A few little tidbits to help you get closer to people.
Well I promised I would talk up some about forming better bonds and connecting and all that the other day so I figured why not. Sure I have no formal education in this field but I figure if I bulge my eyes and talk to you slow and loud that I can pretend to be Dr. Phil or something.
So why not.
First off I want to point out that I hate the words bonds and connecting, it sounds too much like a shrink. So we will just call it "Getting to know non-terrible people better" or something odd like that.
Second of all while I am not writing this from a book, you have probably heard most if not all of these from someone before. Sorry I don't have anything secret and certain to work, if I did I would probably sell it, make money, not go to work anymore and just bang on the drum all day.
Here are the Non-Terrible people get to knower thingees.
To have a friend you must be a friend. Repeat after me. Duh. Everyone has heard this one, I think they have been saying it since as long as people have been around. But it is true, you can't expect someone to embrace your friendship if you aren't putting effort into it. It is work and sometimes very hard work.
Don't just pretend to care about someone, try to actually do it. Easier said than done, but when you really do care I think people can tell. When you are pretending I think they can tell too.
No one can make friends for you but you. People can introduce you to other people, you might get invited to a social activity, your parents might want you to date the nice girl that they met. Ultimately though you have to make the move and you have to feel the chemistry and all that stuff. No one else can do it for you. You can be lead to water but no one can make you drink. Yeah you got it lets move on.
New friendships involve risk. Really anything worthwhile and long term involves some sort of risk and making friends is no exception. It is like asking for a date in someways. What are you doing tomorrow? Would you like to grab a coffee? Yes they can maybe say no or take a raincheck but at least ask if you want to hang out. People don't normally sit around going,"Hey that guy standing around like he wants to ask me something...he might want to go for coffee!" People don't respond to telepathy. Take a chance and talk.
Patience and Time. Great friendships don't happen instantly. You might have a good talk right away and feel like good friends, but lets get real. It takes time for these things to mature. Friendships are made of being a good friend and having someone be a good friend to you and doing that for a while. You have to be consistent and build up that trust and closeness, just have to let things roll. Anything worth a crap isn't normally quick.
Be Honest I don't mean that you have to tell every embarrassing thing you ever did to your friend, in fact I am sure he is better off not knowing about a lot of that stuff. You do have to be honest though since any type of relationship you can have in life tends to go bad for you and the people around you when it is built on a lie. Delusions are not the way to makes friends and it is not good for yourself either. Reality bites but fantasy doesn't even exist. Start out on the right foot, keep it real.
Buy a round once in a while. This refers to paying for activities, not just going to bars. It is ok if someone wants to buy you dinner once in a while but it is important to also contribute and even treat your friend. It keeps things mutual and it keeps you from the temptation of the leech persona. You have to have give or take to make things work, so be sure to pull your weight.
Remember the cardinal rules of compromise. When it comes to a disagreement or difference of opinion (which inevitably will happen) if it is not too important, agree to disagree. If it is important than sit down and work it out. Learn how to tell the difference between important and not important opinions. Be diplomatic.
Be wary of anyone that leads you away from other people. A friend will understand that you have other friends and will not normally get upset about that. Some folks have met the Stalker/Co Dependant type that insists on having your undivided attention. Don't exclude the other friends because you met a new one. If your new friend insists on being the only person in your life it is unhealthy and fishy to say the least. Don't allow anyone to have this much control over your life.
Be Safe I don't need to remind you that we got some crazy people out there and that for a friend like a potential date you just have to be mindful of the risks. Get to know people slowly and keep it to a public place until they have proven to be worthy of trust. Can never be too careful.
Well hope something out of this is of any help to someone. I am off to dreamland.
So why not.
First off I want to point out that I hate the words bonds and connecting, it sounds too much like a shrink. So we will just call it "Getting to know non-terrible people better" or something odd like that.
Second of all while I am not writing this from a book, you have probably heard most if not all of these from someone before. Sorry I don't have anything secret and certain to work, if I did I would probably sell it, make money, not go to work anymore and just bang on the drum all day.
Here are the Non-Terrible people get to knower thingees.
