A great weekend, but a delay

My weekend went well, and Manuel and I did the work we needed to as well as got some quality time in.
Driving him around from place to place, had a nice Mongolian BBQ dinner, and three days and two nights to catch up on things professionally and private.
I got a sabbatical from the computer, which is refreshing since I begin to cough static and it will probably keep me from going blind for a while longer by staying away from the screen. That does mean though that I spend about the next three days having to catch up with all my reading, writing, and emptying of my in-box. (I am about ready to have to get In-Box II, if I don't keep rolling.)
Sunday came before I knew it and Manuel and Peter (Peter is the other main manager) sat down for the audit. They took it well, I think I feel worse about it than they do.
Years ago when I first started out with various small projects I worked with Manuel's brother Jose. Jose and I were the main auditor and decision guys for the projects. We had each other because one of us always had to be a pessimist as a rule. If I really wanted to do something, it was Jose's job to tear it down and find problems before it happened. When Jose proposed it, it was my duty to do the same for him. It keeps idealism from blindsiding or planning.
Jose can't audit Manuels project because I pulled him from it because as a brother it would be stressful and disharmonious for their close knit family. I am family by adoption, but I am the (admittedly) colder of the two of us when it comes to Manuel. I promised Jose that I would look out for his brother with the brutality that I would do for an outsider.
I can't stress enough that this is the part of my work that I hate. Especially when someone I care about a lot asks for me to do this.
It is my job to find flaws in the business plan before they spend too much money on it. I have to ask harsh questions, I have to point out any potential danger or trouble in the long run, I have to take their exciting new plan and treat it as strictly business. By the end of the night, Manuel and Peter decided they wanted to go through with it with my directions, but I could see that they now realized how risky it was for the first time. I felt like I took an axe to the dream they had, and made things more frightening but real.
In other words I did my job.
I want them to succeed too, besides being my family and friends, I also get paid my shares when the business goes and turns profits. It might be a long time before I see things take off, since I delayed them a season to proceed more prudently. I want them to succeed as much as they do, if not more. Now we have to wait...sometimes the right thing is so hard to do.
I am no buddy that will tell you that the weather is great when it is going to rain, I am a friend. I value their success more than my returns.
2008 here we come, hopefully.

Janus is gone for the weekend

This weekend I am meeting with Manuel for business and a little R and R. We have been meaning to do an audit since the Superbowl but schedules are never cooperative, and this is the off season. Whew.
I won't leave you hanging entirely besides some good links for you to read, I am going to add another today.
Today I present to my regular reads list Viscosity, Jon Ferguson's Blog.
Among his blog writing, which I enjoy, he is community pastor of CCC, key player in New Thing (something that very much interests me), and also does a great job leading services.

Hope you enjoy, thanks for the permission to add you Jon.

See all of you Monday or so, and have a good weekend.

Janus and the Pig

Yes, it is a rare Photo blog. Woohoo. Normally I would be worried about privacy, but fear not my dog signed a waver.

