is the last report we had. The rumor mill network of the retirement home is usually reliable and always makes management nervous. (It can be a bad thing if you want to keep a hundred and fifty people in close quarters that have nothing better to do than find intrigue.)
Two weeks ago was the last time I saw him, and he looked a bit pale but otherwise he seemed alright. He handed me the comics from his newspaper and handed Telly the sports section. He always asked me how I was and smiled when I sat next to him in the common room, I think I look like one of his grandkids.
Since I started taking care of Telly last fall we have lost at least 8 residents. I dread seeing the clipboard with the sympathy card when I walk in, that means another person has passed away that week. They always put a card up for all the residents to sign. This time it was different though, this time it was someone that I had seen and talked to.
Normally I can shrug off that sadness because I never met the person and that makes them a number. When you read about 3,000 people getting killed in a battle in a war over 200 years does it make you shudder? Probably not. We don't even think of them as real people after a while, just statistics.
I am able to do what I do because I can love and care about anyone that I get to know, that is why I am able to drag myself out of bed with less than 4 hours of sleep at least two days a week and enjoy talking to a man that tells me the same story at least 3 times a week. That is why I am able to smile and not notice the smell and sight of nosebleeds, vomit, and urine. That is why I don't stress out where other people would lose their minds. That is what gives my job (and many times my life) meaning.
That is what makes me love and hate my job at the same time. You wish you didn't care, you wish you didn't have to think that most people will only leave that place in an ambulance, you wish that you had the power to give life to people.
No matter how often I wash my hands, wear my gloves, and make breakfast...I can not stop the inevitable. I hate death so much.
I can make people's remaining life easier and full of love, I can bring smiles to peoples face, and I can give them dignity despite illness or age. I can't save them though in the end no matter how much I wish I can. This is a battle I never will or can win.
That is what keeps me awake at night, makes me cry for people I hardly know.
That is why I fear the clipboard in the front hall.
Complications from Pneumonia is the official rumor, since that is what he went to the hospital for and since that is the last report we had. The rumor mill network of the retirement home is usually reliable and always makes management nervous. (It can be a bad thing if you want to keep a hundred and fifty people in close quarters that have nothing better to do than find intrigue.)
Two weeks ago was the last time I saw him, and he looked a bit pale but otherwise he seemed alright. He handed me the comics from his newspaper and handed Telly the sports section. He always asked me how I was and smiled when I sat next to him in the common room, I think I look like one of his grandkids.
Since I started taking care of Telly last fall we have lost at least 8 residents. I dread seeing the clipboard with the sympathy card when I walk in, that means another person has passed away that week. They always put a card up for all the residents to sign. This time it was different though, this time it was someone that I had seen and talked to.
Normally I can shrug off that sadness because I never met the person and that makes them a number. When you read about 3,000 people getting killed in a battle in a war over 200 years does it make you shudder? Probably not. We don't even think of them as real people after a while, just statistics.
I am able to do what I do because I can love and care about anyone that I get to know, that is why I am able to drag myself out of bed with less than 4 hours of sleep at least two days a week and enjoy talking to a man that tells me the same story at least 3 times a week. That is why I am able to smile and not notice the smell and sight of nosebleeds, vomit, and urine. That is why I don't stress out where other people would lose their minds. That is what gives my job (and many times my life) meaning.
That is what makes me love and hate my job at the same time. You wish you didn't care, you wish you didn't have to think that most people will only leave that place in an ambulance, you wish that you had the power to give life to people.
No matter how often I wash my hands, wear my gloves, and make breakfast...I can not stop the inevitable. I hate death so much.
I can make people's remaining life easier and full of love, I can bring smiles to peoples face, and I can give them dignity despite illness or age. I can't save them though in the end no matter how much I wish I can. This is a battle I never will or can win.
That is what keeps me awake at night, makes me cry for people I hardly know.
That is why I fear the clipboard in the front hall.
Labels: rants, social tripe, work stuff
posted by Janus Torrell at 11:31 PM
8 Comments:
He sounds like a nice man, Janus, and I am so sorry to read about this. I don't know what to say.
You are an amazing guy, Janus Torrell, don't forget that.
I am sending lots of sympathy to you and his family.
Take care of yourself.
Frodo
Not many men can admit this. That is just one of the many reasons why I love you... I love your heart!
--Bella
My heart feels for you, I use to be in the care-giving field but it just got to be too stressful for my heart. Hi! I followed you here from Snaggle Tooth.
Skye
Your vocation is indeed a tough one, even while knowing the comfort, company, and care you give is making folks lives there more live-able.
My Maternal Grandfather had Parkinsens and spent the last decade of his life in a nursing-home. So My mother made us promise it would not happen to her, because it scared her. (Conditions were different back then).
I took care of her at her home the last few months of her life, the only one able to do it. Watching her go was so tough, cause I was so personally attached, but I wouldn't have missed it for anything!
I hope some one is there to help me through my day-to-day when I can no longer drive my life by myself- I hope they get something from my company as well-
You can only detach your-self so far, for you're human and inherently emotional. Losing nice people, friends, even if they're clients, should always hurt a bit.
Condolences and prayers for the deseased and you too-
Frodo, thanks for all. You did good for not knowing what to say, sometimes it is hard for anyone to know what to say.
Bella, love you and your heart too, though I probably am a little more open here because I am writing it rather than saying it. Blog therapy. :)
Skye- Welcome! Skye I understand how you feel perfectly. Everyday I tell my wife that I need to write a best selling novel or something because I won't be able to do this for too much longer. Physical and Mental taxing at times. Hope to see you again soon.
Snaggle, thanks for prayers and kind words. I am sorry to hear about the family troubles. I took care of my future mother in law before her passing last July. I don't know how I would handle it if it was my own parent, it was pretty hard with someone I hadn't known all my life. Still I wouldn't change it for the world.
They say that writing things like that is cathartic. I wonder about that myself, the pain endured drains the soul.
Nevertheless, thank you for the writing of it.
afc
Janus - It sucks man, but the truth is that it is the cycle of life. I know that doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but that is how the world operates. We are all born to die. What we do with that time in between is what makes us whole. Prayer to the person who passed.
Peace & Prayers,
- Neo
Thank you Cat and Neo.
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