To have a friend you must be a friend. Repeat after me. Duh. Everyone has heard this one, I think they have been saying it since as long as people have been around. But it is true, you can't expect someone to embrace your friendship if you aren't putting effort into it. It is work and sometimes very hard work.
Don't just pretend to care about someone, try to actually do it. Easier said than done, but when you really do care I think people can tell. When you are pretending I think they can tell too.
No one can make friends for you but you. People can introduce you to other people, you might get invited to a social activity, your parents might want you to date the nice girl that they met. Ultimately though you have to make the move and you have to feel the chemistry and all that stuff. No one else can do it for you. You can be lead to water but no one can make you drink. Yeah you got it lets move on.
New friendships involve risk. Really anything worthwhile and long term involves some sort of risk and making friends is no exception. It is like asking for a date in someways. What are you doing tomorrow? Would you like to grab a coffee? Yes they can maybe say no or take a raincheck but at least ask if you want to hang out. People don't normally sit around going,"Hey that guy standing around like he wants to ask me something...he might want to go for coffee!" People don't respond to telepathy. Take a chance and talk.
Patience and Time. Great friendships don't happen instantly. You might have a good talk right away and feel like good friends, but lets get real. It takes time for these things to mature. Friendships are made of being a good friend and having someone be a good friend to you and doing that for a while. You have to be consistent and build up that trust and closeness, just have to let things roll. Anything worth a crap isn't normally quick.
Be Honest I don't mean that you have to tell every embarrassing thing you ever did to your friend, in fact I am sure he is better off not knowing about a lot of that stuff. You do have to be honest though since any type of relationship you can have in life tends to go bad for you and the people around you when it is built on a lie. Delusions are not the way to makes friends and it is not good for yourself either. Reality bites but fantasy doesn't even exist. Start out on the right foot, keep it real.
Buy a round once in a while. This refers to paying for activities, not just going to bars. It is ok if someone wants to buy you dinner once in a while but it is important to also contribute and even treat your friend. It keeps things mutual and it keeps you from the temptation of the leech persona. You have to have give or take to make things work, so be sure to pull your weight.
Remember the cardinal rules of compromise. When it comes to a disagreement or difference of opinion (which inevitably will happen) if it is not too important, agree to disagree. If it is important than sit down and work it out. Learn how to tell the difference between important and not important opinions. Be diplomatic.
Be wary of anyone that leads you away from other people. A friend will understand that you have other friends and will not normally get upset about that. Some folks have met the Stalker/Co Dependant type that insists on having your undivided attention. Don't exclude the other friends because you met a new one. If your new friend insists on being the only person in your life it is unhealthy and fishy to say the least. Don't allow anyone to have this much control over your life.
Be Safe I don't need to remind you that we got some crazy people out there and that for a friend like a potential date you just have to be mindful of the risks. Get to know people slowly and keep it to a public place until they have proven to be worthy of trust. Can never be too careful.
Well hope something out of this is of any help to someone. I am off to dreamland.
Labels: rants, social tripe
posted by Janus Torrell at 1:05 AM
4 Comments:
ok. Be wary of people who lead you away from others. Good one Janus. If you are married to someone like this, run away first, that could be the first sign of domestic violence.
Being a friend is listening and not waiting for someone to finish their story so you can jump in with your really exciting story.
Relationships seem to be out trust. Give a little and then see what the person does with that. I have different friends and I trust them with different pieces of info about me, if that makes sense.
Yeah it takes risk but the saying is true, 'its better to have loved and lost and all that jazz'. To make friends may be costly but it is sooo worth it in the end.
Great blog Janus, I enjoyed the read.
Getting off my soapbox now,
Glenni
Thanks Glenni, glad you liked it.
Your computer posted the same comment twice so I erased the second one. Just so you didn't think I was erasing your stuff. When my computer is slow for a moment it does that.
Very insightful series going here.
Maybe I won't get sucked into the next leech now! Friendship is alot of work sometimes.
Amazing how people often call some one else a friend when it's a one-sided mis-conception...
I thought the Dr Phil dig was amusing, too-
Snag, thanks. Hope it helps. And I always love to bash on Dr. Phil. He is just too fun not too. :)
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