A few years ago I came back from a dismal failure of a life away from my family. I went out arrogant and came back broken. Returning home was one of the hardest things to do in my life. Admitting I failed and having to see the people that knew what I was like before was difficult for me.
I returned to my parents home, defeated and uncertain where my life would take me. My old bedroom in the past year in a half turned into a storage room. They managed to move my mom's quilting stuff so that I had a room to sleep in. I came back very shaken, frightened, and even ill.
I hadn't seen Sammy for years. Sammy used to be my brother's dog, which he bought to try to curb the biological clock of his wife back then. Hmm...I don't want kids yet...how about a dog? It seemed easier at the time.
The problem is Sammy is more like me than like my brother Ed. She is very hyper active, needs a lot of attention, and doesn't like things too quiet. Soon he found that having a dog wasn't quite the peaceful resolution that he wanted. He is more of a fish type of person. One day he went on a vacation and left the dog with my sister, and didn't come back for months.
So thus Sammy became Caroline and Tony's dog for a while. My sister is more patient than Ed, but Sammy is a walking health code violation. (see picture above...yes that is her natural hair.) My sister either had to find a way to inject Benedril into herself 24/7 or find another permanant home for Sammy. So Sammy then went to my parents.
Sammy had been there for about a month when I returned home with my own tail between my legs. She greeted me with loud squeaks and squeals that made my parents cover their ears. Sammy loves people, you could wear a hockey mask and have a bloody knife in your hand and she would come up and wag her tail.
First night back, and I naturally couldn't sleep well. I went straight to the bedroom/former quilting room. I had got into bed and was trying not to think about how bad things were, when I heard some whining at my door.
I opened the door and Sammy walked in wagging her tail. She jumped on my bed, and gave me her "I'm over here" snort. I went back to bed, and decided I could use the company. When I lay down and my eyes began to feel wet, the dog put her paws on my chest and started licking away at tears. That night she laid next to me on the other pillow and slept close. She helped ease me into sleep.
If you are wondering why I call her "the pig" it is not because of her eating habits, though she sure does eat like one.
Sammy talks. She snorts to announce her presence, when she wants me to lay down, when she wants me to give her food that I am cooking. Many a time when I am cooking porkchops I will hear a snort at my feet from a hopeful Jack Russell Terrier. Her most interesting snort is when she laughs when I say something sarcastic. (She responds to my tone of voice..and she is my personal laugh track..no foolin'.)
After a little while of us being together I made this little dog a promise.
"You and I have lost our home and our identity haven't we"
Sammy cocked her head.
"Well, you and I are going to stick together. Where I go, you go. You can stay with me, and we can wander together. what do you say?"
She wagged her tail and gave me an affirmative snort.
When I met my wife I made sure she got to know my dog. "I hope you like dogs, because this one comes with me. We are a package deal." I made my promise to Sammy and I intended to keep her.
She loves my dog. Sammy likes everyone, but she loves Bella.
A few years later I was sitting around considering where my life was going and I asked Sammy what she thought about asking Bella to be part of our family.
She wagged her tail.
"Think she would be a good mom for you?" I asked.
She lifted her ears and snorted an affirmative.
"Me too."
Now speaking of Bella, I better go and make dinner, she should be home soon. Thanks for coming by.

Life Saver

(No relation to the candy, but I could handle a green one right now.)
Lonely people go to a lot of places when they are feeling the need for company. Some places are great for that, I used to go to a restaurant where I would be able to write short stories and drink tea, and I felt comfortable there. It had enough people around and noise for me to be at ease, but it was was quiet enough that I could write and not feel distracted.
Years ago, when all the places were closed...and all the friends were asleep...and I couldn't go anywhere, I took to Internet Chatrooms. While I can't say that sometimes chatting on a computer can be wholesome and good for you, most of it is highly addictive and pretty useless in general. I did meet some great people on chat, but also met quite a bit of scary people.
A few years back I was one of those unwholesome types in chat. I hate to admit to that but it was true, I would get bored and look for a fight in online chatrooms. The best place to start, join, or watch a fight were in the Christian chatrooms. How is that for ironic? Keep in mind I was a much different person back then, but I would go online because I was bored and to see who I could get in an argument with.
One night a new person came into the room I had regularly went to start trouble, and she was definately not a regular. I saw the other folks that were like me move in to start a fight but I felt different that day. I felt that this was a sincere person, and instead of fighting with her, I started defending her instead and turning on some of the regulars. Needless to say I think we were all surprised.
I ended up talking to someone one-on-one over the computer, partly out of friendship and partly out of guilt. Being a bully really doesn't suit me well, I can fight with other people wanting to fight...but I never could fight dirty on a nice person. This young lady not only was a nice person in trouble, but she spoke about seeking God and was very sincere and kind hearted.
So even though I wasn't feeling very kind that night, I listened and tried to help.
The end of the night came and the sun came up and she went to bed and said "Thanks I feel so much better, you are a life saver."
"Anytime" I said not feeling tired yet, but feeling a little better about myself for helping a stranger.
Fast forward to a year and a half later...
I was in a terrible time in my life and hit bottom. Details are not needed but I was drinking heavily that evening and was spending the night at home by myself. I lost track of how many drinks I had made for myself, but I was hoping to drown myself with Vodka and orange juice that night. It wasn't just an attempt to escape from reality, I was seriously considering that I didn't want to wake up the next morning.
I drifted to the computer and yes...to the internet. Bad habits beget bad habits I suppose. I was being angry and sarcastic and most of the people that were reading what I was typing (I even typed with a slur) thought I was entertaining and had no idea how serious the situation was. In my state of stupidity, I was getting more and more frustrated since no one even seemed to care.
A familar person sent me a quick message "What are you doing?"
I had talked to her a few times in the last year in a half since she talked to me until the sun came up, but I hadn't run into her since I bottomed out the last month.
"I'm self destructing my dear," I answered truthfully and after several attempts to type it.
Well I won't give you a line for line dialog, mainly because I don't remember all of it. At some point I said "No one really gives a damn anyway if I self destruct or not." That is when that younger Irish-German gal gave me a keyboard thrashing that I would not want again anytime soon.
I learned a lot of things that night. That drinking yourself to death is not very easy, that some people do in fact give a damn about me even when I don't feel like it, and that I was a life saver. Literal.
When I first talked to my friend way back that year and a half ago, I didn't just cheer up someone that was seeking truth and sad. I saved her life. She was considering taking her life that night if she couldn't find one person that cared enough to listen to her. She was doubting the existence of a God that cared and said that if he wanted to save her he better show it.
She went into the Christian chatroom looking for good people, and instead walked into a den of wolves. Something...dare I say God...got through to me that night and I knew that this one person needed a friend. I happened to be in that room that night, she happened to wander into that room that night, and by the narrowest of margins I was able to convince her life was worth living.
She called me a life saver all the time, and I thought she was exaggerating. That night I learned just how much I meant to someone. That night she saved my life too, she talked to me on the phone and ran up her phone bill to talk to me and keep me talking. She wouldn't let me hang up until she was sure that I would make it through the night. She stayed up until long after the sun went up and stayed with me.
Kelly (not her real name of course) came into my life at a critical time for me, and I was able to be there for her, when it counts.
A minister friend told me once that he got a wrong number call from a guy looking to buy drugs, and he was able to talk him not only out of wanting to buy drugs, but meet him for lunch. Now that man is a deacon at a church, and happily married with 2 children.
Every person we meet in life, in person and even on a computer has something going on. You never know how what you say or do might impact someone for the better or worse. I didn't know what staying up late and talking to a stranger would do for me, but she told me what it did for her.
None of us can change our past. What we do, and who we affect though in our present can do much for the future. God gives us all opportunity and doors will be opened, how you respond to that is up to you.
The other day I asked you if someone in your life might be lonely. We all have busy lives, we all have work to do...but ultimately it is God and people that are the only thing that will matter at the end of the race. Who knows, you might be a life saver to someone.
Kelly is a life saver too, after we talked the next day I poured my liquor down the sink. I have had a drink or two since then, but I never would drink to escape from my life again. She still asks me how I am doing when she sees me.
I can proudly say clean and sober.
Thanks Kelly.

Ask The Lonely

Yes, I used another Journey song title for today. I should offer a prize when people catch me using a song title, might have people notice the titles more)

This last weekend the discussion was about loneliness for the Big Idea at CCC. While it is something that most if not all of us can relate with, it is not really the easiest sort of thing for most of us to talk about.
I don't know what it is really that makes it so. I think many of us when we are growing up are told or taught that to be self sufficient and a loner is what we are supposed to be. Don't rely on anyone for anything. Self-made man. You know...like John Wayne characters or something.
We have counselors and psychologists that tell us it's important to share and not bottle things in. We have support and recovery programs that rely on you being open and relying on each other and God for strength. Yet...when it comes down to it, we hate to admit we need other people.
Last week and the week before when I had two blog-mental-meltdowns, I talked about how utterly embarrassed I am that I babbled and shared with folks. I could feel embarrassed for my father's sake without him even being there because I was showing myself weak to other people.
So why don't people say "I am lonely?" For the same reason they don't say I am scared, for the same reason they don't say I am depressed. They don't want to admit it usually, and if they do they are worried the people they tell it to might not care or understand.
Lonely is not about having people around entirely either. We have lonely people in cities with millions of people around. We have people that have neighbors that they don't even know.
One of the bad things about the wireless and internet age is it allows us to be able to exist without potentially knowing a single person very well at all. If we didn't have our last names on our mailbox I wouldn't even know the name of my neighbors in the same building as me. We can be surrounded by hundreds or thousands of people everyday and not be able to know a thing about them or have them know a thing about us. Progress has a price doesn't it?
The truth is, we need to be with people and to get close to people. John Wayne works for movies but doesn't really work for our everyday life. We need people to be there to celebrate when we do well, and to mourn with us when we are not doing well. Loners tend to shrink away from others when they need people the most.
I work for Telly who is an older man living in apartment home for retirees. For a while there the people that came downstairs to watch television with him didn't do it for a while, and I saw how his face would look, even without him saying a word. He had the look of disappointment when his friends were too busy.
He could watch television in his own room, so he didn't come downstairs to watch Wheel of Fortune because he liked the show so much. He loved seeing people down there with him, and even if he didn't say much, they gave him a sense of belonging just by being around.
Last week I ran into one of the folks in the hall who used to come downstairs and she said that they were playing cards instead in one of the rooms. I said..oh that's good, Telly just missed you and was wondering how you were doing. A guilty look was on her face, and within the next day they were back down there visiting and watching television again.
"They came back" Telly said with a big smile when we went upstairs.
Amazing how just having people around can make such a difference.
People that are married live longer...I am sure you don't need to wonder why. We need other people and we need God to make us whole. Do you know someone that you might need to talk to and maybe share a coffee with?
When you reach out to other people you don't just cure their loneliness, you can help your own.

Slacking off a bit lately

I just went on to say that I am alright and all that stuff.
Been in and out of the house the last few days so no updates per say.
Monday will have some new developments, and a new link, I will also try to catch up with my reading a bit too.

Thanks for coming in,

J.T.

Roller Coastering into the unknown but not alone.

(Yeah it's a long one, but I do have a point.)

Yesterday started out pretty good, and I started to do errands.
Important note, if you are having a good day don't do errands.
An unexpected bill came out of left field and beaned me in the wallet, and I am not an overly materialistic person, but this was two weeks worth of my work and money for family down the tubes. It was unexpected, but I knew that it was my responsibility so I couldn't complain, I couldn't cry out, and I couldn't blame anyone else. That is when you really feel bad, when you have to admit it was your own doing. Accountability can really stink.
The day did get better though, I found an email and a fellow computer buddy told me where to meet up at. I always get excited when I meet people that I have emailed with and have read their blog and they have read mine a bit at least. I love putting a face and voice with a person that I have shared some words with. So it was very enjoyable to share tea with someone that I found out had many things in common with me. I felt like I was talking to someone I have known for years. Thanks for the book too by way, reading is one of my passions.
I am a shy person until I am around someone quite a bit or I have to talk to them by letter a few times. My wife can attest to that, I babble and say a few awkward things until I feel safe with someone. If they generally don't run away or file a restraining order at the blabbering madman that is talking to them, they usually find out that I am generally a good person and can be a great friend if they can see past my lack of social skills.
This morning started out well again, I got up early I felt the spirit move and I was halfway through a blog but I realized I had to go to work and I was feeling rushed, so I saved it as a draft and went to work.
I love my work, and Telly is a wonderful man to work for. At 91 he tends to repeat himself at times and when he remembers something he speaks his mind without really thinking how it might come across. He was watching television, and he remembered my crisis from last week...or two weeks ago was it? He started talking and asking questions, and it started pricking my heart.
He didn't mean to do it to hurt me, he has a small degree of dementia from his age and health. So he was trying to understand and help me, but instead he was digging up what I had been able to bury again for a little while. I had gotten to the point where I was not able to do more, and put myself at peace with it. Life has a way of making the skeletons in the closet wake up at the worst time.
I calmed him down and finally got him situated and rested a half hour after I was supposed to have already left. After I left the door, I started feeling weak in the legs and truthfully like I wanted to cry but didn't have the energy to handle it. It frightens me when my humanity comes out, because I spend so much time wearing my mask and lately I have felt very vulnerable and weak.
I have shared with strangers and people that I don't know very well some of the things that I never would of shared with anyone the last few weeks. My voice elevates, my heart races, I lose my appetite, and I feel terrible for sharing with people. That might shock people that see how much I talk on my blog, but I don't guard myself at all lately and I have felt open with people in person that is so...unJanuslike. I feel I am falling apart at pieces, and I hate having people around me see that.
I did my Thursday thing, well a variation of it. The usual work I could do to get my thoughts focused on something else was not ready for me. So I loitered, and I feel so bad for my "boss", who tolerates my anxious neurotic urge to babble. I could only apologize a few times, and I felt worse for doing so. Finally she found something for me to do, and I shut up and focused on something where I could lose myself to work.
A friend offered me help with my crisis that goes dormant at times, at least I think he did. I don't want to hope too much, sometimes I wonder if I hear too much into it. But I am pretty sure, it gave me hope. For some reason it didn't stop my nerves though from being erratic. We will talk more tomorrow, and I pray to be better composed. Somedays I am embarrassed to be who I am.
My nerves are still shot, I have violent shakes, and I feel anxious, and my heart is pounding so hard my chest hurts. Some times I am wondering if this loss of control will ever go away, and I can comfortably wear my mask again. Sometimes I wonder if this anxiety will kill me. Which makes me more anxious. I didn't eat much of my lunch today, and I am not hungry.
Rest assured my wife will make me eat and calm down, she is wonderful for that.
I called Manuel an old friend that at one time needed a father figure in his life, and when I was not much older than him I took his well being as my personal mission. He didn't give me grey hairs, but he definatly made the hair more pale. He and I share a lot lately, since we both have similar skeletons.
When I was a father to him, I comforted him. Now he does the same for me. We share our faith and almost all of our problems with each other lately. I didn't truly know how much I did for him back then, but he reminds me when I need it.
"I feel like my chest is going to explode...what is wrong with me Manny, whats wrong with me."
"You've been through a lot in a short period of time, not too many people can hold it in, remember even David and Elijah had their weakness and fell apart at times."
"I know...but I believe, I trust him...why do I feel like this..."
"Even Jesus wept and trembled in the garden...you will be fine, God will get you through. I know he will."
"How do you know...how are you so sure?"
"Because you taught me that when I was a ungrateful little punk years ago and you taught me that, Poppa Janus."
With that the phone went silent for a few minutes, he hadn't called me that since he was 14 years old.
"Are you there Jay?"
"Yes, Manny boy...I never thought I would see my ungrateful little punk son grow up and put me in my place... Manny boy, I love you and I so damn proud of the way you turned out."
"I love you too Poppa Janus, and I proud of you too. Keep praying and God and us will get through this together ok...God will get us through."
"Goodnight Manny Boy."
"Goodnight Poppa Janus, see you next weekend."

I appreciate any of you who read this far...I wanted to share my worries, but I am also so proud of my Manuel. Don't worry, when I get this together, I am going to show you that spirit filled draft. Thanks for visiting.

I hate snow.

How's that for shorty rant?

Janus gets graded

Today I talked to the doctor about my test results, and I am doing good for the most part.
I found out that I was low on good cholesterol. I didn’t even know “good” cholesterol existed. I just thought they said “Lowers bad cholesterol” on products to re-enforce that cholesterol is just so bad that it needs an extra adjective. You know like the “Evil” Death Star or the “Vile” Devil.
You figure they really want you to know that the Death Star is evil, not that they are making sure you don’t confuse it with the Galactic Empire’s “Good” Death Star which feeds starving children and instead of having a laser it showers people with Kool-aid.
“Look out it’s the....oh never mind that’s the good one...my bad...everyone back to work.”
My blood sugar is borderlineish, so I am not diabetic, but I am pushing my luck with my current health. This is not good news to me and frightens me considerably more than my good cholesterol is feeling lonely.
My Dad is a diabetic and besides getting his belly and his facial features, I tend to inherit all of his health problems. Acid Reflux...check. Hyper Metabolism...check.. So I am avoiding the Diabetes and the cancer as best as I can.
Besides I am afraid of having to poke my finger...as much as that sounds like a sissy. I can handle three big needles in the arm, but I can’t stand little finger pricks. (I can look away when other people give me a shot, that makes me able to do it.) I didn’t learn how to draw blood in school because I have a problem inflicting pain on someone, and that includes myself.
Everything else came back great besides that.
The doctor didn’t just tell me what is wrong, but gave me some guidelines to improve by my physical next year. That was nice of her. Of course that is probably what all doctors do, it’s been a while since I had a check up so I probably forgot about the test result call. That or Mom took it and just told me what to do back then.
I need to eat more red grapes (I can do that), white fish (as opposed to Salmon and I probably shouldn’t eat any fish that looks green), more fiber (doesn’t everyone need that), and oatmeal.
I like all those foods so I won’t complain, though they aren’t my first choice usually. I never wake up and go...mmm I could go for a big bowl of oatmeal today, put the eggs and sausage away!
As for the fish, I can eat more of it really. I feel bad for my wife though, because she doesn’t hate it, but she doesn’t really beg for it either. Kind of like me. Though I should say that I am a quarter Norwegian and fish is great for you if cooked properly. The men in my family that didn’t die from boating accidents in Norway usually live to the 90's-105ish range. They consist mostly on whitefish, since hamburger over there is about the same price as Angus steak at a restaurant here. I like fish too, I just hope my wife can live with me having it more often. (Since I am going to be the one that has to cook it :).)
Besides that it was “Do more exercise.” Which is what doctors always say. I never heard one say “You need to watch more Law and Order reruns and drink Coke.” Show me that doctor and I will show you someone with a medical degree from “Mail-a-med” online medical school.
Still I wish the nurse would call up and say “Mr. Torrell the doctor is concerned that you do not eat enough candy and Kentucky Fried Chicken. It is suggested that you eat a pack of Oreos a day at the very least and have KFC more often. Next year we will run these tests again and we want at least a 12% increase of ‘Finger licking goodness cells’ in your blood sugar, or we will be forced to give you a prescription for it.”
Hey let me dream would ya, now I am off to do some push-ups.

Janus choking on dust

Well for those following along, I am about a 2/3's of a way through my blog catching up and my emails. Most of the emails and phone calls I got in today. I am trying to get back on track though, sorry for those lacking comments from me yet and wondering if I stopped reading.
I read very slow and completely, ask my wife. She can attest to my mountain of books on my "To read list."
I wish I could tell you anything more exciting, but tonight I am cleaning... and I just dropped by to tell you I ain't dead. Tomorrow I will make an effort to write more, but I was really behind on everything and don't have any time tonight other than two quick paragraphs.

It was worth the trip for the tea

Well today I started out the day on the wrong foot, but that was because of my own density.
I was worried I was going to be late for a 1:00 meeting because I left the house 10 minutes later than I intended to. I was early though for a change.
Actually I was about a week early, I planned to talk to someone about trying on something new and rewarding but when I made the appointment I got my date wrong. (It was last week when I was completely scattered and I realized I was probably there the wrong day about five minutes after I got in the door.)
Other than the drive I didn't mind in the least though, and I got to see some friends and enjoy a hot tea and an exciting game of Zuma on Bella's cellphone while I was in the Cafe.
I wasn't sure if maybe the person I was meeting might of meant this week though might of really meant today for certain, so I decided to do some spirit filled loitering anyway while I waited a cautionary half hour or so.
The nice lady who sold me my tea said that she could text message my contact for me, to give me confirmation. Which was very kind of her, since I didn't have the cell phone number on me and I was a bit stupid and didn't go online and look it up.
She called, confirmed it was the next week, and passed on my apologies to my host for me.
The only other thing that happened particulary amusing today to me, was one of the pastors saw me wearing my jacket and tie today and asked me how I was doing. When he left he said "They make you wear that don't they?"
I said "Yes" and smiled because I was a bit embarrassed to admit that I like wearing a jacket and tie and relish any chance to do it.
I wear a button shirt and kakiki pants at least four days a week because of my job, and I can't stomach to wear Kakikis now when I am off duty for the whole day anymore. (I used to like wearing them, now I feel like I look like I am a gloveless housekeeper.) I like to wear my jeans now when before I used to like to wear dressier clothes. I still love any chance that I can wear a necktie and dress shoes (basically when I am not having to worry about getting dirty.)
So, I feel a bit guilty lying about having to wear the tie, but I didn't want to correct him when he was being polite and smiling at me.
Now for the wrap up...Janus tips for the day.

1. If you don't have one, carry a calendar and a P.D.A. and write everything down before you go to appointments that don't exist. This is really embarrassing, I was literally all dressed up with no place to go. If I didn't do other stuff today I would have felt even more stupid.

2. I recommend the fruit flavored Decaf tea at the Yellowbox Cafe It's great, it has no citrus (allergic to it), its decaf so I can be mellow, and its not a bad price.

3. Tip the Cafe server. Don't be cheap, they really are quite helpful and you should reward good service.

4. Zuma is a great game for the cell phone. I'm not kidding, it's addictive.

See you later, don't forget to check out the links. I am off for the night, and I got to go back to work. thanks for visiting, still catching up on emails and blogs too.

A long series of short updates.

Rather than make a bunch of drawn out blog updates, I figured I would just sum up the last few days in a short order for my readers.

1. The immediate Crisis is in remission. My latest crisis where I asked for prayer is no longer an immediate danger. In other words, the prayers worked. I have a new set of things I need to do and am working on right now. However the life or death aspect of it has lessened, so that I am not wondering if I have to leave in a moments notice and am no longer in a constant state of panic. Ipray and people wishing to be updated will be given a full explanation (at request of course.) Thank you to all that prayed for me and sent me the well wishes, they not only worked but were greatly appreciated, and I wanted to let you know both of those things.

2. Reply to the comment and emails, and updates to my blog and reading of other blogs are soon to resume. So if you are anxiously awaiting an update for your comment or email, or just miss the bright ray of sunshine of me reading your Blog, fear not. I am coming back, it will have to start tomorrow though. Today I am at work until late.

3. Side work to resume, and new contracts to start. This is more for my partners and coworkers. Things will be back to normal, and we can work on planning and meetings again and my submissions, which will resume Monday at noonish. Jose is no longer going to be acting manager on my behalf. So Jose...stop acting this weekend.

4. Reorganization is currently being done and I am cleaning house. Don't worry no one is getting fired, that means I am updating the file cabinet and really cleaning my house. What it does mean is that I will hopefully be more organized and efficient. I cleaned my inbox out yesterday, and file cabinet is about half way done as of last night. Dusting and cleaning floors is next.

and finally 5. I am in good health. Monday someone did what some people would get in line and pay money to do, I got three punctures in the arm. Seriously, I got a Tetnus shot, blood drawn, and a TB test. I don't have the official blood results yet, but thanks to a wonderful source, (cough...thanks Mrs. Torrell) , everything looks good. Now I am waiting for the doctor to call and say the same thing.
I also got some sleeping pills to try and I feel great using them 3 times now. My doctor is also helping me with Stress management too. So all is great.

Hope to see you tomorrow or so. Thanks for coming by.

J. T.

Janus the giant that lives forever

Well for those wondering what is going on since my last post, it is really a lot of the same for me.
I appreciate you coming by to check on me, this little blog can do wonders for helping me sort out my brain a little.
Talked with my friend Manuel while driving home from work tonight. He and I are both having our worlds a bit out of control lately. He is used to knowing me as the one to talk to when he is in trouble, and I used to be the one he could lean on when he was frightened. Now we lean on each other lately. At one time I felt I would be too proud to lean on him, but pride is useless anyway.
Earlier today I got to speak with a person that was removed from my situation but had knowledge in what I could do. I learned everything I needed to know in a short period of time, but I was blessed with a patient person that was able to work through every question I had to put me to ease and gave me the time to work through it.
Today I was called Anxious.
I never really thought of myself as that, but I guess when I look at myself truthfully (Gulp) it is true. No one has ever accused me of being Mr. Brightside when I am like that either. If I think a remote chance that I might get struck by a meteor is in the equation of my problem I am working on a way to plan for that contingency. Some would say I am anxious, I would say I am prudent...the truth is I need faith and to trust God and not lean on my own understanding.
My understanding can be pretty lousy usually, so I shouldn't be leaning on it anyway.
For the comments and emails and those that have talked to me in the last 96 hours, I thank you. Your prayers, comments, emails, wellwishes, meditations, and other forms of encouragement has done much for me being able to hold together. And of course my long suffering wife and family have been wonderful for me. God has been great to me, when I actually shut up and listen.
Almost everyone has told me the same thing that I would tell them if I was in their situation.
"Don't worry."
"It's all in his timing."
"Don't lean on own your understanding"
"Keep the faith."
Anyone that is looking for a role model of faith should not look for me for guidance. Jesus and the good book talks about "Worry does not add an inch to your height or a year to your life." Forgive the paraphrase. The more accurate passage can be read in Neo's comment on my last post. (Hi Neo, great passage and comment.)
I have been trying to add inches to my height and years to my life by worrying. It doesn't work though otherwise I would be in NBA right now and my retirement age would be expanded by a century or five.
So in this case I would ask a reader that seeks peace and doesn't worry to not follow my example, but to give it to the one that can handle it. He's a big God, and the NBA doesn't have a chance against him.
He is at work helping me even when I am not paying attention and has a way of making a point.
I am opening the paper to load into the copier machine and my mind is in turmoil. I have closed the door to the rest of the office and don't feel like I can face them. The copier machine makes a whirl.
"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5.
I can't help but smile, that couldn't have come at a more appropriate time. The door opened and someone came in and picked up the paper that came through the printer.
"Sorry I meant to send that to the other printer."
All I could say was Thank you.
Which was answered by a puzzled look.

Keep praying folks and remember me if you would, it is helping me much.

Bye for now.